Dear Dáithí: I had a pretty public outburst and now I’m so embarrassed

I don’t know if I’ll ever live it down or if people will ever forget about it

I said some things that I probably wouldn't have said normally. I am pretty embarrassed with myself now. How can I get past this?

Dear Dáithí,

I behaved badly at an event some time back and don’t know if I’ll ever live it down or if people will ever forget about it. It’s no excuse but I was under a lot of pressure at the time.

My mother has been in and out of hospital and each stay is longer than the last. We’re looking at nursing homes for her which might ease one difficulty but will create others, of course.

The company I work for has been taken over by a larger business, and there have been some very odd appointments and lay-offs. There are constant rumours about more cuts coming, so that’s on my mind constantly.

One of my lads had to move schools as he was being bullied a lot. His older brother wants to stay on in the original school though, as he is nearly finished up there and has some good friends. So now we have two sets of different uniforms and different timetables and have had so many meetings with both schools.

My wife is very crabby all the time and nothing I do at home is right. I’m aware of the menopause or ‘the change’ but I didn’t realise it meant my wife would actually change into a different person altogether. We don’t get on at all these days. I feel like I’m carrying a lot by myself.

Anyway, I was at a big fundraiser for the local club and some people there were making jokes about job lay-offs and then some other people made comments about kids these days all being snowflakes and how they’ll never grow up and always need to be minded so much.

I don’t want to give too much more detail though — I don’t want my wife to be even crosser with me, and I also am pretty embarrassed myself now too. But the upshot was that I said some things that I probably wouldn’t normally have said.

I don’t even know if they were having a go at me or if they were just talking generally but I got so mad. I didn’t realise I was speaking so loudly, and I might not have been very careful about how I said things.

To cap it all off, I got my jacket caught on the door as I walked out, so I looked so stupid then too. I’m embarrassed and my wife is furious and my boys have said they heard about it from so many people so none of this is good.

How can I get past this?

You have a lot on going on for the last while: your mother has been unwell; one of your sons had to leave one school because he was being bullied, which now means there are two different drop offs; work has changed for you and there is an uncertainty in your job security; and your wife is ‘very crabby’ with you all the time and you don’t get on at all these days.

Your jug is full and what has happened is that a bit of it spilled over and out in the form of you giving a few local know-it-alls a bit of truth and reality! Well done you! You said you might not have done this if things were different, so this is a good thing and from now on I’d imagine they will choose their words more carefully around you and this too is a good thing.

There is no excuse to act like this you say — excuse is one thing, but to me these are the reasons you did. Firstly, you have been a good son for caring for your mother, you are worried about her and want to make sure she will be cared for. This in time will sort itself out and when we know things like that, we can calm this one down.

I can only imagine what it was like for your son to be bullied and what toll it took and might still be taking on you as a father. But you found the strength to deal with it and you knew you had to act. He is happier now. But the flip side is that he and his brother are in different schools and again, like your mother’s situation, will be sorted in time as your older son will be heading to college in a few months.

So yes, it’s tough now, but there is light at the end of this tunnel.

Even though these problems aren’t the biggest, it’s when everything comes together it can be hard to see through everything.

Companies get taken over by larger ones all the time and can be a dodgy time for the workers. The only thing you can do it keep a close ear out and with what’s floating in the air at the moment you might think of up skilling or reskilling so if something does happen you are ready.

It’s always good to be proactive rather than reactive. It will give you a sense of security and that can only be a good thing.

From the outside, your wife’s behaviour is very tough on you and it certainly is not an easy time for you. It has left you carrying a lot of what’s going on. And down on top of this you don’t feel loved at all. Actually you might even think your wife doesn’t like you... and she might not at this time.

But before we head off to the divorce courts I think it’s important to try to imagine what she is going through. You might not have a lot of empathy at the moment, but you must find some somewhere. If your wife is going through the menopause ask her how she is doing, read up on it, and tell her that you have read up on it and are trying to understand it and what’s going on and that no matter what’s happening , you are there for her — and then get out of the room.

I’m not sure you can do any more at this point until she comes back to you on the topic. I know you are probably thinking that I’m not answering your problem about your ‘outburst’ and here is the reality.

This ‘outburst’ will live a lot longer in your head than anywhere else in the world. You gave a few guys a piece of your mind. Big deal. If they walked a mile in your shoes, they would know about it.

If this was caught on camera and on social media and was doing the rounds, it would last a bit longer, but it wasn’t. Your mind has a great way of lying to you and keeping things like this alive. You have to challenge the reality here and that will stop. It’s been challenged, so stop!

Your kids came to you saying they heard someone talking about it. You should have replied that you were sticking up for them and that they should be thankful. I would explain to your wife about the stress you’ve been under and how that would have caused you acting like this, I’d do this when the time is right, she will understand.

I think it’s pretty clear from my response that you have been carrying a lot alone and you did very well to only give them a piece of your mind. Another person might have thrown a punch, so don’t beat yourself up!

In all of this has anyone asked you if you’re ok? probably not. So, are you? It’s very hard to care for everyone else if you’re not...