Only ‘perfect human beings’ need apply

A GOOD recruitment ad is like the perfect gun — designed to pull.

Seamus Burns, harassed executive, is on the pull and knows his target audience — the PA deluxe.

The outcome of his copywriting adventures appeared on yesterday’s business supplement of The Irish Times where his PA deluxe appeal outlined his requirements. Not only should the successful candidate be a super personal assistant, with superb organisational skills, relentless drive and energy, extraordinary resourcefulness, loyalty and discretion — but non-optional extras should include intelligence, serenity, media savvy, great learning and compassion — in his words, the perfect human being.

In return for such heavenly qualities, this perfect angel can expect €50,000 in remuneration and the attentions of a chronically disorganised, distraught executive (his words).

In the world of stiffly worded or bulls**t bingo advertising, Mr Burns’s appeal appears singularly humane and more like a social experiment than an ad for the peerless PA — particularly since he fails to mention what it is he does for a living.

His inbox — a hotmail account as it happens — is likely to be bombarded by an eclectic mix of the curious, the unemployed, the hopeful, the highly unqualified and the depraved, seeking to know what occupation has driven him to take such cloaked measures in hiring a PA.

True, he does follow certain advertising guidelines — appealing to human emotions and emphasising the benefits (50,000 notes) — but his expectations must surely sit in the realm of “great”.

My own theory is that he is a farmer, and the farmer wants a wife.