From smoking to a life abroad, these are the things we gave up for the sake of our children

From giving up work and sports, to quitting smoking and moving to another country, Arlene Harris meets parents who have made huge sacrifices for their children. It was worth all the effort, they say

Left: Aisling White and her family, husband Darren, and children Aoife, Erin, and Oisín. Right: Megan Roberts with her son Joel.

Life changes when you have children, and while parenting is undoubtedly the most rewarding role any of us will undertake, it can involve sacrifice.

This could mean giving up lie-ins and late nights for a few years, making do with less money, and turning down invitations because you don’t have a babysitter.

But it can also improve your life. Irish actor Colin Farrell told broadcaster Brendan O’Connor that his son, James, who has a rare condition, called Angelman syndrome, was the reason he quit alcohol.

When Farrell was in rehab doing the 12 step AA programme for alcoholism in 2005, it was the thought of his son James, born in 2003, that gave him the determination to keep going and kick the addiction.

“When I had my little homework folder, when I was doing my four-week rehab thing, I had pictures of James on the cover of the folder,” he said in the RTÉ Radio One interview. “People say, ‘You have to do it for yourself, you have to get sober for yourself’, if you go into rehab you might not care about yourself. That’s why a higher power, a plant, a child, or God, whatever it may be [is important].”

James, he needed me in a very practical way, in a way that children need their parents, of course, but it became clear to me very fast how much I need him.

Sarah Ryan understands this: She gave up smoking to ensure that her children “had healthier lives”.

“I smoked for years and really enjoyed it, as I associated it with going out and having fun,” says the Kildare mother. “I gave up for the duration of both of my pregnancies, but started again almost as soon as they were born — which, looking back, was pretty stupid — but it was my thing.

“There is only 18 months between my two children and when my eldest was four, I decided to quit smoking. My friend was over and the two of us were having a glass of wine and a cigarette in the kitchen, while the kids were watching TV in the next room. I looked at the two of them, fresh from the bath and dressed in their pyjamas, and I realised that it wasn’t right.”

Sarah recalls: “There they were, all innocent and baby-like, and suddenly smoking around them seemed really wrong.

I never actually smoked while they were beside me, unless it was outside, but I realised that it would always be on my clothes and it just seemed so dirty when they were clean and pure, so I decided, there and then, to give up.

The 46-year-old says she “went cold turkey” to kick her addiction, and while it was difficult at first, she had done it twice while pregnant, so she knew she could do it again. And she did, and that was nine years ago and she “hasn’t looked back since”.

Sarah says: “It was hard to just quit, particularly as two of my closest friends smoked, but I was determined. I didn’t look too far ahead and just took it day by day and, eventually, the cravings stopped and I realised I was a non-smoker.

“I remember the day my son told me that I ‘smell really nice’ and it made me a bit tearful. I had given up smoking so they could live in a healthier house and so I would be around longer for them, but I hadn’t thought about the fact that they now had a home and a mommy that didn’t smell of smoke.

“It was the best decision I have ever made.”

Aisling White and her family, husband Darren, and children Aoife, Erin, and Oisín. The couple made the decision to move back to Ireland from London to be closer to family

Aisling White also changed for the sake of her children: She and her husband, Darren, moved back to Ireland from London so their daughter, and subsequent children, would grow up around family.

Aisling, 35, says: “Every time we came home to Ireland to visit family, it reminded us how much we wanted Aoife to grow up around her grandparents and cousins.”

“We had been living in a two-bedroom flat, so the idea of having more space and a home where our family could grow started to feel really important.”

The mother of three — Aoife, 5, Erin, 2, and Oisín, seven months — says that their lives have been transformed since moving home, and she would encourage other parents to trust their instincts and, if the sacrifice or change feels right, then to “go for it”.

“There is no doubt in my mind that it was the right decision,” says PR consultant Aisling, who lives in Co Down.

“I get to do the school drop-off and pick-up, go to the Christmas plays, and the kids are surrounded by their family with a garden to run around in.

“At the same time, I’ve been able to build a career that I genuinely enjoy and feel challenged by,” adds Aisling.

“London gave us so much and we loved our time there, but Ireland is such a special place: The people, the culture, and the sense of community. It’s always where I imagined raising my family.

I’ve learned that trusting your gut, when it comes to what’s right for your family, is rarely the wrong decision.

James Walsh, 37, also understands how Colin Farrell was influenced by his son. James gave up a hobby because it was impacting too much on family life.

“I’ve always been in to sports and before we had kids, I used to run twice a week and swim three times weekly,” says the Dublin man. “I would train for triathlons and take part in swimming competitions and really enjoyed it.

“My wife is also very in to fitness and competing, but after our first child was born, I realised that we were no longer able to just decide to head out for a run, a cycle, or a swim, because someone had to look after the baby.”

James says: “In the beginning, I would take him with me if I was running, as we had a ‘jogging’ pram, so I would attach the strap to my wrist and it worked perfectly, but as he got older and was wanting more attention while we were out, there was always too much disruption to get a proper workout.

“I started going very early in the morning, either for a swim or a run, but even then it was hard, because if he was awake, I felt guilty going out.

So I made the decision to stop competing on a regular basis and only train for fun, as I felt that it wasn’t fair to devote so much time to training when we had a baby that needed looking after and he would only be small for a short amount of time.

“My wife also made the same decision, and, now, while we still train and take turns to get out, there isn’t the intensity of training for an event, so it makes things a bit easier.”

James admits of his sporting activity: “I do miss it, but we have another baby on the way, so there isn’t a chance I’ll be signing up for an Ironman any time soon.”

Megan Roberts also made a major life change for her child. She gave up a job in digital marketing and became self-employed when she set up her own SEO business, www.meganroberts.ie.

The 29-year-old, from Clare, realised that her son, Joel, who was born in 2022, needed her to be around and she wanted to “make the most of everything, because the days are long but the years are short”.

So Megan took a leap of faith, and says she knows when her son is an adult, he will look back and realise she did all she could and the “small moments mean everything’”.

“For me, it has absolutely been worth it,” Megan says. 

Becoming a parent really made me stop and think about the kind of life I wanted my son to grow up in. I didn’t want him to remember a mom who was constantly stressed, burnt out, and rushing through life.

“Working for myself and prioritising my health, by taking up aerial hoop training, has brought a lot more balance in to our lives.

“Our days feel calmer and I feel more present with him, and if I had my time again I would absolutely make the same choices.

“They haven’t just been beneficial for me, they’ve been beneficial for both of us.”

Megan adds: “My advice to others would be not to be afraid of making changes if something in your life isn’t working.

“Those small shifts can make a huge difference to your wellbeing and to your family life.

“At the end of the day, our children learn so much from watching how we live our own lives. If they see us taking care of ourselves, chasing things that bring us joy and building a life that feels right, then I think it is the best example we can set for them.”