Consistency, empathy, and setting an example: The top ten ways to raise a happy and healthy child
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Parenting is tough. But developing some essential skills can make it easier. Here, three experts share their 10 key parenting skills.
Kindness is central, says psychotherapist Bethan O’Riordan. “Parents want children to be well-behaved, to do the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. That happens when a parent offers kindness to a child about the parts of life we all find difficult.
“When a child is angry or upset, parents can show understanding that nobody means to be bold, we’re all learning how to be and that involves making mistakes.
“Family is the training ground for life. How you want your child to behave with the practical parts of life will be what you demonstrate. Honesty is important.
"Take for example phones: be real with children about your own struggles: ‘phones can be addictive – we can all get lost in scrolling when we don’t mean to’. Have family ‘guides’: keep phone downstairs at night, put away at certain times – parents should follow these too.”
Helpful tip: “Think about what kind of child you want to raise. How does that motivate your own behaviour for change? This is easier when we slow life down – going a million miles an hour, we’re just getting through, we can’t see what we’re doing .”
“Boundaries mustn’t be about control, but about keeping people safe,” says O’Riordan.
“Teaching a toddler road safety, say ‘holding hands crossing the road keeps us safe’, rather than ‘cars are dangerous – you could get knocked down’. When a boundary is about safety, it creates a different family tone.
“Boundaries help children problem-solve. They don’t have life experience or brain capacity to manage lots of situations. But as they get older, inside they can feel whether something is right – get them to tune into what feels OK and what doesn’t.
“With bedtimes, say ‘we all need a certain amount of sleep to feel good. I know you want to watch more TV, but you have to look after yourself too – it feels better to be rested, to have more energy than be tired and cranky.”
Helpful tip: “Don’t fear the emotional fallout of saying ‘no’. It’s important children learn to not like decisions other people make. Isn’t that life? I don’t like taxes.”
Be consistent with your love for your child – so their behaviour isn’t conditioned to how much you love or care for them. It’s not that you tolerate any old behaviour, it’s ‘we’re here consistently to help you work through it’,” says O’Riordan.
“Accept your child for who they are. It helps if parents can accept that we have parts of ourselves we could fix, change or adapt.”
Helpful tip: “Really see what your child’s contributing, the amazing impact they’re having.”
Self-regulation is the capacity to monitor yourself, to understand, for example, why you are getting annoyed or stressed and to manage your emotional responses, explains Jillian Doyle, clinical psychologist and member of the Psychological Society of Ireland.
“Infants/small children don’t have self-regulation skills. A parent has to do it for them until the child is able. It’s about noticing your own internal responses – but also what’s happening with your child.
“Then label what’s going on, for you and your child: ‘I’m feeling stressed’ – ‘I see you’re feeling really sad/angry’. Next, you calm things – by breathing/movement/self-soothing. Slowing breath down is the top self-regulation tool, or do it through grounding – use your environment to feel present: press yourself up against something cold. I take my shoes off, touch a wooden floor, or feel the grass underfoot.
“For a child, stroke their hair or rub their back. Teach them grounding tools.”
Helpful tip: “Set an intention – I want to get better at this. Notice times you’re not regulated. Where am I when this happens? What in my environment can I use to help myself?”
“I like psychologist Paul Gilbert’s definition: ‘the capacity to engage with the suffering of self and others, and the commitment to do something about it’,” says Doyle. “The first part is paying attention, tuning in. As a parent, rather than straightaway jumping into action, take a moment to notice what need my child is expressing – and step into their shoes.
“The second part is problem-solving with or for your child to help them get their needs met. Sometimes children have lots of big feelings and don’t know what’s going on. Say: ‘I know it’s hard. I’m with you. I’m going to help you get through this’. Put into action: ‘Let’s try this’.”
Helpful tip: “Sometimes we fail. We’re not sensitively attuned to our child. This is understandable. What’s important is repair. If we act in a mis-attuned way, recognise it, say: ‘I’m sorry I got that wrong’.”
“I run with a friend. I love when my children say, ‘Mummy’s going for her run’ – they realise having interests and friends is good. It’s great for children to see their parent as a person,” says Doyle.
“Becoming a parent involves giving up a lot. It’s OK to carve out time for yourself. It helps self-regulation. If you’re having a hard time parenting, it gives you release – you come back to parenting replenished.
“It gives perspective, connects you to who you are besides being a parent. It helps self-esteem. All your self-worth isn’t tied up in being a parent. It can be easy to blame yourself if your child’s having a hard time. But going for a weekly walk with a friend brings some air into the situation.”
Helpful tip: “Resume something you enjoyed before becoming a parent – movies, reading. Pick up a new interest. Maybe you’ve made friends through parenting, for example, at a child’s [sporting] event – set up a five-a-side team.”
Doyle points to psychiatrist Viktor Frankl’s words: ‘Between stimulus and response, there’s a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’
“Mindful parenting,” says Doyle, “is slowing yourself down so you’re less reactive with your child. This helps you regain a sense of calm and control. Mindfulness allows for curiosity – as a parent, you don’t necessarily need the answers.”
Helpful tip: “Practice daily, even for five minutes. Focus on your breath, or on doing a daily activity mindfully, for example, brushing teeth or washing hands.”
Senior clinical paediatric psychologist Dr Claire Crowe refers to research from psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott (he coined the term ‘good enough parent’). Crowe says: “His research showed: to have happy healthy children, parents only needed to give sensitive care… 30% of the time. Anything after that’s a welcome bonus.
“Good enough parenting means you can guard your child’s wellbeing without compromising your own. It means you can tell your child: ‘I’ll play with you as soon as I’ve finished my coffee’. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you immediately less responsive – but in that you can foster independence and small tolerance of difficult emotions, for example, feeling frustrated.”
Helpful tip: “We don’t need to parent perfectly – no one’s doing it, no matter [external appearances]. When you try and fail – you inevitably will – take time to learn the lesson and share the lesson with your kids.”
“Unconditional positive regard,” happens when parents make an effort to understand and love their child, says Crowe. “This tells children you value who they are. They aren’t designed to be mini-versions of us or to fulfil goals we didn’t accomplish.”
Helpful tip: “You can accept your child as they are – even if they’re currently in crisis – and at the same time hold in mind they’ve much to offer the world.”
“Be specific,” says Crowe, “say ‘that’s really nice, sharing your toy with your sister’, rather than saying ‘good girl’. When we’re specific in praise the child learns what behaviour we want to see more of – and feels delighted about their accomplishment.”
Helpful tip: “Branch out to include all household members. Letting children see or hear you being positive and encouraging with one another as parents helps establish this secure base of attachment.”
- Bethan O’Riordan’s self-care planner (€20) guides readers on ways to cultivate a kind mind and balanced life. See: bethanoriordan.com
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