Bernard O'Shea: Five things I've learned to whisper around the kids

Children are lovely until they start quoting you verbatim at the school gate.

"I whisper, “Is there chocolate in the house?” Not shout. Not say. Whisper. It is as if I’m in a spy film, and a Toblerone is a state secret."

1. “Is there chocolate in the house?”

There’s a moment, usually around 8.45pm, when the children are finally in bed, the dishwasher is bravely clattering away, and I stand at the fridge like a war general surveying a milk stained battlefield.