Dear Dáithí: How do I introduce my boyfriend to my daughter?

Dáithí Ó Sé. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí, 

I’m a single mom with a young daughter. She’s five.  It’s been just the two of us for her whole life. 

I work full time and with that and taking care of my daughter I never really had time to meet anyone. 

But that all changed eight months ago. I met a guy at a friend’s wedding and we hit it off straight away. We’ve been ‘dating’ ever since and it’s going great. We’ve fallen for each other. He knows about my daughter but he hasn’t met her yet. 

I didn’t want to bring someone into her life only for things to break down so I said we should wait. He’s keen to meet her and I know I’m stalling a bit but I just want to be sure. I think I’m being too cautious (we’re mad about each other) but I just don’t know how to take that step. It feels so significant. 

Should I just take the plunge or ease into it gently?

I won’t lie to you folks this letter made me very happy after reading it. There is so much hope, positivity and love in it. First of all, single mom well done. What a fantastic person and mother you are. Your daughter is very lucky to have you because really what has happened here is that you have put your own life on hold and focused 100% on your daughter's needs and in today’s world that is a very hard thing to do, and I say that in one sense because of social media. I’d imagine it wasn’t easy to be scrolling and seeing all your friends out having a good time and you at home with a child. I think that can very a lonely place especially for a young woman. Meeting someone might have been the furthest thing from your mind as you danced between work and home life, but it’s happened, and I’m delighted for you. This to me is the basis for a great rom com.

You really seem to come to life in your letter when you’re speaking about him - I can feel the excitement and that phrase that you have fallen for each other is so nice. To fall for someone has so many meanings but all in the most positive way. This isn’t a flash in the pan relationship either you are ‘dating’ for eight months and you haven’t mentioned any bumps in the road or anything negative so all seems to be going very well, so I can see why you have written to me. The next part of this puzzle is probably the most important and if dealt with properly it’s time to start looking at dresses.

'New dad'

Your daughter is the most important person in your life and that is not going to change. If you do go on to marry this man, he will be as important to you but in a different way. It’s a feeling that I and many don’t have words for, but we all understand it and doesn’t need explaining. What you don’t do here is land this man home and say, ‘hello five-year-old daughter this is your new dad’. You are so right to take your time with this one, but that said I think now is the right time to start this process. 

The good think here is that this new man wants to meet your daughter and I’d say he is very excited to do so because if he has fallen for you, he will fall for your daughter too. Your daughter hasn’t had any real positive male presence in her life and I really think that it's so important to have this and she is only five so this could be perfect timing.

I don’t like fooling children, first of all, they are not easily fooled and also that might throw a negative cloud over something that is so positive. I would tell her that you both are going to meet one of your friends for tea and see how you get on, and then when things are going well meet on a regular basis. You will pick up on the vibes very soon, but so will your daughter, so be honest with her. Even at the age of five when she sees her mother happy, she will be too. Even at the age of 48 when I see my mother with a smile on her face it makes me happy. That never changes.

Nothing changes

When you do have that conversation that this man is now your boyfriend it's important that she knows that nothing changes with your relationship. She might be worried that mom now is split between her and this new man. That needs to be knocked on the head. He is no threat to any part of that relationship - it’s the opposite in fact, he’ll be adding to it. Another safe pair of hands that will take some of the pressure off you.

Just thinking about all of this, it must have been very hard to keep this under your hat (soon to be veil) for the last few months and when your daughter knows about it, it will be easier to start living life out in the open, and that too will relieve a lot of pressure. It does seem like the stars are aligning and don’t be afraid of that. This is all positive and once your daughter is on board, and she will be, it's time to start enjoying life because you have put in a lot of hard work.

Just going back to what I said in the beginning. This is such a lovely letter. I love it when good things happen to good people. All we seem to hear of these days is the dark and bad stuff, more romance is what I say!