Relationship between teacher and student is key to unlocking academic success
Students can learn to like a subject if the teacher is supportive and shows interest in them.
Children and teenagers are motivated more by positive relationships with their teachers than by algebra or formulas.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I have heard some version of this: "I hate maths… but I’ll do it for Miss Murphy." Or, "Science isn’t my thing, but Mr Burke is sound, so I try."
Teachers’ closeness to pupils as young as five is linked to socioeconomics, a new Economic and Social Research Institute (ESRI) report, drawing on data from the Growing Up in Ireland study, has found.
Teachers had the strongest connection with children from professional and managerial households, and the weakest with children from non-employed families. They also reported more conflict with children from non-professional backgrounds.
Three factors accounted for much of the difference: The child’s social and emotional behaviour; their preparedness for school (arriving tired, hungry, or late); and the teacher’s perception of parental interest in education.
New teachers exhibited fewer social-class differences than their more experienced counterparts. This finding likely reflects training, with a stronger emphasis on inclusion and disadvantage. It also underscores the impact of school culture. Professionals, like all of us, can internalise assumptions over time.
I see the downstream impact of those early relational experiences in my therapy room. I think of a 15-year-old boy who sat opposite me, hoodie up, eyes down. He had been labelled "lazy" and "disruptive". Yet there was one exception: He never missed English. He did the homework. He contributed in the class.
When I asked why, he said: “Sir actually listens. He doesn’t just think I’m a waster.”
That teacher became a protective factor. Not because he lowered expectations or ignored behaviour, but because he connected before he corrected.
Conversely, I have worked with teenagers whose disengagement began with a fractured relationship with a teacher. A young girl was laughed at by her teacher for mispronouncing a word in primary school. It may have been a fleeting moment for the teacher, but for her it became a defining memory.
By the time she was in secondary school, she described herself as "stupid". The academic struggles that followed were not about ability, but fear of humiliation.
Teachers do not intend to upset children. However, some children are very sensitive to tone, facial expression, or perceived favouritism. A sarcastic remark to a sensitive child can linger for years. Similarly, a single sentence of belief can positively influence a child’s path afterwards.
Sometimes, it comes down to ‘fit’. A child might struggle with one teacher, but thrive the following year with a different approach, while another child might experience the opposite.
I recall a third-year student who was contemplating dropping out, telling me about a woodwork teacher who kept him in school. “He told me I wasn’t thick. That I just learn differently.”
That sentence interrupted a narrative that had been forming since junior infants and helped him stay on to complete his Leaving Certificate.
The ESRI researchers also found children with higher levels of socio-emotional difficulty experienced more conflict with teachers.
In therapeutic terms, behaviour is rarely random. It reflects a regulated or dysregulated nervous system: It is a signpost to an underlying issue rather than the issue itself.
A child who arrives tired, hungry, or stressed does not start the day from a neutral point. Poverty and deprivation directly impact the ability to learn and to behave. From a teacher’s perspective, repeated lateness or inattentiveness may seem like indifference. But, from the child’s point of view, school might be the most stable part of their day.
There are many reasons why a child might struggle to arrive at school ‘prepared’. Their parents could be working multiple jobs, living in overcrowded housing, and facing financial stress. These pressures do not disappear at the school gate, so compassion is essential.
Another ESRI insight concerned teachers’ perception of parental apathy. Yet there are many reasons why a parent might seem disengaged.
I meet parents who are deeply concerned about their child’s education, but feel daunted by the school system. Their own past experiences might have been negative, so entering a school can bring back feelings of inadequacy. Additionally, when communication appears overly formal or filled with jargon, some parents withdraw, which can also be mistaken for lack of interest.
Children are also very aware of how we talk about teachers at home. They observe whether we handle conflict with curiosity or confrontation.
We spend years teaching children to revise and sit exams, yet much less time guiding them on managing relationships with authority figures. As parents, we share responsibility in this.
If a child feels misunderstood, our instinct may be to step in and resolve it. There are times when strong advocacy is necessary; schools are not perfect. But there is a difference between advocacy and antagonism.
Advocacy says: ‘Help me understand what’s happening and how we can support my child.’ Whereas, antagonism says: ‘You’re the problem.’
Children are closely watching which path we choose.
With teenage clients, I often rehearse conversations before they approach a teacher. Phrases such as: "I’m struggling to keep up. Is there anything I could do differently?"; "When that happened in class, I felt embarrassed. I’d like to try again." These are not scripts of submission; they are scripts of agency.
When parents model respectful challenge rather than hostility, children learn that relationships can withstand tension and that repair is possible.
School absences have risen since the pandemic, and each missed day can widen the relational gap between teacher and student.
I have worked with young people whose anxiety increased during lockdowns. Returning to school felt overwhelming. The longer they stayed absent, the more difficult re-engagement became.
In those situations, a flexible, relational response from a teacher often determined success. Small gestures, like a brief daily check-in, a quiet word of encouragement, and a simple acknowledgement that returning is difficult, made reintegration possible.
Again, the relationship was the bridge.
So, what can parents take from this?
Firstly, recognise the significance of the teacher-child relationship. Even if your child does not express it, it influences their motivation, confidence, and sense of identity.
Secondly, support regulation at home as best you can. Sleep, nutrition, routine, and emotional containment are not luxuries; they are essential educational supports.
Thirdly, foster constructive engagement with schools. If conflict occurs, ask for clarification before forming conclusions. Focus on solutions rather than assigning blame. Involve your child in age-appropriate ways to help them learn how to navigate challenges.
Finally, remind your child that effort is important. They may not have to love every subject, but they should show respect to the person teaching it.
A teacher’s belief can challenge a narrative of failure. Conversely, a teacher’s dismissal might reinforce it.
We cannot control every interaction our children have at school. But we can give them the skills to connect, advocate, and repair.
Sometimes, the most important lesson a child learns isn’t written on the board — it is felt in the space between them and the adult at the top of the room.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
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