My children think at 68 I'm too old to be carrying on like some kind of sex-crazed cougar

Tell Tina: Ask Audrey's Mayfield cousin fills in on her agony aunt column

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

• Ask Audrey is on a break, recovering from a 'procedure'. Tina, Audrey's third cousin on her mother's side, is from Mayfield and is filling in while she's away. 
• When Audrey realised we'd found a relation of hers from the northside, she needed another week off. She will return on January 14.

Consternation in Costa this morning. Paula went up for her Caramel Cortado and when she came back down, wasn't the new member of the Model Farm Road (MFR) GAA Mas sitting in her seat! Her name's Yolanda, she's from Kerry, but still, she should have known better. The problem is Paula just got a top-up of the ole Botox, her visit to her dentist, as she calls it, and she'd overcompensated with the eyebrow pencil, it was fairly dramatic, I won't lie. 

With the mask on, it was impossible to tell how she felt about the seat snatch. Yolanda kept yapping away about the time she played county, oblivious to it all, and Paula there tapping her Golden Goose runners, trying not to spill coffee on them. Yolanda cocks an eye at her eventually and says: 'Jaysus, sorry Rupaula, is it your seat I'm in?' Neither of them can be proud of what happened next, but the upshot is we're all on a two-week ban and for a €425 trainer, the Golden Goose didn't last long against the head of a Killorglin woman. 

So, now we have to pick sides, do I stay loyal to Paula, or strike out with the Kerry woman, she's likely to be our star forward when training is back.

- Ciara (not my real name, Bishopstown is too small) 

A Killorglin woman called Yolanda and €425 for a pair of runners? It's all a bit unbelievable if you ask me, love. 

I'd say switch to Starbucks up in Blackpool, my brother's old doll saw Roy Keane in there Christmas Eve. If anyone can advise on loyalty, it's him. #SaipanNeverForget 

Tina, I've been having an affair with a gentleman considerably younger than I, and I'm having a ball - or two - ah hahaha, oh aren't I awful! The problem is my family don't approve. They think at 68 I'm too old to be carrying on like some kind of sex-crazed cougar. 

I told my daughters I was faithful to their father from the day I met him until the day he had a very unseemly heart attack on a Portuguese golf course. The fact that I'd just got a birdie only adds to the emotion of that day. 

Anyway, I told her, I said "Genevieve, I've had more orgasms in the last two months than I did in the 48 years with your father." That's right, I said orgasm, oh, I'm saucy and I like it! The thing is my lover is in his 30s and expects a full 18 holes, whereas I'm happy enough with a game of pitch and putt, if you catch my drift. How can I get him to speed things up in the bedroom?

- Jacqueline, I've got a hot tub.

Come here, girl, stay out of the Jacuzzi, you should be aiming to get rid of the wrinkles, not add more to the situation. I usually love old people, but you're the same age as my great-great nanny Annie and you're giving me the gawks a small bit. 

G'wan away and enjoy yourself, but be double-wide if your man starts talking about meeting a solicitor, where there's a will, there's a wang.

One of the mums in our online Yoga for Exceptional Babies group went to Lapland this year, and she won't shut up about it. The group is very exclusive, you have to get it under their belts before they're six months if you have any hope of making the Diva Dancing for Toddlers in 2022. 

Anyway, she keeps dropping it into the conversation in the most annoying way. I'll give you an example: My Eabha (it means mother of all living things) got a new romper suit in a stunning apple green - it's made of breathable, flexible, recycled cotton from Moldova, doing wonders for her child's pose btw - and Mona was straight in, 'Oh, that reminds me of the aurora borealis in Rovaniemi.' So now the conversation is all about the €27 hot chocolates and rubbing real reindeer instead of what we should have been talking about which is that romper suit cost €179.99 from Arnotts. 

I have two questions, Tina. 1) How can I subtly steer the conversation back to my Eabha? 2) Where's better than Rovaniemi so I can book it for next year?

- Eve (also means mother of all living things), Sunday's Well

You're a mother alright, girl, but the next part rhymes with ducker. You have to assert your dominance in these situations. I was at a street party there during the lockdown and someone's cousins from Silversprings rocked up, they're so far up their own arse, they could tickle their own tonsils, I'm not joking ya. 

Your one starts on about getting a tablecloth by Helen James in Dunnes and before she could finish her sentence I was straight in with 'I love your shacket, girl, me mam got the same one in Guiney's last week.' Considered? Me hole.