Not quite an eye for an eye but at least a tooth for a tooth

UN WEAPONS inspector Hans Blix would have a tricky task in locating Robin Cook’s front tooth.

The former British Government minister, who resigned over the lack of justification for war in Iraq, lost the tooth en route to the Labour Party conference in Dublin.

Unfortunately, he swallowed it, so the tooth is unlikely to be discovered for a while unless Mr Blix is sent in on an inspection, upon Tony Blair's directions, of course.

Fortunately, the top-quality health service in this country was able to provide the back-bencher with a temporary replacement, without the use of any chemical or biological weapons.

His denture dilemma might explain why Robin Red-Chest was so pleased to allow Michael Twee, Labour's own weapon of mass destruction, eulogise about his greatness for so long: "Thank you for that magnificent introduction. I enjoyed it so much, I would happily give up my 15 minutes to hear more," said Mr Cook.

The lack of a solid set of canines did not affect the plummy accent of the self-professed Scotsman in the delivery of his crowd-pleasing oration.

Speaking of posh accents, according to Liz McManus, the highlight of the night was going to be Pat Rabbitte's keynote address or 'Pat's chat' as it could be called, in light of his comfort on the speaker's rostrum.

The eyebrow-raising moment of the night came when union veteran and euro candidate Peter Cassells almost said the f-word on live TV, or perhaps he was slurring his words due to a toothache as well.

Similar to the tooth fairy, the Rabbitte wants to give kids a bit of cash under the pillow to celebrate their maturing. The alternative Tánaiste is going to invest €1,000 for every new-born baby, and hand the loot over to the brats when they turn 18 years of age.

Well at least Labour cannot be accused of seeking any short-term political advantage as who knows what shape the party will be in by the time any of those pay-outs are due.

The baby bond, or baby bung, will go down well with off-licence and pub owners across the nation who will rejoice at the stream of teenagers celebrating their coming of age with a massive cider party paid for by the State.

The Rabbitte's profligacy to the youth of the nation depends upon him stopping Fianna Fáil and the PDs from manipulating public finances to win the next general election. Not surprisingly, this is the task the alternative Tánaiste is dedicating himself to achieving, along with delivering the odd killer one-liner:

"There was a time when Fianna Fáil ministers had to be convened for a chit-chat before giving a tax break to a developer. You give me the chit and I'll give you the chat", he said to popular acclaim.

Aside from reaming off a list of examples of the Government's incompetence, the recurring theme of the Rabbitte's speech was Bertie Ahern's selective amnesia, which the voters are apparently going to cure in June. "Our Taoiseach can't remember but this time the people will remember," he warned ominously.