Why talking to teens about pornography is essential
Pornography is one of the hardest topics for parents and guardians to deal with, according to Sarah Sproule, an occupational therapist and sex educator
Twelve is the average age children are exposed to pornography either intentionally or accidentally, according to research conducted by Common Sense Media.
With some as young as 10 gaining access to content that will impact their views on sex and sexual relationships, and less than half of those represented in the research discussing what they see with a trusted adult, parents and caregivers are understandably concerned about their children's access to pornography which can reinforce unrealistic and dangerous representations.
"As parents, caregivers, and educators, we need to do a lot more in terms of conversations we're having at home and in the classroom about things like consent, boundaries, body expectations, and what a healthy relationship does and doesn't look like," says Alex Cooney, CEO CyberSafeKids.
Like any parent of a teenager or pre-teen who has access to the internet through their smartphone, Fiona, a mum of three, worries about her children accessing inappropriate content and has had the unwelcome experience of finding explicit content on her child's device.
"Free-to-view videos are so easily available, and I guess tempting for young developing [children] who are starting to experience hormonal surges, perhaps urges, and most definitely, curiosity regarding sex and pleasure," says Fiona, who does spot checks on her children's devices and ensures open conversation.
Unsolicited messages found on her teenage son's phone offered images, videos, and sexual services in turn for payment via Revolut. "This is effectively prostitution," says Fiona. "And these targeted messages come in via stories that disappear after 24 hours. Unless you have a mirror of your child's phone, it seems impossible to police."
Fiona says it's unrealistic to remove her son's smartphone and believes education is the best way to protect him. "The hope is that if he sees something explicit or extreme in nature, he will know this is not normal and not to be repeated in the real world," she says.
Cooney wants tech companies to put more onus on protecting younger users from harmful content. "Weak age checks such as self-declaration of age, online payment methods which don't require a person to be 18, and general terms, disclaimers, and warnings are not enough to deter children from accessing or being led to explicit content," she says.
Progress in recent years includes passing the Harassment, Harmful Communications and Related Offences Act (2021) and The Online Safety Media Regulations Act (2022). "Coco's Law, as it's more commonly known, made it an offence to share intimate images online and also deals with serious online bullying and harassment cases online," says Cooney.
While these are positive steps, Cooney says it remains to be seen how robust the level of accountability and enforcement will be.
Sarah Sproule, an occupational therapist and sex educator, understands that pornography is one of the hardest topics for parents and guardians to deal with. However, conversations are imperative, she says: "Their voices are louder, opinions stronger, and they don't care what we think, but they still need support from a trusted adult."
If you know your teen is watching porn or other inappropriate material and assuming you've done all you can to block porn sites on your home wi-fi network and devices, Sproule suggests a parent first considers their fears about their teen looking at porn.
"Write down all the fears that come into your head so that your panic doesn't drive your conversation with your teen," she says. "Based on my experience, there has not been a single episode of excellent parenting based on panic."
She recommends acknowledging "to yourself and your teen that seeing erotic content can be exciting for some people and sometimes can be used as a way to learn more about sex."
It's essential to add, she says, that "it can be harmful to growing young people because it reinforces gender stereotypes, body image worries, and doesn't show all the consent that goes into physical intimacy."
Sproule suggests using the recommendations in Dr Karen Rayne's book to shift the focus from giving information to asking thoughtful questions that build connection. Her other book recommendations include and by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan.
Cooney believes a significant update to the school curriculum is necessary to ensure online safety and digital literacy are core topics in the Irish education system.
"In primary school, we are currently working with a 25-year-old Media Literacy curriculum," she says.
"Think of what has changed in that period of change in terms of both the landscape and children's level of access. We also need to support parents better so that they feel confident about parenting their children online. This is why CyberSafeKids run the 'SameRulesApply' campaign and produce support resources."
See: cybersafekids.ie
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