Bernard O'Shea: Achtung baby, I'm going to learn how to speak German in 2022

I've resolved to learn new skills over the years, including how to knit a jumper and juggle, but next year I'm going to actually success

Bernard O'Shea: Watch out 2022, or should I say Achtung 2022 because I'm going to bejaypers the hell out of the Deutsche Sprache.

I've decided that 2022 will be the year I learn valuable skills. When I told my wife about my new pedagogy plot, she recalled my previous self-improvement attempts. She reminded me that I have tried and failed to learn how to play the piano, juggle and knit a jumper. I proudly exclaimed last January they would be just some of my achievements in 2021. Also, to grow my vegetables, brew my beer and learn how to fly a plane (this was a pretty big and way too expensive a daydream). However, her personal favourite was, "Oh, you also said you would learn German."

I did take German in school for two weeks in 1st year but dropped out. The only thing I learned was how to count to 20 and that I was terrible at languages. I've always felt I could speak foreign languages, primarily because of the Eurovision Song Contest. Ireland just couldn't stop winning the Eurovision in the 80s and 90s. We took it for granted, and it's probably the only reason I can count to 12 in French. While playing Irish music in Germany, I worked out that the only phrases I would ever need were 'Ein Bier bitte' and 'Noch ein Bier, bitte' because most Germans have excellent English.

Lorna and I decided early on in our relationship, B.C. (Before Children), that we would go on a weekend break to Berlin. She is always on high alert when we go to different countries. I feel I have an ear for languages and can pick up words and meanings. In contrast, her opinion usually is, "Bernard, if you even try to speak their language, I'm leaving you here on your own." However, at that stage, we were early into our relationship.

When we landed back in Dublin after our break, we were waiting for a taxi. We were behind a group of German ladies that were on city break. I broke into a phrase I learned while waiting tables. "Guten Abend, meine Damen, ich nehme an, Sie sind in Ihrem Hennen–Abend. Ich will, dass du dich auf deinem besten Verhalten aufhältst." (Translation: "Good evening ladies, I assume you are on your hen night. I want you to be on your best behavior.")
They started laughing.

Lorna was very impressed. "I didn't know you could speak German."

I should have come clean and said it was the only German I knew but instead told her, "Yeah, I speak fairly OK German." She replied, "Why didn't you speak any over the weekend?"

That was an excellent point. Why didn't I speak any German while I was actually in Germany? "Ah, I just didn't want to make you feel left out of conversations, and I'm a bit rusty." Back then, she actually liked me, so she said, "Well, they seemed to know what you said, and it sounded great to me."

Bernard O'Shea

Everything would have been fine if one of the German women hadn't turned around and asked, "Wie lange dauert es, amen Taxi zu bekommen?"

All I understood was the word, 'taxi'. I panicked. So, I gambled. "Oh, zwanzig minuten."

There was a pause. I thought I would be found out. They just smiled and said, "Danke". I felt a flood of relief. It was like a reversal of the famous scene in 'The Great Escape' when the Germans catch out Richard Attenborough and Gordon Jackson while boarding a bus. The soldier says, "Good luck", and Gordon replies, "Thank you", thus giving the game away.

There were only two couples in front of them and I counted that there were six of them, so they would need a people carrier for six, or two taxis. I started thinking ahead just in case. I would need to know the German for 'two taxis'. That was simple: ‘zwei taxi’. I was stuck on people carrier, though. I knew 'Volk' was 'people' from 'Volkswagen', but what was 'carrier' in German?

If the worst came to the worst, I would just say 'Sechs Wagen'. Then I started to think that that sounded like 'sex wagon '. I started to pray. "Dear Jesus, don't make me say 'sex wagon' out loud in a taxi queue in Dublin Airport." 

Then one of them asked, "Ist es normalerweise so beschäftigt?" I knew she said 'normal' and the second–last word was 'so' something – I bet on 'busy' – but I hadn't a clue about the rest. So, I just went all out and said, "Ja" confidently. Again, it seemed to work.

I was fine until she replied, "Ist es teuer?" I knew she said, "Is it something?" so I went with "Ja" again.

And then my "good luck" moment happened. (Once again, you have to be familiar with The Great Escape to get this reference.) The girl said, "Können Sie per Kreditkarte bezahlen oder müssen Sie per Bargeld bezahlen?" Later I found out that this meant "Can you pay by credit card or does it have to be cash?" To which I replied, "Ja."

The game was up. The German ladies knew I couldn't speak German. Lorna knew I couldn't speak German. Everybody in the queue waiting for a taxi knew I couldn't speak German. Then to top it off, one of them turned to Lorna and asked in perfect English, 'Can you pay by credit card, or do they only take cash?' It's one thing being embarrassed and being able to leave, but I was stuck in my big stupid shame trap for the next 45 minutes. I could see them constantly giggling to themselves and looking back at me.

So watch out 2022, or should I say Achtung 2022 because I'm going to bejaypers the hell out of the Deutsche Sprache. I'll be counting in 2023 with "Zehn, neun, acht, sieben ...". I'll be wearing a jumper I've knitted myself. Playing Auld Lang Syne on the piano while eating a plate of my homegrown vegetables. Hopefully.