Dear Dáithí: Our sibling is in trouble, but proud — how can we help?

Dáithí Ó Sé. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,

I come from a tight-knit family of four siblings. We’ve always been close, and even though we all have our own families, we still try and meet up regularly. 

One of our siblings is going through a difficult time at the moment, they’ve fallen on tough times financially. They’re in danger of losing their house. 

The rest of us are all doing well, we’re comfortable. We want to help our sibling out but they are so proud (we only found out by accident that they were in the situation they’re in), I’m not sure how they would react.

The rest of us have been trying to think of the best way to approach the situation, and not make it look like we’re pitying them, or that we think they’re a charity. 

Is there a way we can broach this in a sensitive, practical, way?

It sounds like the four of you have a great relationship, and this is great to hear. I know lots of families tend to drift apart after a few years when children come along and that too is a natural thing. 

To be honest you kinda have to make an effort to keep everybody together. I’m lucky in our family, I mightn’t see my siblings too often but when we do meet up, we can pick up where we left off. 

Not alone are you guys close, it seems too that you have each other’s backs, and this is brilliant — especially if an issue arises, and here we are now faced with a big one.

There are a few different elements to your letter: There is your sibling losing their home, how you found out about what is currently happening, and how you are going to broach this tricky situation with them. 

But the most important element here is that you and your other siblings are here for them and are willing to help them out. We have a bit of ducking and diving to do before we get to that point though.

The biggest and most important thing here is the house — your sibling can’t and won’t lose this. It’s very clear from your letter that everybody understands this. 

The house is often what keeps people together and even when the children are off to college or live abroad it’s the home that acts like the glue. 

Now these are very proud people and you seem to think that this will be a problem, and yes I can see why; they might be embarrassed — and also everyone else in the family are doing well, so that might add to this too — but let’s go back to your opening statement, you are a tight-knit family and that to me is the strongest bond you can have. 

That said, we need to tread carefully and with compassion.

CRACKING AN EGG

The biggest hurdle we have to jump is how you tell this person you know what is going on. If you tell them that you heard it from a neighbour, they might think the whole place is talking about them and I really think it will hurt so we’ll try to avoid that as much as possible. 

So, what do you do? Not tell them you know, and they lose the house? Or eventually say, look I know what’s going on and we are here to help. Cracking egg to make an omelette comes to mind.

I would be sneaky here. Get the one of you who is closest, and there is always one, to go fishing with the sibling in question. 

Something like “I’ve noticed that you are different these days, is there something up?”. Give them plenty of time to talk and open up. You will know best when you’re in that chat. You will feel the temperature and when you see a gap go for it. 

“Is everything ok?” — that is another very powerful question. Don’t jump straight in if there is no answer, keep your powder dry. They’ll fill in the silence. They might even be waiting for one of you to start this conversation. 

They might not know how to broach one of you. This could be a relief that this is happening. They might be afraid to ask for help. That’s why it’s important to give them the chance to speak freely. Financial problems can lead to other issues, so be ready for that too.

What I’m trying to avoid here is this person sitting in front of you all in an intervention-type scenario, unless you think something like this might work. A big family love-in if you like. I get the feeling that something like that might be the last resort.

Whoever is having this conversation should make it very clear that this is not a charity situation, and they are not being pitied. This is a very serious issue and it’s being taken in that light. 

If the only thing that gets hurt here is some pride, well then, that just might have to be the case. We must always keep an eye on the big picture.

It’s important to stress here too that this is an adult conversation and no child on either side should know about this. That would be a far worse situation if they heard about it. That kind of stuff can stay with them for a long time not to mind the current worry that would go with it.

This is a family matter to be kept in house and away from the young folk, and when broaching the subject with your sibling this is exactly the atmosphere and environment that should be around the conversation.

Bottom line here, your sibling will not lose the home because your family are all coming together. Your sibling would do the same for you. 

The ego and pride might take a hit and if that’s the price, I’m buying!