PDs play happy family at shotgun wedding

IT was more like a wedding than a coronation as Michael McDowell swept down the make-shift aisle of the Westin Hotel’s sumptuous Banking Hall to finally marry his destiny and ambition, and thus save the Progressive Democrats from the shame of being jilted by voters at the next election.

Sure, it was a shotgun ceremony — as the Justice Minister had effectively pointed both barrels at his rivals for PD affection, Liz O’Donnell and Tom Parlon, warning them, “give your consent or the party gets it” — but the groom looked radiant none the less.

As befits a grand society wedding the father of the bride, Des O’Malley, was on hand to give his beloved offspring away.

However, the PD founder had to do it in silence as this was Mr McDowell’s big day and he was the only one allowed to make a speech.

Ms O’Donnell and Mr Parlon were seated to the right of the Justice Minister (you can imagine how little space that left them) and like all well mannered wedding guests at the top table they politely pretended to listen as Mr McDowell droned on.

Ms O’Donnell played with her golden hair, while Mr Parlon strummed his upper lip with his forefinger looking for all the world like two snooty, disgruntled in-laws who clearly believed the party could have done better than this and the unseemly union would never last.

After studiously ignoring each other for the duration of Mr McDowell’s ovation, both would-be leaders were united in a rare moment of glee as they struggled to control a smirk which threatened to snake across both their faces as the Justice Minister was asked exactly why he was such a hate figure for so many.

More queries about his temperament followed, culminating in a demand to know if he would be swapping his jack boots for muesli slippers (whatever they might be).

Cleary an expert on Mr McDowell’s temper, Ms O’Donnell quickly tried to head off any “red mist” moment with a stern “Next question!” delivered with a smile so cold it could have frozen the Sahara. However, this was the new honeymoon Mr McDowell and he attempted to joke his way off the subject.

More unintentional humour was raised when — with a twinkle in his eye — the 55-year-old promised the marriage would not be without issue.

Indeed, he pledged to replicate Mary Harney’s achievement of doubling the size of the PD family in the Dáil last time out, which would bring the party’s strength to 16 after the next election.

This brought forth the sobering mental image of PD numbers repeatedly reproducing at every subsequent poll until by around the election of 2027 all 164 TDs would be production line replicas of Mr McDowell.

Even some of the PDs present shuddered at the thought, perhaps remembering the old adage — marry in haste, repent at leisure.