Dear Dáithí: 'My daughter's boyfriend treats our couch like his spare bed'

'Lately, he seems to be staying more frequently, and it feels like our living room is his spare bedroom', writes an anguished parent to agony uncle Dáithí Ó Sé

'On more than one occasion, I've pulled his dirty socks out from down the side of the couch'

Dear Dáíthí,

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a few months.

They are both in college and living in their own homes, respectively. My daughter’s boyfriend is living in a more rural area.

On occasion, my daughter would bring her boyfriend back to our house after a night out, and he would sleep on the couch. I had no issue with this.

God knows, the price of a taxi can be a lot.

Lately, though, he seems to be staying more frequently, and it feels like our living room is turning into his spare bedroom.

He helps himself to snacks — and that’s no problem — but when they head off to college, I often find bowls and glasses left on the ground in the living room.

Charging cables are left in plug sockets, and his college notes are left around the room.

The thing that annoys me the most is that on more than one occasion, I’ve pulled his dirty socks out from down the side of the couch.

I don’t want to encourage him to keep his things in my daughter’s room, as I don’t want a situation where he starts sleeping there.

It’s just not something I’m comfortable with. They are very respectful, and he is a nice young fella, but I need my living room back.

What is it with people these days? They think they can come in and do as they please.

We were all this soldier at one stage of our lives — I know I certainly was. Any time, no matter how many times I stayed, I always cleaned up after myself and made sure to help clean up and wash up after dinner.

It was the way we were brought up, and if I hadn’t done this, I would have been told straightaway to get up off my arse and help.

What has seemed to have happened here is that this young man has, bit by bit, gotten away with the small things and now has grown legs... unlike his dirty socks that can’t walk out of the room on their own!

It’s fair for me to say too that you have been very polite, understanding, and nice to this guy. You have no problem with him staying and helping himself to the fridge; I’d be the same as you in this regard. Great to see the young folk feeling at ease in the house. I like this.

The thing to remember here is that he has forgotten that this is your house and your rules. He should have known this, and you definitely should not be at this stage and setting down ground rules now, but here we are.

In one sense, this is not your conversation to have. In my book, this is where the person who brought this guy into the house needs to step up. So, you need to speak to your daughter about it, tell her, and explain to her that he is a nice guy, but can’t be leaving dirty socks and glasses around the place. This is where the whole family watches TV. This is a common area in the house.

Now, she might not be aware of it because if she were, she might have tried to clean up after him out of embarrassment. Really, this all stops today; she’ll go to him, and that should be it.

Now, the next time he comes, I would be expecting him to say something to you in the form of an explanation or apology. What happens here will be a big show of character, if you ask me.

If he lets it slide, I wouldn’t be happy.

He’s happy and comfortable enough to raid the fridge; he should have the character to say sorry and that it won’t happen again, and your answer to this is, “that’s great, let’s all move on”. You’ll have your point made and also really know what kind of lad this fella is.

You’re totally right not to allow him into your daughter’s bedroom if you’re not happy or comfortable with it. I know other parents are, and that’s fine too, as they are all in college, but it’s back to your house and your rules, and let no one tell you otherwise.

People have all kinds of advice when it comes to other people’s children, which drives me mad. Stick to what you’re happy with.

As you say, your daughter and her boyfriend are very respectful, and this is a huge positive. I really like this in both of them, so I think we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

As you’ve said, he is a nice young fella, so maybe he just needs to learn a few boundaries, and he’ll be fine.

I was internally laughing and thinking back to all the lads I brought home and all the couches I stayed on in my youth myself. We had a great time, but never overstepped the mark. It’s only when I find young people on my own couch now that I realise what a pain and nuisance we were.

In one sense, it’s all a part of growing up and a rite of passage. That is all well and good, says you, but you need to get the sitting room back, and that is fair too.

The only thing I can think of that might go wrong is if your daughter won’t say anything to him.

She might have that dreamy eyes thing and be under some sort of spell. If that happens, then you’re going to have to call him in and give it to him straight; there is no other way around it. This has to stop one way or another. I don’t think this will happen, though.

It should all be sorted very soon, but get the daughter to sort it out; that’s better for everyone, including the boyfriend!