Keeping it in the family

Is it fair grandparents have to share the burden of childcare? Mark Evans reports.

MEET the parents. They both work full time to help pay for the things they need. They have bills, a mortgage and two cars. They also have two children, but they have found a way to avoid the high costs of professional childcare.

Meet the grandparents.

Two out of every five children of working parents are cared for by a grandparent or sibling, and three in 10 parents who find this arrangement better than a crèche do not pay for the privilege.

It is undoubtedly the best arrangement for the parents, but what about the grandparents? Is it fair that they should mind their children’s children at a time when they should have one eye on retirement?

“It depends on a particular situation,” says Ann O’Connor, a child psychologist and founder member of rollercoaster.ie, a one-stop shop resource on parenting.

Is it fair that these parents of a generation ago are being asked to climb aboard the rollercoaster once again - when, this time, the ride has steeper inclines, sharper turns and moves much quicker?

“The majority of grandparents relish the time spent with their grandchildren. That is, if they are up to the challenge. Some grandparents are still relatively young and have a lot of energy. But some are not mobile and it is certainly not fair to ask them to look after children.”

Meanwhile, the effects of surrogate parenting on children are fairly conclusive. The critical factor is quality. In a childcare facility, the quality of care available to each child is diminished in proportion to the number of children being cared for. This is where a grandparent offers a better alternative.

Also, the carer’s experience is a factor. If they are not competent then it does not matter how many children they tend to. Again, grandparents have the upper hand.

“A grandparent has a similar approach to life and parenting so parents know they are ideal to fill the role. We all learn how to parent from our own parents.”

Getting a grandparent to look after the children seems the best option - they offer security, familiarity, they share the same parenting methods and, where payment is made, they’re cheap. But this scenario does harbour possible pit-falls.

“This is a big issue but we realise that a lot of grandparents enjoy looking after their grandchildren and are willing to do it,” says Age Action Ireland information officer Gerard Scully. “However, there are cases where it is an imposition because the parents just expect them to do it and they are not given the choice. This is very restrictive for people who have neared retirement and are suddenly given another family to parent.

“Retirement should be an exciting time,” says Scully. “There are a lot of social activities available, but they are not being allowed to access them. There is also the issue of unpaid labour. Parents are being forced into this situation. The cost of professional childcare must be looked at.

“The childcare situation for grandparents can have detrimental consequences. Where there are two sets of grandparents, choosing one over the other can cause conflict. There can also be conflict over religious practice.

“Most grandparents are from a traditional mainstream denomination, such as Roman Catholic or Church of Ireland, and their children have moved away from the Church.

“Also, your statistics say 40% of children may be looked after by a grandparent. I can’t imagine that every one of those older people did not feel pressurised into doing it.”

Age Action has observed pressure on elderly people from a lot of corners. Some are being asked to stump up the deposit for their children to get onto the property ladder. The organisation has also been worried by recent attempts to woo older people with deals for a second mortgage so they can look after their adult children.

Age Action warns that elderly people are being placed in financial difficulties and may not have funds to enjoy their retirement or pay for nursing homes.

“There are two ways of solving this childcare crisis,” says Scully. “There should be proper State childcare facilities and businesses should be more proactive for their employees. The Government should start looking at solutions now in terms of business incentives and State-run facilities.”

However, to avoid paying strangers to look after their offspring, should parents be forced to ask such a task of their own parents? And is it fair on the children, who spend the bulk of their days away from their parents?

“There is huge debate in the world and a lot of research is being done on this whole issue,” says Ann O’Connor.

“One of the key factors is always the relationship between the parent and child. Once that is secure, and there is a sound attachment, then having a child in care won’t have an adverse effect on them.

“However, the amount of hours spent apart has to have some impact on the bond between parent and child. What if the child is in care from 8am to 7pm, five days a week? That is a long time. For parents who work part-time it is different, but the bottom line is relationships.”

O’Connor believes the rollercoaster ride of parenting has become more terrifying.

“People are facing a crisis on how to parent. If you look back one or two generations, the method was clear. It was punitive. Today, there is a range of parenting methods. For instance, we know we should not use slapping but we wonder what other method is best. Parents don’t know what to do instead.

“Also, a generation ago there was a tighter community. Today, we are all so busy we don’t talk to each other, which is why rollercoaster.ie offers a forum for parents to check with each other on what to do.”

Today’s grandparents face an unprecedented situation. The Celtic tiger has left the economy purring and allowed record employment, but it has also forced a lot of parents into the workplace. Our wealth has come at a high price, moving the issue of childcare to centre stage.

Now grandparents are being asked to help shoulder that burden.