How I fell for Lauren

John Cramer heeds the advice of his ski instructor, but just can't seem to master the snow business.

I HAD no idea what the French four-year-old was saying about me just before he zig-zagged down the nursery slope as gracefully as that guy in the old Cadbury's Milk Tray ad, but I suspect he was having a good laugh.

Which was fair enough. He'd been watching my lack of progress for almost an hour. All novice skiers look like they're drunk on the favoured tipple of mulled wine and judging by the way I fell out of the ski chair he must have thought I was really plastered.