Bernard O'Shea has a new passion for dyeing his clothes

In his quest to become a sustainable fashion guru, Bernard has given his whole wardrobe a new lease of life.

Even though I was going to feel the wrath of a few Incredible Hulk jokes I now had four new shirts to wear." Photograph Moya Nolan

I find dyeing my clothes an almost rejuvenating experience. It’s like I’m recreating tiny fabric Frankensteins. Unlike upcycling furniture, upcycling your clothes doesn’t take too much effort or time. Just make sure you read the instructions or you could make your nearest and dearest contemplate divorce.

I’m only beginning to learn how to sew, a fact that most people I know think is preposterous. I'm 42 and I still can’t sew a button onto a shirt but I’ve taken to dyeing my clothes like a duck to stone washed denim. Although my first foray into becoming an amateur Dexter was a catastrophic failure.

Five years ago, while going through the press in the laundry room I found two tubs of green Dylon. If you're not familiar with Dylon, it's the make of a fabric dye that can come in containers like a large dosing ball. You just fling it into the washing machine and within an hour you become the new Karl Lagerfeld.

The one thing you have to remember if you machine wash and dye clothes is that you must rinse out the washing machine on an empty cycle afterwards. You also have to wash the dyed garments on their own too. There is a lot of water used but you balance it off with wearing an item of clothing a lot longer than you normally would have - contributing in a small way to cutting down on fast fashion.

I had cause for jubilation back then as a rogue red Paw Patrol sock had infiltrated a previous wash and had dyed all my white shirts pink so thought, “I know I’ll dye them green!” Of course, I didn’t read the instructions on the pack because as we all know it’s just powder and I’m an idiot so I chucked it all in. I washed them and waited. Hey presto them came out green. Even though I was going to feel the wrath of a few Incredible Hulk jokes I now had four new shirts to wear.

Straight away I was hit with dyeing fever. I raided my wife's Dylon collection and excitedly thought “What else can I dye?” An overwhelming cascade of joy dawned on me. “I should dye all my stained Ireland away jerseys green.” I had five jerseys that were nearing their end so I threw them into the tub and hey presto they came out green. I was delighted with myself.

While I was coming down the stairs I thought I’d help out Lorna and wash some of her clothes. I had finished my multi-coloured adventures, so I just threw her shirts and blouses in a wash at 40 degrees.

Later in the day I went to take her clothes out of the machine. They were all green. Everything. Her blouses, trousers even her socks were all green. I’d never experience panic like it before in my life.

I didn’t know what to do. Could I individually dye them all back to their original colour? I actually started to pray. I closed my eyes and for the first time in decades said: “Dear Lord. I’m after dyeing my wife's clothes green. Please when I open my eyes put them back to their original colour.” I opened my eyes and they had turned back to their original colour. Oh wait, no they hadn’t, they were still green because God was punishing me for not praying ever or because I didn’t know who the patron saint in charge of dyeing your wife's clothes was.

Again, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for dyeing my wife's clothes green. If you're reading this Lorna, can I just say that that green really suits you. Too soon? It was five years ago! And in fairness when you're swapping stories about the idiotic things partners have done you can say: “Well my partner dyed all my clothes green.” You will have top trumps if and whenever that unlikely scenario ever happens.

Fast forward five years and in the last few months of lockdown I have gone on a dyeing spree. I hunt down old garbs and rags that normally would have been sent to fashion purgatory. My amazon basket in the last few months has single-handedly propped up Dylon's share price and I rarely if ever change the colour I always buy “Olive Green.” In the last three months I’ve dyed a pair of chinos, two t-shirts, a shirt and a light wind cheater. (On a complete tangent the world’s biggest conundrum still is: Is it a wind cheater or wind sheeter?) You just have to make sure that you're going darker in the shade. For instance, if you have a dark blue t-shirt and want to dye it green it probably won’t work. You can buy a dye-stripper but that’s another level that I haven’t moved up to yet. That's for the pros.

The only negative I have experienced is that I look like a solider most of the time. Also, when you wear all green people will stop you in the Phoenix Park and ask you where the nearest toilets are, as they instantly think you're a park ranger.

You can reply with “sorry I don’t work here” and stroll on, or you can tell them that there are several located near The Zoo, two near the O.P.W office, one beside the Hole in the Wall Pub and eight located in Farmleigh House. That way you can continue your walk knowing that you’ve both helped out a growing family with their much-needed ablutions and you are contributing to being a sustainable fashion guru.