Julie Jay: Too consumed by pregnancy worries to notice Joe Biden’s visit

This week I have been more consumed by parenting TikToks than tracking POTUS like a Pokémon

US President Joe Biden arrives at Ireland West Airport Knock, in County Mayo, on the last day of his visit to the island of Ireland. Picture date: Friday April 14, 2023.

This week I have been so consumed by pre-natal worries and questions that I have barely noticed the arrival of US President Joe Biden, to such an extent that when a friend referenced his visit I momentarily had no idea who or what she was talking about.

Much like Andie MacDowell’s character in that Four Weddings scene with Hugh Grant — it was a case of ‘is it raining, I hadn’t noticed?’ as my friend talked about the week’s current affairs. I realised while she spoke about security breaches and mixing up the All Blacks with The Black and Tans, how utterly oblivious I have become to anything that isn’t parenting- or pregnancy-related.

Hugh Grant and Andie Macdowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral

The pregnancy insomnia has once again well and truly kicked in, but now at least I have some company: the baby kicks and does cartwheels and comes alive at midnight, and it’s part of the reason I don’t mind staying awake into the wee hours, because each little movement gives me the sceitimíní. It is now that it is all starting to feel real.

Parenting TikTok has become both my best companion and also a bit of a frenemy as I sip my herbal tea at some unearthly hour, promising myself to at least attempt to go to bed after the next scroll.

I watch easy chicken dinner recipes and endless clips of Judge Judy (whenever the plaintiff says ‘I met him on Friday and lent him the money on Monday,’ I duck for cover — knowing the ruling will not be kind).

But really it is the parenting accounts that are keeping me occupied these days — mainly the brutally honest ones, where mothers talk about how the leap to parenthood impacted their marriage irrevocably, how they feel lost as a mother, how it all went a bit awry once it suddenly went
from one to two on two... a minuscule minority of these mothers even confessing to regretting having children at all.

A recent account I stumbled upon showed a mother sharing a reel of herself talking about having become a mother many years before. She said if she could turn back the clock, she’s not sure she would do it again. The text told us her child had become a convicted felon, which, to be fair given this is America, could cover anything from being a serial jaywalker to a serial killer. Still, the video disturbed me, and on I scrolled to something a little less jarring to the subconscious. I find myself only able to digest these ‘keeping it real’ videos for so long before I go back to the comfort of Judge Judy berating a young woman for breaking her lease and leaving her roommates stiffed for a new mattress.

Comedian Julie Jay, from Brandon, West Kerry pictured at her home.

Not all of these parenting accounts are of this heavy vein of course: some families do coordinated dances and wear matching pyjamas and talk about wanting a whole football team of smallies. As a pregnant insomniac, I can honestly say I need a bit of both. I am quite á la carte when it comes to the levels of honesty I want from my online parents: sometimes I want Dr Phil levels of dysfunction, and other times I want wholesome reels of Mid-West mothers taking their matching triplets to church.

Of course, for all these videos, it is the comments section that really interests me. I have come to accept that putting yourself out there on social media really is making a deal with the devil, and you have no control over what comes back at you. Still, it can be hard to reconcile that the crueller comments come from real people, who are happy to hurl them at influencers they have never met.

Some mothers are praised for their honesty, while others are chastised. ‘Be grateful!’ they say. ‘Children are a blessing!’ they remind us. And they are right, but so are the mammies who are struggling — and one doesn’t negate the other.

A couple of weeks ago a well-known media personality shared an interview she had done where she talked about just how hard it is when your kids are sick and you’re trying to keep
the show on the road.

Specifically, what she shared were screenshots of the comments section on the article, which were relentlessly negative. Dripping in sarcasm, people ripped her piece to shreds. They spoke about money, and nannies, and privilege — but even if the mother had all of these things, and we have no indication that she does — isn’t she allowed to struggle too sometimes?

For me, what resonated was the bit where she is saying ‘wow, this is hard, isn’t it?’ I wish we would allow ourselves more space to say that, and not feel we have to qualify it with an apology.

To be a mammy is ultimately to be a million things at once. At any given time we can feel lucky and also overwhelmed, and both of these things can be equally true, and we don’t need Judge Judy to tell us that one.