A lesson in modern manners: ‘People think etiquette is all knives and forks, but it’s so much more’

Etiquette is not about rules and formalities, but about treating people how you would want your grandparents to be treated, expert Patricia Maybury explains to Emer Harrington over a spot of brunch

Patricia Maybury guides Emer Harrington through the etiquette of taking tea during a relaxed and refined moment in her Cork home. Picture: Chani Anderson

In this age of texting at the dinner table and ghosting after first dates, are good manners becoming extinct? I wasn’t sure, so I went for a crash course in modern manners with etiquette expert, Patricia Maybury.

For my generation, the rules of formal dining and polite society were not a priority. Although I’d be the first to remind my child about manners, I could probably brush up on my own.

When I arrive for brunch at Patricia’s home, in West Cork, I’m nervous about making a mistake. But Patricia greets me warmly and is quick to reassure me that etiquette isn’t about rules and formality, it’s about kindness and respect. “Just treat others as you’d like your grandparents to be treated: With respect and civility,” Patricia says.

Patricia’s interest in manners and customer service comes from her late mother, Marie, a baker and wedding-cake decorator. “Mom was gifted with everything that she did. So it’s a wonderful legacy to inherit,” she says.

Her parents owned a butcher shop in Macroom, and instilled in Patricia the value of respect. “When we’d come in from school, Daddy and Mammy would say, ‘Always say hello to the customers,’” she says.

With the support of her husband and children, Patricia turned her passion into a business and founded The Etiquette Suite. She has studied with a number of etiquette schools, including the Emma Dupont School of Etiquette in London, and with social-media creator William Hanson, who shares etiquette lessons with his 2.3m followers on TikTok. The forgotten art of manners is making a comeback.

Some might find the idea of etiquette outdated, but Patricia disagrees. “If you think etiquette is fuddy-duddy or way past, then you’re missing the point. Because to show respect, respect for those you’re dining with, respect at the office, respect to those who you engage with on a daily basis, this is just all etiquette brought up to modern times.” 

Patricia has taught etiquette night classes in Cork College of Commerce, and holds workshops for individuals, community groups, and schools. Her mission is to educate people about the importance of good manners.

“People think etiquette is all knives and forks, but it’s so much more,” she says. Even hen parties are coming to Patricia for lessons: “Not everyone wants the miniskirts and the Stetson hats.”

In Patricia’s sunny dining room, the table is beautifully set. She shows me some of the tableware she has collected over the years, from charity shops and family holidays abroad.

“Another person might be mortified to say, ‘I bought the olive dish for €3 in the charity shop in Clonakilty,’ but that’s doing my bit for sustainability.” 

As we sit down to eat, she demonstrates the correct way to place my napkin in my lap: No dramatic flourish, just neatly folded in half with the fold facing away from me. 

Patricia pours non-alcoholic mimosas, and we toast, but with no audible clinking, and hold the glass by the stem. As I prepare to cut into a homemade scone, she politely tells me that the proper thing to do is gently pull it apart with my hands. I have a lot to learn.

Are manners lacking in modern society?

Our conversation moves on to wider society, where small, polite courtesies seem to have vanished. Patricia says that manners are “desperate”, to the point that “when you get good customer service somewhere, you say it to your friends”. Patricia believes that staff in hotels and restaurants need to be trained on the right way to set the table and greet people.

“There’s a huge need for a little bit of manners,” Patricia says. In her view, the best way to instil manners in the next generation is to begin at home. “Etiquette should start at home, and it shouldn’t just be for the day you’re going to the fancy wedding.”

Etiquette at home

Families should sit down together for dinner, Patricia says. “No digital things whatsoever, and it’s up to the parents to enforce that. The television should be off. The four of us should be sitting down from six to seven, and talking about how the day in school was, how the football match went. The parents have to smarten up there,” she says.

With young children, her advice is not to be too rigid. “You have to have flexibility, but definitely the ‘please and thank yous’, and manners at the table.” Fancy silverware and matching plates are not necessary to follow etiquette guidelines. Use what you’ve got.

“People don’t use all these utensils and the cutlery, and there isn’t a need for all the glasses now,” Patricia says. “People are living maybe in smaller apartments, so that’s changed as well. Whatever you have, if you only have one cup and saucer and one tiny, floral vase, it can be beautiful no matter what, with your beautiful napkin.”

Visiting friends

If you get a dinner invitation, it’s important to RSVP in good time, even if it’s by text. When you arrive, you should make conversation with the other guests. “It’s your responsibility to engage in the correct conversation at the table, and it’s your responsibility to respect those around you, and if there is alcohol served, then not to get tipsy.” Patricia tells me it’s bad manners to show up with your “hands hanging”. I think I do alright on this one, until I find out my gift of choice is an etiquette faux pas.

