THERE is more chance of Elvis turning up alive and well on the day the Loch Ness monster surfaces than Arsene Wenger aping Jose Mourinho by courting Alex Ferguson with vintage wine at Highbury tomorrow night.

RUUD VAN NISTELROOY is set to become the first victim of the ‘Battle of Old Trafford II’ but probably not the last after the FA launched an investigation into Sunday’s ‘soupgate scandal’.