End-of-life planning: how 'thoughtful consideration' of life after our own is a skill

Elizabeth Oakes, founder of Pure Reflections.

American actor Shannen Doherty died in July this year following an almost decade long battle with cancer. 

Before her death, not only did Doherty draw up a list of those she did not want at her funeral, but she also filed for divorce from her husband of 11 years. According to reports, the divorce was finalised the day before she died.

While these are exceptional requests there is something to be said for being prepared for what is, after all, inevitable.

Typically, when arranging a funeral for a loved one, common concerns centre around the type of service the deceased may have wanted and what readings and songs should be included.

Elizabeth Oakes, founder of Pure Reflections thinks it’s important that people make arrangements in advance. “Planning ahead allows for thoughtful consideration of options, whether it's choosing a specific type of end-of-life care or making financial preparations to cover the costs. It can also provide peace of mind, knowing family and friends won't have to make these decisions in the midst of their grief, or they won’t have to worry about how everything will be financed.” 

For those already struggling with grief, the financial outlay can be a huge worry. The average cost of a funeral in Ireland has reached €6,000 according to research conducted by Peopl Insurance.

Recently there has been a new-found interest in alternative funerals and end of life celebrations. Elizabeth believes this is because people are becoming more conscious of the environment. “More and more, we want our choices to reflect our values, even in our final moments. Plus, the idea of celebrating life instead of mourning death really resonates with a lot of us. It feels more personal and meaningful, offering a positive way to honour our loved ones.” 

Pure Reflections provides a service known as resomation — or water cremation — to return the body to its natural components. Elizabeth explains: “Just like flame cremation the bones are processed into a fine white powder which are returned to the family in an urn. This service eliminates the need for a coffin or embalming, reducing costs and benefiting the environment.” 

Just as in birth where one can call upon the assistance of a doula, the same help is now available during the dying process. 

Melissa Murphy, of Stars Beyond Our Skin, refers to herself as an end-of-life doula.

Melissa Murphy, of Stars Beyond Our Skin, refers to herself as an end-of-life doula, which she describes as a non-medical professional role providing emotional, spiritual and practical support. “There are countless tasks a doula can offer. What first comes to mind is presence, listening, being a calming influence and non-judgmental witness. When I tell people how I spend my time, I have yet to find anyone who has changed the subject or left the conversation. Most often what comes next is a story about someone they loved who died. Whereas once death talk may have been discouraged at the dinner table, I'd say it's a great conversation starter these days.” 

Melissa has helped her clients by providing and discussing healthcare directives, spent time normalising the dying process with a family whose loved one was transitioning, and has even driven someone to an animal refuge as a last wish. “End-of-life doulas are different in that they can enhance the support that is already there, filling in gaps where others might not have the time or resources.” She believes end of life is a wellness issue. “This is a life skill that we all deserve to be familiar - even comfortable with - before we meet it ourselves.” 

Does she think people are afraid of death? “It’s a complex question because for some it’s not death itself, but when they will meet it or how. It could be anytime. There is much to say, but I find people to be just as curious and open to it wherever I find myself in the world.” 

Kate Burrows of West Country Willows.

Kate and Alan Burrows of West Country Willows are full-time basket and willow coffin makers. It isn’t unusual for them to be approached by people asking to make their own coffins. 

Kate says it can be cathartic for people who are dying. “It’s a time in their life when there aren’t many choices available to them and this is something they can make choices with. And when you’re creative with your hands you’re not thinking about anything else; you’re immersed in the process.” 

“Some people are dying of cancer; some people know they’ve maybe got a couple of years left and other people just want to make a coffin. We recently had a mother and daughter come and make the mother’s coffin. She’s not dying, it was just something she wanted to do. They did it together and it created a wonderful bond between them. They spent four days with us and made the whole thing from scratch and it was an amazing week.” 

Kate likens it all to the journey of life. “People like to have that bit of control and that bit of freedom around that final thing and making choices, and about sustainability and not doing any harm and making something beautiful. They’re making a final statement in their life and it’s an amazingly positive experience.” 

At one stage or another we have all shared the it-will-never-happen-to-me mindset. But death is a natural part of life and whereas most of us would prefer it to happen later rather than sooner, something else worth putting in place is a will. 

Sinead Dooley, solicitor with Patrick J Farrell and Company Solicitors says making a will takes an hour and a half. “I meet so many people who say they have been meaning to come in and make a will, the thought regularly nagging at them. They are always surprised by how easy the process was and the relief that they can now put it out of their mind.” 

Sinead says she frequently comes up against the mistaken belief that people don’t need a will if they don’t have any assets. She outlines why this is not the case at all. 

“None of us have a crystal ball — there could be a future inheritance or a death in service payment through work or even a lottery win. If, on the day you die, there is no money in your bank account, that’s fine. Nothing happens. There is nothing to distribute so the will is ignored. If, on the day you die, you have managed to build up a nest egg, that nest egg goes where you want it to go. So, whether that be friends, family, children or even the cats’ home, the important thing is your wishes are followed.” 

Planning your own funeral may strike people as morbid or even macabre. Understandably, family members may become upset or even angry. There are happier events to organise after all, but planning ahead for our own passing can give our loved ones peace of mind knowing last wishes were carried out as requested, and thus the healing process can begin.

Perhaps it’s not the worst way to have the last word.