Richard Hogan: This is the catchphrase I give anxious children to help manage their fear
Richard Hogan. Photograph Moya Nolan
The brain is one monster of a problem solving machine. Look around, everywhere problems solved. The toothbrush you used this morning, the shoe laces you tied, the mode of transport you used, the doors you opened to get in or out of a building. Everything you see before you, is the brain’s response to a problem.
By the time the WHO officially declared the pandemic on March 11, 2020, over 500 whole genome sequences had been shared spanning 39 countries and six continents. In short, the virus’s days as a serious threat to our existence were numbered before it even started. That’s how efficient our problem solving machine is!
However, there is one problem it cannot solve. Do you know what that is? The big problem facing all of us? No, not the climate, although significant, the biggest issue the brain cannot solve is; what is going to happen next! That is always an unknowable problem, and by God it tries its best to resolve this ancient dilemma. Ever since we stood up, and developed a neo cortex for complicated abstract thinking, the brain has been trying to resolve this perplexing problem. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, ah yes even Macbeth struggled to figure out what his tomorrows would bring. It is a futile effort, like trying to keep the tide out with a spoon, it can’t be done!
So, what does the brain do when it can’t resolve something, it comes up with all sorts of interventions. When we have a fear we have two main responses, avoidance and control. Not knowing what will happen next can provoke fear, which can trigger one of those two responses. understanding that can help you support a child who has obsessive or phobic behaviours.
We didn’t have to have memory as a species, but we do. It is there for a reason, to have an image of a threat, like a tiger eating your best pal would provoke the old warning system if you saw that same tiger again. And it might just save your life! But memories are not simply recalled, they also help us make sense of who we are today and more importantly allow us to accurately predict who we will be tomorrow.
That is such an important insight when working with an anxious child, or a child who is avoiding going into school. If a child has no memory of overcoming adversity or dealing with an issue, they will predict with certainty that they will not be able to deal with any unknown future difficulty, and this will provoke their warning system. Which, in turn, may cause an avoidance or control response.
So, allowing your child to deal with issues is such an important gift to give your child.
I have worked with so many children who try to control every little aspect of their world. They fear having no control, so they try to exert incredible control over their life. They might check under the bed 100 times, check the doors are locked, repeat intrusive words like, ‘go away, go away’ to try and satiate the fear. It can push their life into chaos.
When I’m speaking with them I calmly try to talk with the logic they are running. It can often seem illogical, but when you really analyse it, it’s hyperrationality that is at the core of their behaviour. If I do (a) (b) will happen. However, in reality what they are doing to calm their fears is causing their life to become chaotic and more fearful.
In psychology it is called a positive feedback loop; the thing they use to make themselves feel better is the thing that is spiralling their life out of control. So, I talk to their logic and say, when you check under the bed 100 times, or say ‘go away, go away’ a thousand times do you feel in control? They will always admit they do not feel in control, then I explain, the thing you are using to help those anxious feelings actually make them worse. They agree.
Then I give them this little catchphrase, if you take control of not having control that will give you the control you are seeking. I get them to repeat it and make it like a little mantra for when those negative feelings pop up, which of course they will. I always tell parents, don’t overly reassure your child and don’t let them avoid stressful situations. How do we defeat a virus? We get immunised to it. They give us a little so we can deal with a lot! Now think about that the next time your child wants to stay home, not do their homework or get out of a team sport they are a member of.
Avoid avoidance at all costs. It is the root of future anxiety. They learn by going into school, the anxiety passes by itself or by taking part in the activity they are hoping to avoid. The human brain is one complicated machine, and we will all get anxious from time to time. But with some positive support, anxiety and obsessive behaviours do not have to engulf your child’s life.
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