What are the signs of loneliness in children and what should you do if your child is lonely?

Some children enjoy spending time on their own, but what do you do when your child is lonely and is unable to connect with their peers?

There’s a difference between loneliness and being alone.

It can be hard to determine if your child or teen is lonely. Defining what ‘lonely’ means is an important first step.

“There’s a difference between loneliness and being alone. You can be really content and happy in your aloneness, but you could be in Croke Park with 80,000 people and be lonely,” says Linda Breathnach, counsellor and psychotherapist accredited with the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.iacp.ie/).

Breathnach has four children, aged between 10 and 20. She recalls a parent-teacher meeting where a teacher noted that one of the children “was on their own from time to time — the teachers were keeping an eye, but the child [seemed] content in themselves”.

Loneliness, says Breathnach, is when we perceive a gap between our desire for social connection and our experience of it. “A child might [even] have friendships, but there could be issues in the relationships, where the child feels excluded, alienated, isolated, sad, or bored. The sense of distress and discomfort which comes from that can be experienced as loneliness.”

Child and adolescent psychologist Sarah Cassidy is president-elect of The Psychological Society of Ireland (https://www.psychologicalsociety.ie/). She also defines loneliness as a gap between what somebody needs or expects from their social world and what is happening for them.

Cassidy says: “These gaps are OK sometimes — they can motivate a child or adolescent to seek more authentic connections — however, gaps happening for long periods of time could lead to significant mental-health difficulties.”

Everybody has different levels of need for human connection. “Parents sometimes worry when they see a child spending more time by themselves,” Cassidy says. “It doesn’t necessarily mean the child is lonely — people have different social batteries. Some people need a lot more human connection to recharge their batteries. Others may feel overwhelmed by too much time in social settings. It can be confusing for parents, because there’s no exact marker — some children like and need more solitary play.”

That being said, humans are inherently social creatures and — regardless of the amount of social engagement needed to top up our batteries — we all need to access human connection. “People need other people. If this need is unfulfilled, it can lead to quite a few serious consequences.”

The puberty effect

Dr Sarah Cassidy, president elect of The Psychological Society of Ireland 

Cassidy says there can be dramatic changes in the way children engage socially with each other, particularly in upper primary school classes, as they move at different rates along their developmental trajectory. “So many physical and emotional changes happen, which continue until they’re as old as 24, but a peak time is when puberty kicks in, a period of intense hormonal flux.”

This happens at different times for different children. “Some children in sixth class will have really hit the hormones; others won’t hit these developmental peaks for another three years. So somebody more developed might communicate differently, have different interests, be moving in to more mature spaces that match their physical development, in contrast with someone who’s still at a younger stage and that child might feel very left behind.”

Breathnach says parents are often big drivers in the friendships that younger children form. “With my own children, I saw a lot of the earlier friendships were either with cousins or with the children of parents’ friends — it depends on who your parents give you access to.” But older children — upper primary in to secondary — are becoming more self-aware. “They start noticing differences and similarities with their peers. They’re creating their own sense of identity, which might be different to what their friendships were founded on in earlier years. Suddenly, they’re 11 and in to sport and they notice the pal they sat beside in junior school is in to ballet, and they realise they don’t have as much in common and can’t connect in the same way.”

While some red flags could signal your child is lonely, Breathnach urges caution. “There could be something else going on — you may need to rule out other reasons.”

She cites the following as potential signs of loneliness:

• Being more withdrawn, less chatty, or clingier than usual;
• Less interest in engaging in activities;
• Tearfulness, low self-esteem, such as putting themselves down;
• Avoiding friends;
• Nobody seems to be there for them; they have no support.

Cassidy says a sudden difference in how your child is engaging with other children could indicate loneliness. “Especially if this sudden change appears to be not chosen by your child. Sometimes, a child pulls away from a group because it no longer meets their needs, it’s not a fit for how they want to be in the world. Pulling away for that reason is a healthy thing.

“But look out for [behaviours like] not reaching out for friends at all, or in different ways than before, or even reaching out too much, in ways not typical for your child.”

Summer holidays can be a flashpoint for parental concern. But Cassidy says your child might need a break from school; from the demands of all the activities; the busyness of the school year. However, she says school provides many opportunities for children to connect with peers. “Once school’s out, they may not naturally have those opportunities. If your child plays sports or is involved in other activities, these might continue across the summer. But, if not, it’s no harm finding some summer activities they might want to try.”

Breathnach highlights other holiday factors that can disrupt a child’s connections, such as working parents sending children to stay with grandparents who live far from the child’s usual friends, or a best friend going on holiday for several weeks. “When routine changes, the connection with friends can be challenged.”

How to help your child

Linda Breathnach. Picture: Marcela Hernou

If you sense your child is lonely, what can you do?

Breathnach recommends:

• Check in with yourself. What is your experience of loneliness? What expectations has it left you with? “You might be at risk of making assumptions. If you’ve had an uncomfortable experience, you might assume your child’s experience is the same, which isn’t necessarily true.”
• Have the conversation. Approach with openness — you don’t have to have answers. Listen to them. “The best conversations happen when side by side rather than face to face. Approach with gentleness and trust — make it less about trying to get reassurance for yourself.”
• Keep a balance between hearing and validating their feelings and colluding with spiralling thoughts. “Your child might be feeling alienated, excluded. Normalise the emotion. But just because they feel left out doesn’t mean they are.
• Share encouraging, hopeful anecdotes from your own life — ‘When I was 12, I felt left out. Later, I discovered it was all about something else, now we’re best friends’.
• Check in with your child about their interests — these may have changed. Encourage involvement in what interests them.
• Encourage your child to spend time with people who are good for them to have around.

Cassidy urges parents to stay connected to their child:

Signal your availability. “They may not want to talk — you’re not demanding they do. Instead, say, ‘Hey, I’m watching this film, do you want to come join me?’

Ask your child what they would like to do during the holidays. “Act as a scaffold. Children go from parents organising every social activity for them in primary school to parents organising nothing in secondary school.

“If your child’s keen to hang out with a particular friend who lives far away, act as a bridge — ring the other parent — facilitate their meeting.”

Breathnach says it is difficult seeing your child go through painful experiences. “But adversity adds to us, as well as what it takes away.”

Cassidy’s headline advice is: “Let your child know regularly you are there for them.”

• Check out HSE Health and Wellbeing Podcast ‘Little People, Big Feelings: Helping Kids Manage Emotions’ — airs on June 4