Dear Dáithí: My mother-in-law refuses to help with our new baby — she won't even throw a wash on

My mother-in-law has told us that she will not be available for any sort of childcare. She says she has seen friends of hers disappear into rearing a second generation, and that is not the path she wants to walk. I respect that, but I feel angry and rejected.

Dear Dáithí,  

My partner was raised by a single mother. She and I get along well; I have massive respect for her. She raised a wonderful son and worked hard at her career.

The issue is that we recently had our first child. My mother-in-law has told us that she will not be available for any sort of childcare.

She says she has seen friends of hers disappear into rearing a second generation, and that is not the path she wants to walk. I respect that, but I feel angry and rejected. 

When she was a young mum, she was employed in a university, which helped massively with creche services, and her own parents helped a lot.

She is semi-retired and is very fit and active. My partner is great, but he works long hours and often travels.  I can't talk to my partner about this; he is so close to his mother.

I'm feeling resentful, though, she still pops into the house for lunch, coffee etc, which I feel is adding to my day. 

She wouldn't dream of offering to empty the dishwasher or throw on a wash; she's not that kind of person.

I also feel she's missing an opportunity to bond with her first and maybe only grandchild.

I don't have family nearby to lean on. Am I being overly sensitive? 

Being 100% honest with you (and myself), I don't think I'd have the same emotional reaction if my baby only had a grandad.

I wouldn't be upset that a man wasn't helping us out. Is that sexist? Help! 

It sounds to me that your mother-in-law is a tough and mighty woman. 

Being a single mother and working hard at a career can have its difficulties on their own, but doing both at the same time is impressive.

To top it all off, it turns out that your partner is a great guy and a hard worker, just like his mother.

Your mother-in-law does seem to have her mind made up when it comes to minding other children, and she has seen at first hand with some of her friends what happens when the grandparents are called upon, and the next thing, they are to full-time babysitters, and she does not want this to happen to her. 

At the moment, your mother-in-law is semi-retired and is very fit and active, and by the sounds of it, she wants to stay like this and let nothing get in the way.

The fact that she is not minding children at her age might be the thing that’s keeping her fit and active in her mind, and it might well be the case.

The thing about all of this is that this is her life, and she can do whatever she wants with it. 

You might think that this is very unfair as she had help when she was a young mother and you don’t have that support around you - and any parent reading this will understand - but we must be realistic here, you can’t make your mother-in-law do something that she doesn't want to do, and that is the high up and the low down of it. 

You feel angry and rejected. I don’t even know if these are the right emotions to have. 

It's not so much she's rejecting, but more like putting her own life and priorities first. 

She wouldn't empty the dishwasher or put on a wash, but as you said, this is not her, so why expect it from her?

You are setting yourself up for a ‘rejection’. You both have two different sets of values, and that's where the problem is, by the way, both sets of values are right in their own way!

One of the biggest problems I see here is that you think you can’t speak to your partner about all of this because he’s so close with his mother. 

Of course, you can; this option is never off the table. Believe me, there was never a boy closer to his mother than me, and no matter what happened, Rita always came to me, and that was the way.

You have a young child, and now is the time to set that straight because if you don’t now, it will keep pissing you off forever. 

Now even after you chat to him about this and his mother might still want to do nothing - that's fine, because she is not really the issue.

The real issue here is that you need a little help, you need your partner to work a little less for a while, you need to sort out some kind of daycare that will allow you to get on with your own life, so your mother-in-law mightn't be the be-all and end-all after all!

 If she’s getting in the way, work around her and let this not waste your time and headspace.

By her not wanting to be part of her first grandchild's life in a big way, ask yourself who is really missing out, and yes, you’re right it’s her, but I think this will all change after a few more visits.

Nature is a great thing, and as we all know, there is no better feeling when that bond between grandparent and grandchild kicks in.

I would really love to know her real thinking behind being standoffish about all of this, because she knows better than anyone what it was like to be under pressure with a newborn. 

I wonder what she is afraid of. I don’t get it. She must have gotten a fright from a dishwasher or washing machine at some stage in her life, and that why she stays away from them!

I’d be saying out straight to her not to be idle and tell her everyone chips in around here in this family.

Interesting that you wouldn't be as bothered if you were talking about a granddad; in reality, if that were the case, you might feel differently.

It's easy at this point to say something like that when it's only in your imagination. We should always stick to the facts at hand. Speak to your partner about this, but also, if you want, ask your mother-in-law if there is any other reason. 

I understand she wants to live her life the way she wants; that's fine, she has worked hard all her life, and she’s entitled to do as she pleases. I do think she will change when her bond grows with her grandchild!

You must remember that this is all very new for you, you’ve never been here before and don’t be too hard on yourself. Your partner is a good guy and will come true for you.