Richard Hogan: Now that I'm parenting my own screenager, will all my theories hold up? 

Richard Hogan. Photograph Moya Nolan

Well, it finally happened. I am now parenting a screenager. Karma has a funny old way of biting you.

For years, I have been offering parents insights on how to build a better relationship with the teenager in the house. I used all my experience working with teenagers both in schools and in my clinic, to devise practical strategies to help ease the tumultuous years of adolescence.

Of course, those years between 13 and 17 are particularly challenging.

The human brain isn’t fully developed and teenagers can labour with poor impulse control, and low risk averse thinking. Which can often baffle parents. (“How could you be so stupid?”)

Adolescence, I often proffered, is about being together differently. That beautiful child that looked up to you as a colossus in their early life, is still there.

They may not rely on you like they did, they may challenge you, or even push you away but your relationship will flourish again and so it’s about being together in a different way during these early teenage years.

I’d warn parents they cannot be their child’s best friend, because a best friend doesn’t tell you what time to go to bed, what to eat, or when to come home.

I offered this warning because I saw the damage an inverted hierarchy caused to the peace of a loving family.

I saw what happens when there are no boundaries and how teenagers struggled in that dynamic.

I told parents that they had to think about their role as a held autonomy.

What I meant was they had to give their teenager more freedoms while also remaining in a supportive parental role.

No easy feat, but vital for a healthy adolescence.

Well, I’m now one such parent. It will be interesting to see if all that theory holds water living with a screenager.

Last Saturday, I watched my baby celebrate her arrival into the teen years with about 60 other excited teens. 

Fake tan, dresses like belts, eyelashes brilliantly big, overly zealous screaming when someone new came into the room. I wish someone reacted like them when I entered a room!

It was funny to observe. You could tell how young the girls were by looking at the boys.

The boys were the more accurate barometer of age for the entire group. The girls all seemed far older, but yet they were only babies.

Hugging each other and screaming when a new song came on. Kids playing the adult game of intricate human communication. 

A funny moment was when ‘Murder on the Dance Floor’ belted out over the speakers. Some of the girls started to do the worm. I didn’t know where to look. I wanted to throw my jacket over them.

Of course, they had their phones out, making little clips for Snapchat and TikTok. But really they were together, sharing in the celebrations. Thanking me, as they left, for a wonderful evening.

We often hear such negative commentary about teenagers: selfishness and obsessed with devices. But these teenagers are the same as all teenagers that went before, insecure, anxious, and trying to figure out who they are.

I think we forget how difficult growing up actually is. All that uncertainty about who you are and the profound impact the words of others have. It is such a challenging time for young adults. We have to remember that.

We were all teenagers at one point, struggling to find ourselves.

The only difference with this cohort is that technology exposes them to adult themes at such a young age, and they can be excluded so easily.

That can have a devastating impact on their soul. I see it so often in my clinic.

I wish teenagers knew the impact their actions had on each other.

Exclusion can be their weapon of choice, they push one of their former friends outside their group and now that friend is isolated and on their own with no one to talk to.

I sit with very disturbed young teenage girls and hear what has happened to their social circle. The devastation is absolute. We have to work harder — with teenage girls, in particular — to show them the impact exclusion has on the person being excluded.

We need better programs in schools to illuminate how their behaviour impacts on each other.

Because they rarely hear the testimony from someone they have excluded, their voice is silent, their experience is muted.

The more empathy they have, the less likely they will exclude each other when an issue arises.

Teenagers will always go through the same challenges. A hundred years from now, they will still be insecure and struggling to find their identity.

The soundtrack may change, Bob Dylan and John Lennon may not be pouring through the speakers but the challenges will be the same.

Coming of age will always be a tricky business.

I’m finally parenting a screenager, I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going. Say a prayer.