Bernard O'Shea: My alternatives to the Christmas office party conundrum

Bernard O'Shea. Photograph Moya Nolan

I haven’t been to a work Christmas party for the last seven years. I would love a night out for a few festive drinks, so I’m surprised that some employees dread their annual outings.

According to The Institute of Leadership and Management UK, “a poll of 1,000 workers ... found that just over a quarter (27%) of respondents are none too keen on the idea of work Christmas parties because they don’t believe employees should be ‘forced’ into fun at the whims of their bosses.

“The party-pooping doesn’t stop there: 34% said they don’t enjoy socialising with colleagues at Yuletide bashes whatsoever, never mind what shape the occasions take. Meanwhile, 30% said they find Christmas parties too intimidatingly cliquey.”

Since Covid, a large percentage of the workforce is either hybrid or fully remote. Two of my friends started jobs last year and have never been in the office, so the idea of having to meet all their Zoom colleagues and, God forbid, their boss, in the flesh for the first time at a party freaks them out.

Also, Covid, like it or lump it, has put paid to the idea that we need to be in an office to be productive, and we’ve shown that we humans can bond online digitally. So why persist with the office party?

I love the idea of heading out early, having a few pre-dinner drinks, then a meal and topping the night off, talking complete and utter rubbish to anyone who will listen. But for some, this is a living nightmare.

As one close friend told me years ago, “I have to hang out with them at work. That’s my job, but they don’t get to tell me what to do with my social life, even if it’s just for one night.”

We’re all aware the office Christmas party can leave you with a sore head the next day, and it can also leave you with massive regret. Especially if, full of alcohol, you said and did things that, in normal circumstances, you wouldn’t dream of, from possibly kissing the wrong person under the mistletoe, to telling your boss exactly how you feel. No amount of Solpadeine can erase the embarrassment. Why do we do it? 

Here are my five alternatives to the traditional work Christmas Party.

Give staff the day off

Let’s face it most would take this over having to rush home, get ready, find babysitters, get new clobber and the hair done. I’d guarantee this would win if there was a vote in most companies.

Start the celebrations at lunch

Remember your last day before the Christmas holidays in school? You were given the Súgradh annual or told you could do art. Every kid knew it was a doss day. It doesn’t change because you get older and have bills to pay. Everyone checks out mentally on the day of the Christmas party. So why not start your party at lunch? That way, you still get the bonding experience, but you can feck off at 3pm. The hard-core gang can then get a head start on the 12 pubs, and those who didn’t want to go in the first place will see it as a bonus half day where the boss is paying for dinner.

Go hybrid

If half the workforce can do it, so can the annual piss-up. Instead of focusing on those who don’t want to show up, why not give them the option of pretending to log in online for Zoom drinks? Nothing says dedication like drinking a can of beer while watching your co-workers get drunk in tiny little squares like a very awkward and dysfunctional Brady Bunch intro.

Have it in the office

This is really a US custom, totally alien to us this side of the Atlantic, but what could possibly go wrong with bringing gallons of alcohol into the office? If filling your employees with drink, well, for God’s sake, allow them to photocopy their arse.

Book a comedian

Why not book a comedian to entertain everyone for 20 minutes? Oh, what’s that, you ask? Am I available? I’m so glad you asked. Yes, (I am hoping my editor will let me leave this one in), and finally....

Show me the money instead

This is the best solution for everyone. Those who love the annual outing can spend their hard-earned cash bonus painting the town red, and those who want to stay at home can use it to buy a tin of emulsion to paint the back kitchen. Whatever floats your boat, this one works for everyone.

The best of luck to everyone heading out this year after being forced to stay indoors for the last two years. Just remember, as well, to get the following day off.