Colman Noctor: Supporting your child during the limbo days between results and CAO offers
The days between Leaving Cert results and CAO offers are an exercise in patience for the parent and child. Picture: iStock
FEW days in a young person’s life feel longer than those between receiving state exam results and waiting for college offers. This year, it falls between August 22 and 27. It’s a limbo of sorts. One door has closed, but the next hasn’t opened yet. The results have been viewed online or picked up at school, the numbers have been digested, and the first wave of emotion has passed. Now begins the uneasy stretch before the CAO decides where many will spend the next few years of their lives.
For parents, too, these days can be a test of patience and perspective. Your teenager may swing between excitement, dread, relief, and panic, sometimes all within the same hour. You, in turn, may feel pressure to strike the perfect balance between supportive and calm, without smothering or minimising their worry. It’s not easy.
The first challenge is helping your teenager distinguish between achievement and identity. Many young people will subconsciously equate their grades with their worth or value. If they’ve done well, they may glow with a sense of validation. If they’ve done less well, shame can creep in. Parents can help by gently reframing this experience. Rather than saying, “You did well” or “You didn’t do well,” try, “Those results are a reflection of one set of exams, on one set of days, not of who you are.”
It’s worth reminding your child of the limitations of exams. An unlucky essay title, a head cold, or a misread question could have affected the outcome. This approach is not an attempt to excuse results, but it is helpful to contextualise them. Exams test recall under pressure, not intelligence, creativity, or kindness. Teens who are disappointed in their results and are feeling negative about themselves may need to hear this repeatedly before it sinks in.
Try to avoid the comparison trap. In the days following the release of results, an unspoken scoreboard often emerges. Teens ask one another what they got, parents whisper about other children’s point tallies, the queries from aunts and uncles come in, and the social media algorithm sends you every exam-related screenshot and the less-than-humble celebrations of others.
Parents can help by not fuelling gossip. Resist the temptation to mention “how so-and-so’s son got 600 points” at the dinner table. Encourage your child to focus on their own journey. One way of framing it is: “Other people’s results are theirs to manage. Our focus is on what you want to do next.”
If your child feels overshadowed by the achievements of others, validate their feelings and steer the conversation back to their own aspirations. Remind them that everyone is playing a long game. What feels like a head start for some students often evens out over the following few years.
Teenagers are wired for immediacy. In an on-demand world where answers come in seconds, five days of “not knowing” can feel unbearable. This is where parental calm can make a difference.
Avoid the constant speculation, such as “What if you don’t get your first choice?” or “Imagine if you get offered that course in Dublin.” While the instinct to discuss possibilities is natural, over-talking can heighten anxiety. Instead, model acceptance of uncertainty: “We’ll deal with whatever comes next when we know. Right now, we don’t have the full picture.”
Practical distractions help too. Encourage your child to maintain a routine, go for a run, meet friends, or binge-watch a series together. The aim is to prevent the “waiting” from becoming the main focus.
Disappointment is inevitable if your child didn’t get the results they’d hoped for. Keep in mind that dealing with disappointment is part of learning resilience. Allow them to feel upset without rushing to the silver linings. Sometimes, a quiet acknowledgement like, “I know this is really tough for you”, is more supportive than yet another pep talk.
Gently introduce perspective. Ask questions that shift focus to what’s still possible: “What courses are still on the table?” or “What would plan B look like?” You’re not denying their feelings, but you are slowly helping them move from grief to problem-solving. It's also helpful to discuss success in terms of a spectrum of options rather than absolutes. Too often, young people see getting their first choice as success and everything else as a failure. It's an unhelpful attitude and can lead to unnecessary stress.
Parents often feel more anxious than their children during these limbo days. You may be reliving your own memories of exams, or projecting fears about your future, not to mention trying to work out how you will pay for whatever option the CAO offers. While this is understandable, it is essential to manage these worries for the sake of your child. Teenagers are astute readers of body language, so try not to pace the kitchen muttering about “cut-offs” and “points inflation,” because they’ll absorb that stress.
Manage your own worries by talking to your partner or friends rather than your teenager. Remind yourself that, while these results matter, they don’t dictate lifelong success. As the annoying celebrity videos often remind us, many adults are thriving in careers that bear little relation to their original CAO choices.
Talk to your child about ‘The Sat Nav Principle’. Just because you miss a turn, your destination doesn’t have to change; only the route does. And sometimes detours offer better, more scenic experiences.
Your teen will take cues from your emotional tone. Remember, calmness is contagious.
Don’t spend the coming days predicting cut-offs or scrolling through online forums, as this creates noise rather than clarity.
Stick to family routines. A sense of structure reassures teenagers when everything feels uncertain.
Whether they’re elated, deflated, or anxious, acknowledge their feelings without judgment.
Bring conversations back to your child’s educational journey, not the neighbour’s points tally.
Suggest exercise, hobbies, or outings as a healthy distraction.
Manage your own anxiety privately, so you can be the steady anchor they need.
When the CAO offer arrives, there can be another wave of emotions such as relief, excitement, or even more disappointment. This is not the end of the story. For children who don’t get their top choice, reassure them that life is full of alternative routes - repeats, PLC courses, apprenticeships and course transfers.
For those who achieve their desired course, the happiness is often short-lived, as the next task comes into focus. Starting college is a big transition, exciting but also daunting. Success is not about getting into the course; it’s about sustaining motivation, building independence, and finding balance. Parents can continue to play a vital role by staying engaged while allowing autonomy.
It’s crucial to zoom out from the Leaving Cert points. The real transition happening here is not just from secondary school to college, but from adolescence into adulthood. This is a moment of identity-shaping. By supporting your child with empathy, calmness, and perspective, you’re equipping them with resilience, self-belief, and adaptability - skills far more important than any grade.
Results day and CAO offers are significant. But they are not a young person’s destiny. The years ahead will bring other milestones, hurdles, and victories. What your child will remember most is not the points or the offer, but how they were supported through it. Were they made to feel ashamed or proud? Did they sense pressure or trust? Did their parents show panic or perspective?
The days between results and offers are an exercise in patience for parent and child. It’s a space full of anticipation, speculation, and sometimes dread. But it is also a valuable opportunity to model how to manage uncertainty, cope with disappointment, and hold hope for the future.
Steady your own nerves, resist the comparison game, and remind your child that this is just one step on a long journey. You’ll be giving them a gift that goes beyond exams: The confidence that, whatever happens, they will get through it because they are enough.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist
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