Bernard O'Shea: I met with two professional life coaches, here's what I learned

Letting go of the pressure to stay young, I discovered the freedom and wisdom that come with embracing my age.

Bernard O'Shea. Photograph Moya Nolan

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” Mark Twain might have been onto something with that one. As I hit a certain age, I found myself caught between the urge to cling to my youth and the realisation that maybe, just maybe, it was time to let go. But what does “letting go” mean when it comes to ageing? And how do we do it?

Not long ago, I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror under the unforgiving light of an LED bulb created by a scientist who wants you to feel bad about yourself. There it was — a new deep wrinkle right across my forehead. My first thought? Did I cut myself? My second thought? Maybe it’s time to stop fighting this whole ageing thing.

Three years ago, I decided to see what the other side of the fence was like professionally. Since 12, I’ve spent most of my life playing music or doing comedy. I wanted a break — a chance to reassess and maybe even reinvent myself. So, I did something I never thought I’d do: Meet with two professional life coaches.

Life coaching was something I never imagined I’d need, but both turned out to be one of the best moves I ever made. When I told them I was frightened about my age and this new focus on work-life balance, they both independently laughed.

They reminded me of something simple but profound: Your biggest asset is your experience.

They introduced me to a powerful exercise: Think about where you were five years ago — what your relationships were like, what your work life was like, what decisions you would make in hindsight.

Now, imagine the future you are in five years from now.

What would 50-year-old Bernard tell 45-year-old Bernard? This simple reflection was a game-changer, helping me let go of anxiety about the future by trusting in the wisdom of my past experiences.

One of the hardest things to let go of is the image of our younger selves.

For years, I tried to ignore the receding hairline by buying shampoos called “regenerate”, “revitalise”, and “really, you think this stuff works”. But after covid, I let go of the need to maintain a youthful appearance and embraced the natural signs of ageing. The lines on my face? They’re not something to hide — they’re a testament to my journey.

Especially all those Bus Éireann journeys I took in my 20s.

So, how do we let go in a way that’s not just about giving up but moving forward? Here are a few steps that have helped me along the way: By the way, this is an accumulation of professional advice I’ve been given over the years, so don’t worry, they are not coming from this fecking eejit.

• Acknowledge the fear: The first step of letting go is acknowledging what you hold onto and why. For me, it was the fear of becoming irrelevant or losing the energy I associated with youth. Once I acknowledged that fear, I could start addressing it.
• Shift your perspective: Instead of seeing ageing as something negative, consider it a sign of experience and wisdom. This shift in mindset was crucial for me.
• Practice self-compassion: Letting go doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process, and being kind to yourself is essential. So drop the whole Irish Catholic guilt trip, it’s not worth it.
• Reflect on your growth: Use the exercise my life coaches introduced me to — reflect on where you were five years ago and where you want to be five years from now. This helps put things in perspective and reminds you that you’ve been through changes before and become stronger.
• Find joy in the present: Letting go of the past allows you to fully engage with the present. I’ve learned to find joy in the small things — like a good conversation with a friend or a nice walk (if 20-year-old me saw me writing about “nice walks”, he’d puke). These moments remind me that life is about more than clinging to what was; it’s about appreciating what is.

There’s a certain freedom that comes with getting older — freedom from the need to impress, to conform, to keep up with trends that don’t resonate with who you are anymore.

I’ve stopped worrying about what others think and started living life on my terms. And let me tell you, it’s a game-changer.