'We met when I was 21 and he was 40': What age gap is OK in relationships or does it matter?

What age gap is acceptable in relationships or does it matter at all? Yvonne Reddin finds out

People who are inclined to be older-minded often gravitate towards an older partner.

She met him as a 25-year-old and the person she fell for was 20+ years older, the chemistry was so powerful that everything paled into the background. Nothing her family, friends or close colleagues said mattered about the apparent age difference.

Now, looking back and that same woman is 55 years old, her husband is now in his 70s and noticeably slower in his retirement years. The woman is far from ready to retire and has a busy second life now the children have grown up and moved on, or a new venture is just about to take off for her.

Will the partner be supportive and pleased about this new venture that he sees means the world to his wife or will there be a sense of irritation at not settling into the twilight years together?

There are many different scenarios to this topic, with the one mentioned above and it could also be in reverse order where it’s a younger male with an older partner. Whatever the scenario, if the age gap is there and considerably transparent, how can it work well and inevitably; can it? Some people who are inclined to be older-minded, gravitate towards an older partner and some people who are younger minded, tend to go for a younger partner.

Relationship and communication coach Majella Rowe shares her thoughts on the encounters she has come across in her profession. “When you enter a relationship full of love, joy, and compassion for yourself, you bring out the best of you and the drive and want to make this relationship ‘great’. Bringing to a relationship instead of drawing from it, enhances the connection, communication, and trust with your partner. 

Rowe feels that having honest conversations together can make all the difference: “Individuals don’t know where to start or how to say what they want to say without fear or rejection. When you stop, check in and observe yourself, you get to see what’s not working. Then you can change your reaction which should change the response from others.” 

When one partner has a mere decade age difference, that in itself can cause challenges in terms of being at different stages of your life, the circle of friends you both have and also conversational topics will be more varied.

So, how will a 20- to 30-year age gap stay alive and well in relationships, particularly when it is a three-decade difference, literally a whole life span covered before you even begin.

Executive coach Kate Rooney says as a child, there was a noticeable difference between her parents 20-year age gap. She says: “My dad was 20 years my mum’s senior and I didn’t know of any other relationships that had this gap.

“I felt a little embarrassed when I was asked what age my dad was at times, as it highlighted the fact that my family unit was ‘different’. I also remember my mum craving adventure and excitement and I believe the age gap was responsible for quite a few troubles in their relationship. Mum was young and wanted to be out socialising and dad had already had 20 years of living more than her so they were at different stages in their lives with different needs and that was certainly responsible for a few clashes.”

Kate Rooney grew up with parents who had a 20-year age gap.

Rowe says: “You have to find what works for you, as an individual and as a couple. The question is can you accept the other for who they are and as they change when progressing through various stages in life? Challenges are inevitable in all relationships even more so where the age difference is larger.

“Sometimes individuals are unable to accept the way things are now compared to how they used to be. Any changes, physical or mental in any relationship can be difficult and require patience to deal with and the ability to accept what they once had, may be gone forever. This is exactly when the individual and the partner need the most strength, compassion, and support to get through it.”

Happily married couple, Elizabeth and Trevor (not real names) are an example of how it can work well with good communication, perseverance and lots of variation.

Elizabeth shared when they first met: “I first met my husband when I was 21 and he was 40. For me, it was love at first sight. Throughout the years, he made me feel like a million dollars, continually complimenting and encouraging me to take risks in my career and by always being incredibly supportive. We have known each other now for 36 years. You may ask, what has made our relationship a success? It has been: Change. We love it.”

The change that Elizabeth and Trevor talk about is by changing where they lived, their social circle, and also by having new careers. Elizabeth says: “Significantly, we’ve evolved together. We have remodelled homes and lost it when things go dramatically wrong but mostly, we’ve worked hard to laugh about it and move on. Anger doesn’t change anything. Finding a solution does. Of course, there are times when we can’t do the things that many same-aged couples can do, like climb Mount Errigal at Winter Solstice or run half-marathons. That stuff doesn’t matter because he’s always supporting me at the finishing line. 

He makes me feel invincible.

“Becoming a dad at 50 was a bit of a shock for him, but if anything, it’s kept him young at heart. He wears classic white shirts, tweed jackets and blue jeans and always takes great care of his appearance and health. Sometimes, we have different opinions; of course, we do. We’ve got friends of all ages and genders, not a lot, but those that we have, we love.”

And what is it like for Trevor being married to a younger woman? “I immediately adored my wife as she was vibrant, funny, and professional in our working relationship. I tried hard not to get emotionally involved with her and after five years, we finally turned a platonic relationship into a very exciting one. Over the years, we’ve grown closer and closer. After a beautiful wedding, we settled into a normal family life. Through the years, we have had our ups and downs, but thankfully, more ups than downs. I believe our marriage today is more robust than it’s ever been.

“I would say our longevity is a mix of love, happiness, good communication, no secrets and trust. My only concern is that the age difference does eventually catch up.”

Rowe says: “If the love and commitment are there anything is possible.” 

She also shares tips on how her coaching works for many individuals and couples:

• Check in often with yourself and see how you are doing. Take a pause between a feeling and an action.
• Observe if you are speaking to yourself with words of kindness or words of criticism.
• The most important relationship is the relationship you have with yourself, what you believe, how you think, and how you feel. If you don’t care about other people’s opinions, but still need to know how to deal with them courteously, check in with how you can handle awkward situations in a healthier way that makes you feel in control. Or perhaps don’t have any awkward family dinners at all this year and be around people who make you happy and support your relationship.