Brendan Courtney: I went into TV looking for attention and approval from strangers

If I had taken a different fork in the road I might have been a doctor... or a road sweeper

Brendan Courtney

I was born in Coolock, in North Dublin in the early 70s. I grew up with my two older sisters. My parents were very young when they got married and had us, they were in their 20s. Sadly, my two sisters on either side of me died. Ashley, my sister Deborah's twin, died at about a year and a half when I was still a baby. A year after I was born, Orla was born and she died at six months of congenital heart disease. My parents always talked about the girls. If we lost a toy, we were told to pray to the girls. Bizarrely, it was a very happy home despite the tragedy. My memory of childhood is just absolute happiness. My mother was a hairdresser and she always felt guilty about working Saturdays. Once a month, on a Monday, we would see her coming up the pathway to school and know what was about to happen. She'd lie to the teacher and say she had to take us out for a family emergency and then take us to the cinema because Monday was her day off.

I was 19 when I came out to my parents. At that time, it was still illegal to be gay in Ireland. My mam burst into tears when I told her. She said, 'you'll never have children and I said 'f**k I never thought about that — thanks!'.

Brendan Courtney with his mother Nuala

When I told my dad I was gay he said, "About what son?" That was his way of saying he couldn't give a shite. I was terrified of coming out but I knew they loved me unconditionally and I'd be ok. 

I think I became a TV presenter because I sought approval from strangers. I know from years of therapy that my parents, although they were amazing growing up, they weren't emotionally available as they worked so much. So, I went out into the world looking for attention, looking for approval. When I started, it was to show off, to be famous, get attention... all those silly things you think will bring you happiness.

My proudest achievement has been making stuff out of nothing. I've forged my own path, and I have always been very ambitious. When I said I wanted to be a TV presenter, people said I was mad — but two years later I had my own show. I said I wanted to be a fashion designer and four years later I had my own label. My entire career has been conceiving an idea, and then all of a sudden it's a TV show or a fashion label or a podcast and it earns me money.

Sonya Lennon and Brendan Courtney 

One of the most challenging moments in my life was a health scare I had back in 2012. I had an upper-body DVT, deep vein thrombosis, on my right arm. It appeared out of nowhere. I was doing Off The Rails at the time, I was really busy and we were doing a big live show in the RDS. I went to a dermatologist and she said 'what's wrong with your arm?' and I said, 'oh I just pulled it in the gym I think' and she was like 'no, you have deep vein thrombosis in your arm'.

I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. When the guy did the ultrasound on my arm, his face just dropped.. and after the clot, they also found lumps on my thyroid. I thought I'd sprained my arm — I was told I had a nine-inch blood clot under my arm leading to my heart and the lumps on my thyroid, were probably cancer. So that happened in two hours. It was the most shocking thing that's ever happened to me. I was sure I was dying. They managed to dissolve the clot and they did a partial thyroidectomy straightaway. The doctors were convinced that the clot had happened because of cancer.

I had to wait three days for the result of the thyroidectomy. For those three days, I was lying still waiting for the blood clot to dissipate and convinced I had cancer. I really got my priorities in place. It came back that I didn't have cancer, and they had no idea what caused the clot. It was a really challenging time, but also really awakening. I realised I wasn't afraid of death. I was sad, I had so much to do, I didn't want to go yet — but I wasn't afraid. 

Brendan Courtney and his partner Adam Maryniak. Picture: Andres Poveda

My greatest quality is that I am generous to a fault. People probably think I am too generous, but it's something I like about myself. The best thing I ever did was for my best friend Alan who dropped dead of an aneurysm in 2017. Around 2002, I got paid €10,000 for about five minutes' work for a crisp advert. Alan was a waiter and our two best friends had gone around the world for four months. We were so jealous. So I rang them and asked 'where are you going to be on Christmas Eve?'. They said Sydney. So I took the ten grand, went to Trailfinders and bought two business class tickets to Sydney. I rang Alan's mam to ask would she mind if I took him to Australia for Christmas. I rang his boss, got the all clear. 

We had a tradition where we would meet on Christmas Eve for a drink before he went to work. So we met in Café En Seine and he was getting ready to leave for work and I pushed the ticket across the table and said 'Happy Christmas'. He burst into tears. The next day we were on a plane. The funny thing is we flew business class but we slept on a couch for the whole trip! I probably should have saved that money and bought an apartment... but it's the best money I ever spent. We had the best holiday of our lives and we talked about it until the day he died. Now he's gone, but I have that memory.

If I had taken a different fork in the road, my parents' dream had come true and we'd money, I probably would have been a doctor. I feel very comfortable in hospitals. Over the years, I've often thought 'will I go back and study medicine?' But I've left it off.  But I also wanted to be a roadsweeper as a child. For my 50th, I got a four-wheel fluffy head Dyson.

Brendan Courtney is a TV presenter, fashion designer and podcaster. The new season of The Lennon Courtney Podcast with Brendan Courtney and Sonya Lennon is out now, available wherever you get your podcasts.