“It’s actually impolite to bring a bunch of flowers to the host,” she says. 

You land down at the door and hand me a huge bouquet of flowers, I have to find a vase, I have to fill it with water, I have to get scissors to cut the string, I have to put them in water. And, meanwhile, all the guests are coming behind you and the steak is burning under the grill.

"If bringing flowers, it’s best to choose ones already in water. “What you could do is come with a vase of flowers in these specially prepared aqua bouquets,” she says.

Wine is best avoided, too, but if you do bring a bottle, Prosecco or Champagne are the safest bet. Otherwise, you’re potentially putting your host under pressure by choosing the wrong wine for the meal. 

“Because if we’re going to have fish and I wasn’t going to open the red wine, now I have to open it,” says Patricia.

Patricia’s top tip is to bring some artisan produce, such as locally made honey, cheese, or chocolate. This should be a thoughtful token, rather than a lavish gift. “You’re talking no more than €8 or €9.”

The modern dating scene

In days gone by, manners played a big part in relationships. “It was all about respect. The gentleman would walk to the woman’s right-hand side on the pavement, so that any oncoming vehicle or splashes of water wouldn’t reach her,” says Patricia.

By contrast, the modern dating scene “seems like a nightmare” and could benefit from more kindness and respect. “I think it has to be brought back,” she says.

When it comes to picking up the bill on a first date, the correct etiquette may come as a surprise. 

Patricia Maybury: "It’s your responsibility to engage in the correct conversation at the table, and it’s your responsibility to respect those around you, and if there is alcohol served, then it's up to you not to get tipsy." Picture: Chani Anderson.

“Whoever invited somebody to dinner should pay the first bill.” If things don’t work out, communication is key.

“You shouldn’t ‘ghost’ somebody, if that’s the term. I think just say, ‘It’s been lovely to have dinner, but I don’t feel the connection,’” says Patricia.

Phone usage

With our phones permanently in our hands, there can be an expectation that we reply to messages promptly. However, Patricia believes it’s important to keep boundaries. “I think if you respond straight away, it looks like you have nothing much else on,” she says. 

“I text a friend, and I know she’s not going to text for three days, I just know that’s her. I certainly wouldn’t reply straight away, because then it’s tit for tat, and there I am waiting for your reply, and then you can’t get away from it.” It can help to keep phone usage to a set time of day. 

“I block a time, maybe from one to three, that I would be on my phone, because otherwise it’s pinging all day,” says Patricia.

Saying thank you

In our digital age, sending thank-you cards has become somewhat obsolete. Some couples don’t even send them after their wedding. “That’s scandalous,” says Patricia.

If you receive a gift for a big occasion, such as a birthday or the birth of a baby, the proper etiquette is to send a thank-you card within two weeks.

“You have to send a thank-you note,” says Patricia. “

If it’s my daughter’s 21st and you come and you put €50 in the card, then my daughter, within two weeks, would have sent you a written hand note to say, ‘Thank you so very much.’

Patricia says children should learn these practices from a young age. “Even children for Holy Communion, they should all write, ‘Dear Auntie Mary, it was lovely to receive your card in the post. We had a lovely day. Thank you very much.’ And that’s training them.”

Public transport

Unsurprisingly, listening to music on public transport without headphones is a big etiquette no-no. “Journeys should be pleasurable and not just tolerable,” says Patricia.

So how should we handle these situations? 

Emer Harrington joins etiquette expert Patricia Maybury of The Etiquette Suite for a lesson in modern manners. Picture: Chani Anderson

“You’re perfectly entitled to say, ‘Would you turn down your music please, it’s very loud?’” says Patricia. However, she admits that she would be slow to take this approach herself. “I would be fearful to approach,, for fear of an altercation.”

In the workplace

Whatever your workplace, you should treat everyone with respect. “You wouldn’t invade somebody’s personal space. You would never touch somebody,” says Patricia.

When it comes to office politics, Patricia’s advice is to stay out of it: “Just be yourself and be nice. Not everybody will be your cup of tea and you won’t be theirs. Keep away from those negative people.”

Email etiquette is important. “If you’re answering emails, just ensure that they’re professional, and that you answer within 24 hours, or have a message saying you’re away on vacation,” she says.

“You have to respect other people, and you couldn’t be using slang in the email, because you don’t know when the email is going to come back to haunt you. And you should never speak negatively about anybody in the office.”

• Patrica Maybury is an Etiquette Consultant, she provides guidance and advice to foster self-confidence, poise and social finesse. See www.theetiquettesuite.ie for more.