Ask Audrey: She’s hearing a lot of things about Bishopstown, and some of them don’t include ‘Wilton with hot-tubs’

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: She’s hearing a lot of things about Bishopstown, and some of them don’t include ‘Wilton with hot-tubs’

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It’s getting fidgety on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners with Half An Eye On a Move for 2021. 

Orla_MyTeslaLovesPolarBears said the new housing going into south Douglas has turned the place a bit Turners Cross and she is planning a move to Ballinlough even though the 14 year average of Kerry residents per 100,000 there is at an all time high.

Fifi_WeAreGoingSkiingSayNothing said she’s hearing a lot of things about Bishopstown, and some of them don’t include ‘Wilton with hot-tubs’ or ‘despair’. 

I said I had a nice dream about Ballincollig and was served with an automatic 7 day ban from the group (Ballincollig is a trigger word for Saundra_NotSandra – who knew?). That said, I’m starting to think the Douglas Road Stunners are a bit toxic and I might try Ballincollig in 2021. What’s your take? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road, but not for much longer.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, is Douglas finished? She said, absolutely, did you not hear about Dougxit – the Douglas Road is changing its name to Dublin 4. I said, and what are the people in Dublin 4 saying? She said, my Dod is a todal billionaire roight? #D4Langers

Hello old stock. It’s a long standing tradition in our house that Hoggy and myself disappear off down to Schull on St Stephens Day and try to get off with very open-minded women from Germany or Holland. (We sell it as a charity sailing trip to our wives, they’re a bit old-fashioned on the love and obey front.) 

Anyway this year I had what you could only describe as an epiphany, if you went to Pres and actually understood what the word epiphany means. I realise that my wife Marjorie is the best thing that ever happened to me, and not just because shouting ‘I was in Hamburg once, you have lovely eyes’ is a bit tricky this year because of social distancing. (You should have seen the look I got off her husband.) 

Anyway, I want to give Marjorie a present as a token of my love, without her thinking I’m guilty over something I didn’t do, for once. Any gift ideas? 

- Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I gave My Conor a new watch out of the blue yesterday. He said, have you been cheating on me with a 25 year old Italian again? No, but it’s my new year’s resolution and I always like to pay in advance. (We’re back in counselling.)

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I spent the Christmas with my new fella above in Bishopstown and things are still thickening up like Bisto. 

The only problem is that he’s getting a bit comfortable in our relationship and more than once in the past week I’ve had to say would you ever turn off that blasted Netflix and come up here and tie me to the bed in my Eileen Dunne outfit. (He has a thing for older newsreaders, didn’t he offer me half a farm in Ballineen if I changed my name to Anne Doyle.) 

Anyway, didn’t he tell me that he can hear wedding bells for us in 2021, I hope it isn’t his tinnitus acting up, I’m in love with the man, he’s ‘the one’ as they say on these movies you watch when you have a hangover. How can I keep the spark alive in the bedroom, tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My cousin is a sex expert. (She built her experience over three years in UCC, where she studied Commerce.) I said, what do you use to stop the saucy going out of a relationship? She said, the words ‘it’s over’. #BackonTinderBeeAtches

C’mere what’s the story with getting married in Spain in 2021? I’m going to pop the question to the old doll at midnight New Year’s Eve because her sister, who she hates, is getting married in Portugal in September, and she wants to steal her thunder with a blowout Spanish wedding in July. (It’s posher than Portugal apparently, it do be hard to keep tabs on these things.) 

Anyway, we’ve found the gaff and the band and everything, all I need now is someone to say that we’ll be allowed to travel, so I deflect the blame on to them if things go balls up, the old doll do have a short fuse. Can you say to me, here and now, that we can go to Alicante in July? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I told your story to my cousin the travel agent and said, would you recommend flying to Alicante in July? She said, no way, the plane will be full of Norries on their way to a wedding. (No offence.)

How’re oo going on? I saw there recently that Wayne Rooney’s wife and Jamie Vardy’s wife are going to put an end to their feud in the New Year. It got me thinking. So on behalf of the people of Dunmanway, I’d like to wish the people of Bandon a Happy New Year and maybe 2021 is the year we stop saying ye’re a bunch of tight-fisted ludramáns. Will you pass that on? Dan Paddy Andy, head west out of Dunmanway until you see a man in an I Love Bandon t-shirt.

I passed that on to my uncle in Bandon. You wouldn’t have liked his reply, but it was hilarious to see a 75 year old getting arrested for mooning next to a signpost for Dunmanway.

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