Colman Noctor: Smartphones disconnect parents from their children

Smart technology can seriously undermine your relationship with your child 

Photo of adorable cheerful girl toothy smile hold use telephone newyear magic atmosphere house indoors.

Most of us have heard the well-worn phrase that a puppy is for life, not just for Christmas. The same could be said about getting a smart device. While the benefits of instantaneously connecting with people and accessing almost any information are undeniable, the sacrifice of our attention is rarely spoken about. 

Much like walking a dog or picking up its poo, or arranging backup care, it doesn’t seem like a big deal when you’re imagining what is involved. However, the reality is quite different. Similarly, if you are considering introducing a new smart device for your children this Christmas, I would urge you to consider the potential long-term costs. 

I understand the pressures many parents are under to buy these devices for their children, but you should be fully informed that this will come at a tremendous cost to your child and their relationship with you.

I don’t believe that is a histrionic statement — it’s simply a harsh reality of smart device ownership. I have seen this clearly in the case of two of my children and have heard it said by almost every parent I have spoken to about smart devices.

Much of the debate around smartphones and smart devices involves examples of cyberbullying, grooming, access to pornography, and unsuitable content. If you were in the process of deciding to buy your 12-year-old a smartphone based on the probability of these things happening, the odds might be relatively low, making the purchase a risk worth taking. However, the unspoken cost of smartphone ownership on your child’s attention and relationship with you are other crucial considerations.

When you hand a child a smart device, a huge proportion of their attention is surrendered to it. 

Colman Noctor: "The child who previously passed the time by kicking a ball outside, drawing at the kitchen table or reading a book will, in many cases, surrender these activities for time on their device." Picture: iStock.

Whether it’s personalised ad campaigns for products the algorithm has worked out for them, hundreds of YouTube videos sophisticatedly designed to align with their interests or the 50 Snapchat streaks they need to maintain daily, the smart device will hijack considerable time and attention.

The child who previously passed the time by kicking a ball outside, drawing at the kitchen table or reading a book will, in many cases, surrender these activities for time on their device. Often, opportunities for personal interactions that naturally arise will no longer be taken up. We only have to look at how this happens in our adult lives. Previously, if you were in a waiting room with others, in many cases, an exchange about the weather or length of the queue served as a catalyst for conversation and connection. If we were to find ourselves in a waiting room now, most of us would forgo the opportunity to connect and instead go on our phones to watch short, entertaining video clips or look up some websites to buy those new trainers we saw advertised the day before.

In families, the connections lost due to the allure of the smart device are much more significant than a friendly exchange in a waiting room- they are the building blocks for a relationship crucial to the parent and the child.

Series of interactions

An open and trusting relationship between a parent and child is not developed over one conversation; it is built over a series of interactions over the years. Love and trust are earned and investments that evolve. The distraction of the smart device and handing over our attention to the sugary highs of online content diminishes the opportunities for these relationships to be created.

When a smart device enters a family home, we must compete with it for our children’s attention. Whether it’s going for a drive on a Sunday or doing something together, the child will inevitably weigh up whether the offer is more alluring than their constantly pinging device. 

The effortless nature of staying home in their room or on the couch and scrolling and swiping on their smartphone is often the preferred option. 

I’ve dedicated the last 14 years to understanding the impact of technology on children, and I have been powerless to stop this from happening to my children. The introduction of the smart device into their lives has significantly impacted my capacity to maintain my relationship with them both. 

My daughter (12), who previously would take out her Lego set and play for hours on the floor of the sitting room, no longer has any interest in the building blocks. My son (14), who previously would have been pestering me to go outside and play basketball with him, has not asked me in ages. Instead, they dedicate their time to their devices, which greatly saddens me.

Colman Noctor: "I don’t judge parents who have buckled under the pressure to buy their children smartphones." Picture: iStock.

Some may argue that this is a natural part of them growing older, and while I accept that, I have no doubt the introduction of the smartphone has accelerated the teenage process. Children are expected to pull away from their parents at these ages, but the smart device has created a withdrawal that happens earlier and, in many ways, is more distant.

Despite trying to stick to my advice about regulating the time they are allowed their devices and keeping a close eye on the content they consume, my management of their exposure to content hasn’t been perfect. 

And I don’t judge parents who have buckled under the pressure to buy their children smartphones because the numbers are so significant that many of us are left with the dilemma of holding our position and, consequently, having our children be social media outcasts. I am upset that I have been put in that position and have resigned myself to the fact that I must work with that reality.

I have my work cut out for me. I recognise that I must make an extra effort to protect the connection I have with my children. I am competing with a device with far more resources than I do to hold their attention. It has also made the task of parenting so much more complex and demanded much more of my time. Having to repeatedly come up with activities to tempt my children off their devices and keeping a check on how much time they spend on screens over a day is a challenge. Remembering to check in with them regularly about their online experiences and trying to keep up to speed on new games they want to download and play is a full-time commitment.

Be prepared for the work

Like the warnings about getting a puppy for Christmas, giving a smartphone to your child is a life-changing decision that involves work, forethought and sacrifices.

If you are introducing a smart device into your child’s life this Christmas, be prepared for the work that this decision entails. It is not only about the risks of them being cyberbullied or watching pornography; it is also about the potential distance that could be created between you and your child and the loss of their previously enjoyed activities. 

A new smart device is the beginning of a process of their connection with the online world and their disconnection from you.

To maintain a connection with them, prioritise phone-free spaces in the home. Whether that’s no phones at mealtimes, during movie night on Saturday or at family events, these rules will help to preserve your connection. 

Start tight when it comes to their access to the phone — it is much easier to widen as you go than trying to pull it back when it has been established. Most importantly, be aware that, like a puppy, buying a smartphone is only the starting point of the work required to teach your child to have a healthy relationship with technology.

Be mindful of when your relationship is becoming more distant, and be proactive in preserving it. Maintaining a connection with your child and having a relationship that makes you approachable and trustworthy is essential for good enough parenting. 

With the migration of young people into the online world, strong relationships and regular conversations with our children have never been needed more. In the perfect storm of distraction, try to keep your attention on connecting with your child. It might be the best investment of time you will ever make.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist