Dear Dáithí: With our youngest off to college, will we be okay on our own?

I can see where you are coming from with this dilemma

Mon, 02 Sep, 2024 - 15:01

Daithi Ó Sé

Dear Dáithí,

I’ve had a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach for weeks now and I didn’t really know why but just this week it hit me. Our youngest will be starting college soon and leaving home to live in Limerick – it’s not far away, we only live in Cork, and in fairness, she’s a sensible kid, and so smart, I’m not worried about her. We have three kids, the eldest is 24, so my husband and I haven’t been on our own for any real length of time for over two decades! Don’t get me wrong, we still get on, and have a laugh together, but to be just us all the time is a bit daunting. My husband says we’ll be fine, and I know, it’s not as if I’m expecting anything awful to happen, it’s just making me feel nervous for some reason. Kind of like butterflies in my stomach. It’s a big change. After 25 years of marriage, it feels a little like we’ll need to get to know each other all over again.

So, the youngest is off to college and you get to reclaim the house for yourselves. I know lots of people who are waiting for that day, and for some it can’t come quick enough. But I can see where you are coming from with this dilemma. I think lots of people don’t even think about it and then find themselves looking around at an empty house and wondering who the auld guy in the corner is. It seems that you’ve been thinking about this for a while and not only that, but it’s also been bothering you, so you were right to write in.

A lot of the times when things are bothering me I find it hard to nail down what it really is. From the outside here it might be that your youngest is moving on or is that you and your husband have put so much time into making sure that the kids had everything that ye both forgot about yourselves. You do still get on and have a laugh together as you say, but you’re thinking is this enough to fill the silence of a family from now on.

Towards the end of your letter, you’re wondering if you both need to get the know each other again and even if you do, how bad. You married him for a reason 25 years ago and what has changed since that only a few children that have sucked the life out of you both and now they have moved on to the next stage of their lives and you should do the very same. Those butterflies that you are feeling might be the excitement of a new chapter - unchartered waters - and how exciting is that. Your husband says everything will be fine and I think you know that too in your heart and soul, but just need some reassurance. So butterflies are good here not bad.

The reality here is that your daughter is only moving to Limerick and as everyone reading this will know, once she realises she has to wash her own cups and drawers, she’ll be home every weekend. So really, you’ll only have the evenings after work with the husband, which is a good test of what is to come in a few years when she has enough money to pay someone to wash all of her clothes.

This is the perfect time though to start thinking about what you always wanted to do, it might be taking kickboxing classes or going away on midweek trips with friends.

This is your time now to carve out some ‘you time’.

I know a few people who went back to study themselves as there are so many evening courses available now online. I did one myself last winter and it was fantastic. It really is a blank canvas here for you and it’s up to you what you want to paint.

Now what do we do with your husband? You leave him alone. He seems to be very happy with the way things are going. He says it will be fine and I’d believe him. He sounds like me, happy to have the place to himself again. It sounds like he, like you, have worked very hard to get to this place in life and he wants to relax for a while. I would have a real discussion with him about this and tell him how you really felt up until now and ask him is there anything he would like to do either on his own or together. It might be that you both do different things and that is great too. If he doesn’t want to do the same thing as you don’t take it as a knock back or that things have changed over 25 years. Things might be different, but good different.

I think as the kids go back to college this week or next, many parents will have the same concerns at home as you have had. I think years ago parents worried more about what we were getting up to while we were away in a different place - if we were drinking and out too much - nowadays they are not worried about that at all. As you’ve said, your daughter is sensible and you’ll sleep well at night when she’s away. But parents are now wondering what they will do with all the extra time at hand. I wonder when did this change. I wonder did my parents think like this when I was off to college? I don’t think so. I could hear the car starting as I left, as my father headed to the pub in celebration (only a slight exaggeration) and my mother was happy to have both of us out the door (another slight exaggeration).

Just to finish, enjoy and embrace the time that’s ahead. All is fine and just reach for that one thing you’ve missed over the years and make this time about you.