‘He was a child living in an adult’s world’
The realisation a son or daughter is struggling with drug use, stealing to feed the habit, getting involved in violence, alienating their siblings, running up debts to dealers, and ripping a family apart is a shock like few others.
But it’s a shock more and more parents are having to deal with in today’s Ireland, an Ireland of saturated supply of most illegal drugs, dealers at the street corner and rock-bottom prices.
And the problem knows no class boundaries.
One couple estimated up to one-in-four of their sons’ associates were experimenting with some form of drug-taking.
The issue hit them, “out of nowhere”, when their second son became addicted to illicit substances.
“He was 14 when he started using,” says Sean. “At that age they don’t know, they’ll use anything available, whether it’s stuff off the shelf in pharmacies or anything — cannabis, ecstasy. They would just take anything.”
Sean * and his wife Mary * saw their son’s behaviour “go off the scale”, both at home and outside the home. “Everything is falling down around him. You’re saying, it looks like drugs, but it often needs someone else to come in and say it. For us, it was through a JLO [Garda juvenile liaison officer]. He wasn’t in trouble, but there was a lot of violence in the home. But he’s going to get in trouble eventually if he does carry on using, and with the friendships they form when they’re using, they will invariably end up in trouble.”
Mary admits that, when the problem reared its ugly head, she and Sean “didn’t know what to do or where to go. We didn’t know how to help him. Even when I brought it to my own GP’s attention, he didn’t know what to do either”.
She says the general public, unaffected by drug use, has no idea how it affects previously solid, normal families “in such an horrific way”, often without warning.
Their son’s drug use eventually led to problems with dealers. “He was being beaten up every second week,” remembers Sean, “for very small amounts of money”.
Mary says: “He was a child living in an adult’s world. He didn’t know how to manage his own fear and we had no control over what he was doing. Every time he went out the door we were in bits, but we couldn’t keep him in. People don’t understand that, but you just can’t. We knew very well when he was going out the level of fear that they live with, because they have absolutely no respect for any family life or any morals, because they’re quite prepared to do anything.”
Sean says the family was “torn apart” by his son’s drug abuse, for himself and Mary and for their three other children. “You’re living in fear of the next day. It’s a nightmare. You get to the point where you don’t look forward to anything.”
Their own health suffered, with Mary having a breakdown, and they were unable to help each other when things were at their worst.
“We were destroyed,” says Mary. “What we found most difficult was the rage within the house. From being a very warm, gentle boy, he became a monster in a short while.”
Just when they thought they could go no further, they were pointed in the direction of the Matt Talbot Adolescent Services in Cork. They became one of 82 family groups to avail of their facilities last year, under the direction of family counsellor Olive O’Riordan — now running the Cara Lodge treatment centre in west Cork.
They availed of the fathers’ group and mothers’ group, as well as other counselling services, while their son was able to receive the treatment and support he needed.
Now, their 16-year-old is “doing very well,” says Mary, back at school and looking much better.
“We’re very much aware we face a challenge every time he goes out the door. We try to be positive with him, but at the same time we keep a grip on things and lay down very tight guidelines. I think the ongoing support is hugely important.”
*Names changed to protect identity
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