Dear Dáithí: Now my kids have left, I want my husband to move out too

Dáithí Ó Sé: "Your husband is a good man and has worked very hard to make sure that you and the whole family had and still have everything they need." Picture: Domnick Walsh © Eye Focus LTD.

This article was first published on February 2, 2025.

Dear Dáithí,  

My last child has left for university, and I find myself letting out a big sigh of relief. I haven't had a proper relationship with my husband for years, but it was an unspoken agreement between us that we would wait until the kids were reared and out of the house before we would think about the next steps. We are civil to each other, but really, there is no affection between us, we have been sleeping in separate beds for years now. 

We told the kids it was because his snoring kept me awake but really, we just wanted our own space. He is a good man, he has provided for us very well over the years, he works a lot. He wasn't really there to help when the kids were small, and looking back, I resented him for it. I felt very alone for a long time.  I work too, but I don't make half of what he does, and I don't think I can afford my own house. I need to talk to him about this. 

I'm sure he is ready for us to separate officially, but I don't know how he will feel about leaving the house. I feel like I just want my own space and to be able to begin this next chapter of my life, without being tied to him anymore. 

I hope it doesn't sound cold; I really believe he feels the same way. We just don't love each other anymore. We don't even have eye contact, we barely speak day to day, to be honest. We have separate schedules, I have my own interests and friends, as does he. But I can't remember the last time either of us had friends over to the house. 

I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own home again. How do I approach this so I get the best possible outcome for both of us. I do feel I should stay in the house, so the kids have a base too, to come home too.

If I’m totally honest I find this situation very sad. What we really have here is two good people who have worked very hard to make sure the children have all they ever needed and have forgotten about themselves as individuals and as a couple, what’s even sadder than that is how common it is in the world today. I’ve only had this conversation with a friend of mine who lives up north two weeks ago, the only difference is that her three children are in their teens. 

I was asking her how things were going and she said fine and went on to explain that her and her husband get on well but are only going through the motions. They are good to each other and there is no fighting or anything like that, they are just living through their children. Reading between the lines of your letter I think this happened to you too. You looked around and all of a sudden 15 years have flown by.

Now I don’t like ‘unspoken agreements’ what kind of agreement has no words, a crap one! What really happens is that you think you know what’s going on and so does he. Its like both of you digging a tunnel and starting from two different sides, before you know it and after all the digging, you’re still both on different ends but at the opposite sides. It's time to stop digging and start talking. 

Again, from speaking to people about this chat, they all thought that it would be a relatively easy chat, but it’s not, in your head this chat is where you draw the line on the relationship, but because there was no big bust up or huge argument or someone cheating on the other person, you might come away from it with a heavy heart. 

This might not be the case but on what I’ve heard from others be prepared for that. Also, you say you’re sure your husband is ready for us to separate, going back to the unspoken agreement, be careful, he might but be. 

If he is, off you both go, but just broach the whole conversation with care until you’re sure.

Your husband is a good man and has worked very hard to make sure that you and the whole family had and still have everything they need. But you resent him for not being there when the kids were small and I know you did feel alone at times, but can you really hold this against him? 

I’m sure if you asked him what would he prefer, to be working or home he’d tell you straight up. No man wants to out working unless they have to, that is certainly the case with me. I’m like your husband, I work a lot to make sure the family is taken care of, but would I be out working if I didn’t have to? 

Not a hope in hell. Your husband might even beat himself up for working so much and not realizing that time with the children is so precious, that alone is enough penance for any man.

All that said, its clear from your letter that you both have drifted apart and are in the words of the song ‘living separate lives’ (sing it if you wish). So regardless of what happened you seem to be ready to move on and you seem to know what you want and really this is great. I don’t think you're cold for saying that you want a start a new chapter without any ties to him, that’s natural, but it mightn’t be as easy as just saying it. First of all, if one of you moves out where will the money come from and more to the point these days, where will you get a place? It’s not easy to find a house not to mind a nice one and also the children, you’ll be connected to him forever through of them.

I do admire how you both have stuck with it, whatever ‘it’ is for the last few years to make sure the children had both parents around and making sure they haven’t been affected. It depends how much they have copped during the last few years with what has been going on, they might be thinking there is something is up already. Whether they did or not the conversation with them is going to be very tough. 

Whether they are 10 or 20 its still going to hit them hard, they have always seen mom and dad as a unit. It goes without saying that this conversation has to be a joint effort. I know of a situation where one parent went on a solo run and nothing good came from it only heartbreak. 

Now they might know something is coming, but the main thing is that they know nothing changes when it comes to loving them and it’s important that they know that you both are going to be ok too. Have this well worked out with your husband, you’ll have to be united on this, it’s the best for everyone.

But before all of this you’ll have to sit down with himself and ask, "How did we get here and where are we going?"