One 'situationship' away from celibacy: The 'inbetween zone' of modern dating
As new lingo pops up to describe relationships people avoid labelling as if their lives depend on it, apps are constantly updating their ‘What are you looking for?’ section in a bid to keep up with the ever-changing realities of modern dating.
In college, I got my heart broken by a man I wasn’t even in a relationship with — well, not really.
I had entered the painfully confusing zone of the situationship, another label coined by daters to describe romantic relationships which have no clear definition.
Unlike ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘booty-calls’, situationships are about emotions and sex — minus the commitment.
The term might have gained popularity in the last couple of years, however the concept is far from new. In the early 2000s, we had Sex and The City’s Carrie and Big.
These days? The pair of poor communicators from Normal People, or more recently, Emma and Dex in One Day.
After moving to a country where I knew a handful of people, loneliness crept in and I downloaded a dating app. Then, I met a guy from the same college.
As soon as we started debating about the state of the world in his parents’ kitchen at 2am while his dog was waiting for one of us to declare forfeit and play ball, I knew I was in trouble.
Despite having next to nothing in common, we clicked. We saw each other every week and texted every day for eight months.
We were on the same page, there was no point in getting into an actual relationship when both of us would be moving after graduation.
He pushed me to submit more of my writings, and I helped him prepare for his job interviews. My flatmates never understood our dynamic, but I knew one thing — we genuinely wanted to see the other thrive.
Then, lines became blurred. By the time he told me “We could meet weekends, it’s only a short flight” and played pretend with a scenario where we could be together, I was left confused.
Even though we weren’t together, I went through the worst breakup that summer when we said goodbye. It took my heart over a year not to skip a beat when someone mentioned his name.
The worst part? All the what-ifs left unanswered.
In a society where the world is at your fingertips and swiping possibilities are endless, it’s no wonder dating has become harder than training for a marathon.
As new lingo pops up to describe relationships people avoid labelling as if their lives depend on it, apps are constantly updating their ‘What are you looking for?’ section in a bid to keep up with the ever-changing realities of modern dating.
Bumble asks ‘What do you want from your date?’, and between long-term relationship and marriage, you can now pick “intimacy without commitment” - the perfect umbrella for situationships.
You think I would have learned my lesson, but I sometimes like to walk straight into a wall twice — just to make sure the foundation is steady.
Last year, I found myself in yet another situationship — except this time, I wasn’t aware I was in one.
We dated with the intention of taking it seriously from the get-go. It was going pretty smoothly, until my audacity got the better of me and I tried to define what we were after six months of dinner dates and road trips to Kerry (How dare I?).
Determined to get answers on a concept that can be both a blessing and a curse, wondering if I may be one situationship away from celibacy, I took my questions to Instagram.
It didn’t take long for my inbox to be inundated with stories from strangers and friends, which painfully resonated with mine.
This came as no surprise as according to a YouGov poll in the US, in 2024, half of Americans aged between 18 and 34 have been in a situationship.
What quickly became apparent, is that every person I talked to had a different definition of the term. Still, they all for different reasons appeared to agree situationships have become a plague.
Among those who responded was Christine Anne Foley, the author of the ‘IT Girl’ novel, Bodies.
Since her last long-term committed relationship, she found herself “the victim” of situationships.
According to her, the concept brings a perfect solution for those who want to be in a relationship — without responsibilities.
“In my experience as a woman who dates men, a situationship seems to bring about the perfect dating solution for men who like having all the benefits of a girlfriend but none of the responsibilities. I’m sure this works the other way too, and I’ve seen men fall victim and become female situationship prey. While I am being somewhat facetious, the modern dating world has created this ‘in between’ that I feel is really damaging,” Christine said.
Like myself, she wonders if the apps are to blame — or if there might be something deeper behind it.
“Every time I have a successful swipe, go on a handful of dates and then hear the dreaded words, ‘I’m not really looking for anything right now’ I see two options ahead of me: One, buckle in for six months or dates, sleepovers, meeting family and friends and then getting gaslit that you were never actually official when I catch him sleeping with another woman; or two, call it a day and onto the next one.”
Only one man texted me about his own story, Scottish rapper, Bemz. For him, it gets tricky when one of the two players doesn’t stick by the rules.
“It’s a shame how it usually starts as casual, but someone doesn’t stick or abide to the rule of said casual,” he explains. “It could easily be avoided by clear communication and calling things off as soon as feelings get involved but that never happens.
“I’ve been in several, and I’ve had to be the one to cut it off because it’s not fair to know that someone has feelings but still actively see them when you’re not into them in a relationship way,” he said.
These conversations marked a turning point for me after many failed dating experiences — from now on, one thing is clear: I refuse to be confused.
And next time I get my heart broken, it better be by someone I’m actually dating.
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