Cork writer Peter Gowen on meeting his wife on the phone: 'It was obvious it was written in the stars'

When Youghal-born writer and actor Peter Gowen picked up the phone one night in London, he could not have known he was about to hear his future wife’s voice. He tells Helen O’Callaghan about how love blossomed in three weeks of nightly phone calls

Peter Gowen: "The phone rang one night, I was alone in the house, and I answered it. It was a friend of Mark’s wife — Anna." Picture: Gareth Chaney.

I met my wife in October 1993. I met her on the phone.

I’d split up from a long-term relationship the previous January. I’d had to move out of the flat we shared so I didn’t have a base in London. I was touring England then and working in the East End. So I was staying with a great friend, Mark Lambert, in Kensal Rise.

The phone rang one night, I was alone in the house, and I answered it. It was a friend of Mark’s wife — Anna. She said, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘I’m a thief, a nice thief, I’m only going to take their video because they’ll need to watch TV while they’re waiting for the police to come’. She thought that was very funny.

We started chatting. We just got on, we talked for two hours. I didn’t try to chat her up — I was just myself. I got to know details about her. She was divorced, had come back from Greece where she’d been for five years, she was starting a new life up in Yorkshire with her five-year-old daughter, Liza.

So we clicked. And then we just chatted every night for three hours on the phone.

My own domestic life had come to an end — you lose friends you had in common when you split up. Now it was wonderful to have this new person on the phone that I’d never seen. This went on for three weeks.

We decided to send each other photos. Mark’s wife had shown me photos, so I knew Anna was gorgeous. She wanted to know what I looked like. I had a moustache at the time that I’d grown for a play I was in — afterwards, she told me it could have been a deal-breaker!

All the politics around meeting someone face-to-face often interfere with getting to know people. We were able to talk freely about everything.

Clearly we had a connection. The question was whether we’d like each other in the flesh. We decided to meet up. She came to London, we met in a pub in Hammersmith. I got there first, I recognised her when she walked in. I thought, ‘she’s stunning’.

We just chatted for another two hours. I made sure I didn’t drink too fast — I do when I’m nervous. We had a kiss. I went back to Mark’s. We decided I’d visit her in Yorkshire. I was introduced to her mother and stepfather. Anna said, ‘We need to go to the supermarket for food’. It was a kind of test, and I knew it. In the car after the supermarket, I said, ‘How did I do?’ She said, ‘What are you talking about?’

Peter Gowen: "Clearly we had a connection. The question was whether we’d like each other in the flesh." Picture: Gareth Chaney.

But it was a test… she later said the supermarket was a way she could gauge whether it was worth spending time with this guy.

You give away a lot in these situations. She was trying to get insight into the type of person I was. She’s very intuitive, very bright.

She’s a senior partner in a law firm now. When we first met, she was considering going back into education.

So we had some kind of informal courtship that was looking at the compatibility and character of a future partner.

Both of us felt the same. And the stakes were high — her daughter was very keen to have a daddy because her own father wasn’t very present. She said the first night — we were sitting on the couch — ‘Why don’t you marry my mummy and then you can be my daddy’. It was kind of the truth out of the mouth of babes.

A few weeks in, Anna said she wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, some kind of casual thing. She said I shouldn’t see it like that. She was serious about this, she was looking for a life partner.

We both had this desire to knock the best out of life. She’s a classy dame, a beautiful, intelligent woman who just kind of got me. Me, being a stage actor, we were never going to be living the high life on my Hollywood salary.

Anna spends a lot of time alone because I’m away a lot. And when she went back to school, I took over the childcare for quite a few years. There’s symbiosis there, great compatibility, and love.

I’m just really lucky we found each other. On the phone that first night I engaged her, whatever it was about my cheekiness… Anna likes cheeky people. Our kids and our animals are cheeky.

It was obvious it was written in the stars. We got married on July 7, 1996.

We’ve had a lovely life together, a really good life. We don’t argue — we’ve had very occasional sharp words. We’re blessed.

There’ve been times when I didn’t work for a long time. I suffered terribly from anxiety, I had a health crisis in 2018.

In recovering, I worked with a wonderful psychologist and freed myself up. There were times we didn’t have much money. We’re not poor but sometimes we had no holiday. It never bothered Anna. She just understood I need to do what I do. It’s symbiotic. We’re a good match.

• Peter Gowen is in Brian Friel’s Making History at The Everyman, Cork, April 11-26. Making History delves into events before and after The Battle of Kinsale in a tale of resistance, revolution and the remaking of heroes.
• For more information, visit everymancork.com/events.