Ask Audrey: Nude charity lunches are environmentally friendly — and there's no fashion worries 

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

So like, my brother Roddy is back from San Diego with his anatomically correct American wife and their two perfect kids. 

Yesterday he’s looking at the collection of pastel horseboxes in my section of the back garden and telling the old man that it’s a Failed Business Graveyard and I’m telling both of them it’s not my fault Cork isn’t ready for Deep Fried Kimchi Yankee Candy with Tarot Card Readings and they’re laughing their conventional businessman heads off at me.

Then Roddy says he thought he flew home in a Boeing, but it was obviously a time machine because Cork looks like San Diego 15 years ago, we’re so lame — and the old man is laughing at Roddy because he hates Cork's guts, he’s from west Waterford and a total langer, ya feelin’ me?

I wasn’t taking this from Roddy, who graduated mid-class in accountancy — excuse me while I puke myself to sleep— so I said: "hey man, why don’t you and Barbie eff off back to Trumpland if you don’t like the way we roll in Cork," and long story short, the old man kicked me out for insulting Donald Trump — he’s a big fan, is anyone really surprised?

There is something called a housing crisis going on, don’t know if you heard it Audrey, and I can’t find anywhere to live even though the old man is allowing me 10 grand a month. Any ideas?

Ed, Ballintemple, but not for long.

My friend runs a boutique estate agency for the 1% — it’s called Massive Commission. I said: "What would you say to someone moving from Ballintemple? She said: "The only way is up." #IncredibleSnob

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Look away now, because my mother has a boyfriend — and her 91 years on the planet. He’s 82 apparently with four wives already in the grave: he’s known as The Jinx back in Boherbue. 

Jesus, my poor mother is scraping the bottom of the barrel but I suppose that’s what happens when you go on a dating app called Last Chance Saloon.

Anyway, hasn’t she started to bring him to mass as a 'take that' to her friend Norma who paid for a poster campaign around the town last year to share the news that she had sex with a French man. 

So my mother and her lover are inside at 12 o’clock mass yesterday and didn’t they start discussing what they got up to the night before. 

Bad cess to Viagra — all that kind of carry-on should be done and dusted by the age of 70. 

It would be alright if they had their hearing but they don’t and the whole church was glued to him roaring about ‘fell-at-ee-oh’ as he called it. The priest even stopped the Our Father in case he missed any of it.

Myself and Mammy are laughingstocks in north Cork, but at least she can’t hear it. Will I ever come back from this, tell me?

Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My own mother has a new fella, she hasn’t spared a single detail. I said: "Mum, that’s disgusting." She said: "The gentle paddling?"  I said: "No, he’s a Grade Two Public Servant. Dad was a dentist. I’m heart-broken."

C’mere, why is everybody talking about air fryers? The old doll spent five hours googling them the other night because her friend Carol got one and the old doll is basically Carol’s slave.

I went over to Budgie’s last night for cans and he’s like: "Watch this now Dowcha Donie" — and he throws four sausages into his new air fryer and few minutes later we have sausages that are about 60% as nice as a sausage off of a frying pan, and 10% as nice as the battered sausage I get in Tasty Snacks after a gallon of Carlsberg.

I said: "Budgie boy, that’s a rank sausage if I ever tasted one, odds on now I’ll get a fit of the gawks."

He’s like: "Cop on ya gomie, this is an air fryer, everyone has them now, they’re the future."

And I’m: "Stall the beans will ya, this is scam on the people of Cork."

So, I repeat, what’s the story with air fryers?

Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My neighbour is a slave to the new thing, she has three electric cars, even though she is single and lives alone. I said: "How many air fryers do you have? She said: "How do you know I have even one?" I said: "Just answer the question." She said: "Seven. I have seven air fryers, Audrey, I think I might have a problem."

It’s getting awkward on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Never Wear the Same Outfit Twice. Fifi_NewCheeks opened a can of worms yesterday when she said she was going to wear the same outfit to all the charity events this summer to show her love of the environment.

That’s not very charitable of her, the bee-atch, will someone please think of the children employed making our clothes in poorer countries. Anyway, do you think I should follow suit?

Jenni, Douglas Road.

It’s the big issue of our time really. Myself and the girls in Ballinlough Babes With Time on Our Hands have a much better solution. Nude Charity Lunches. The good news is no one is hassled about an outfit. The bad news is the poor photographer from the Examiner doesn’t know where to look.