Bernard O'Shea: 10 things to know about your digital twin

Bernard O'Shea: "We’ve swapped human wisdom for gadgets that count calories and steps, but I’m not sure we’re better off."

I thought one Bernard O’Shea was enough for the world. Then, I discovered the concept of a digital twin: A fitter, brighter version of me living in the cloud.

And, now, I feel personally attacked by my own data. Imagine this: A virtual Bernard tracks every crisp I eat, my every lazy day, and every ‘accidentally’ skipped workout. It’s like having a mammy in the cloud, wagging her finger and saying, “You’ve been sitting too long. Move yourself!”

But I can’t help wondering: If this digital version of me gets six-pack abs while I’m struggling with the waistband of my jeans, who’s really winning?

Growing up, fitness advice came from your parents, not an app. My father would shout, “Go outside and get fresh air!”; or, “Stop eating biscuits before dinner!” The closest thing to a fitness tracker was a PE teacher’s hawk-eye vision. 

Now, we’ve swapped human wisdom for gadgets that count calories and steps, but I’m not sure we’re better off. The human approach had heart — and Taytos. 

The science behind digital twins is impressive. They use data from wearables to create a virtual you, tracking everything from your heart rate to sleep cycles. This information helps spot patterns and encourage healthier habits, but the technology isn’t perfect.

1. Your Digital Twin Has Abs —You Don’t

The first thing to know is that your digital twin is the ideal version of you. It doesn’t crave Taytos or get winded climbing stairs. Instead, it’s a constant reminder of what you could be…if you weren’t human. While my twin hits 10,000 steps daily, I count how many biscuits I can eat without spilling crumbs on the couch.

2. It Knows More About YouThan Your Partner

Your digital twin has access to everything: Your heart rate, stress levels, sleep patterns, and even how many times you’ve dodged the gym. It’s like a nosy neighbour with data analytics.

3. It Thinks You’re Lazy

Here’s the truth: AI doesn’t understand ‘lazy’. My wearable keeps buzzing at me to “stand up and move”, but it doesn’t account for my need to sit with a proper cup of tea and have the chats. Sometimes, resting isn’t laziness; it’s cultural.

4. It’s Always Right — AndYou’re Always Wrong

My digital twin told me my heart rate was too high. Of course it was — I’d just opened my electricity bill! These apps don’t account for real-life stress triggers. They’re quick to analyse, but slow to empathise.

5. It’s f##king Obsessed with Steps

Digital twins live for step counts. Mine buzzes with delight when I hit 10,000 steps, but it doesn’t understand the futility of pacing the kitchen to make up the last 200 steps. Watching me march around in circles, my cat thinks I’ve finally lost it.

6. It Never Forgets

Unlike your partner, who eventually forgives, your digital twin remembers everything. It knows when you skipped workouts or ate half a cake at a Christening in 2017. There’s no hiding from its unrelenting memory.

7. It’s Always in a Better Mood

AI doesn’t get Irish weather. My digital twin might log my cardio after a rain-soaked walk, but it doesn’t know the soul-sapping misery of drenched.

8. It Would Never Understand a Fry

AI wellness apps can’t comprehend the joy of an Irish breakfast. They recommend high-protein smoothies and avocado toast. My twin doesn’t know what it’s missing.

9. It Wants to Be Your Mammy

Mine constantly mothers me. It says, “You’ve been sitting too long”; or, “Do you really need another biscuit?” “How are you feeling now?”

It’s relentless, but, unlike my mother, it will never bring you a cup of tea and a ham sandwich you never asked for, but ate.

10. You’ll End Up Competing with It

The real danger is that you’ll start competing with your twin. I’ve found myself walking laps of the garden just to beat its step count. It’s like a sibling rivalry: A rivalry that started out with a friend who wanted to help me.

Maybe the real journey isn’t about becoming your digital twin. It’s about letting your digital twin catch up to the wonderfully imperfect human you already are.

And, remember: You can always just forget to charge your devices. I’m not worried about sentient AI robots taking over the world. I’ll just plug them out, and if I can’t, and I have to run away from them, well, at least I’ll make my steps for the day.

• Bernard is on tour with his new stand-up show, ‘Desperate House Husband’; see bernardoshea.ie for tickets.