Colman Noctor: Porn is now the first sex educator for children

Porn reduces sex to acts and mechanics, omitting connection, consent, and affection

Before children are given smartphones they should be told about sex and the pornography industry. Picture: iStock

ASK parents what age children first encounter pornography and you’ll hear: ‘Around 16 or 17.’ Actually, exposure occurs much earlier, in early adolescence and sometimes before puberty and before the child has developed a genuine interest in sex. 

It isn’t usually because they seek it out. More often, it’s because the algorithm-driven online world is indifferent to age, readiness, or emotional development.

Pornography is one of the most influential and unregulated sources of sexual information for young people. It acts as their first sex-education ‘teacher’, long before parents, teachers, or real-life relationships can offer an alternative perspective.

Curiosity about sex is natural and healthy. It’s part of normal development. The issue here is that the material shaping young people’s understanding of sex is adult-focused, unrealistic, and often disconnected from intimacy, consent, respect, and emotional connection.

What was once available in top-shelf magazines or on grainy late-night television channels has transformed into an endless flow of highly explicit, algorithmically tailored material that is easily accessible online.

Young people today are not merely witnessing nudity; they are exposed to stylised, performance-focused sex portrayed as normal. 

During adolescence, when the brain is wiring rapidly, these images and narratives can significantly influence how young people perceive their bodies, desires, relationships, and identity. The expectations formed during these years often persist into adulthood.

The emotional impact of early exposure to pornography is overlooked. Many parents assume porn leads to hypersexual behaviour. However, from what young people tell me in the therapy room, it’s quite the opposite: They are experiencing increased anxiety about sex and intimacy and a fear of what becoming sexually active will entail.

Pornography can be a harsh benchmark by which teenagers judge themselves, often unfavourably. They compare their bodies, attractiveness, and imagined sexual performance to adult actors whose role is to look flawless and always enthusiastic.

For adolescents already dealing with self-consciousness, this comparison can amplify insecurity.

Boys may feel pressure to perform, dominate, or initiate in ways that seem unnatural. Girls may feel expected to be constantly willing, pleasing, or tolerant of behaviour that does not align with healthy intimacy. Even when young people consciously know pornography is unrealistic, repeated exposure can subtly influence their beliefs about what is expected of them.

Porn’s sinister influence

Recent data challenges any remaining doubts about pornography’s influence on sexual behaviour. A 2024/2025 survey by the Institute for Addressing Strangulation, in collaboration with Bangor University, found that 35% of 16–34-year-olds in Britain reported being strangled or choked at least once during consensual sex. Alongside an increase in choking-related injuries being presented in emergency departments, these findings prompted the British government to consider criminalising pornography that depicted strangulation or suffocation.

But the harms of viewing pornography are not only physical. The emotional effects, though often less obvious, are no less profound. They may manifest as withdrawal, social anxiety, embarrassment during romantic encounters, or avoidance of intimacy.

For some young people, exposure to pornography has made the fear of inadequacy paralysing. Two teenage male clients of mine recently, and independently, described themselves as gynophobic, which is a fear of women and girls, driven by anxiety about not ‘measuring up’.

Pornography reduces sex to mechanics, bodies, movements, and acts, while omitting the elements that make sexuality meaningful: Connection, consent, affection, communication, and trust. Intimacy is portrayed as something performative rather than relational.

Over time, repeated exposure to pornography can establish what psychologists refer to as a ‘sexual script’: An internal guideline for how sex should occur and the roles individuals are expected to play.

When these scripts develop early, before genuine romantic experience, they can become the default pattern. 

Since many pornographic scenarios focus on power, aggression, and strict gender roles, these scripts can be extremely unhelpful and, in some cases, damaging.

Less commonly recognised is the fact that some young people turn to pornography to cope with stress, boredom, or anxiety.

The viewing of pornography, much like gambling, can become compulsive.

This compulsive use can be accompanied by shame, secrecy, and a loss of control. Shame is an ineffective motivator for healthy change, and when pornography is kept hidden, rather than discussed openly, young people are pushed further into isolation.

Perhaps the most significant impact occurs when young people begin forming romantic relationships. Many describe feeling uncertain about what ‘normal’ intimacy looks like. They may expect encounters to mirror what they have seen in pornography — aggressive, choreographed, emotionless, or violent — and sometimes their partners expect the same.

This mismatch causes emotional fallout: Disappointment (‘This doesn’t feel like I thought it would’); confusion (‘Why doesn’t this feel right?’); pressure (‘I’m supposed to do this because everyone in porn does’); and disconnection (‘Intimacy is something you perform, not something you feel’).

Moving beyond fear

Many parents react with fear, anger, or panic when they find out their child has been viewing pornography. Although these reactions are understandable, panic-based responses rarely result in positive outcomes. The most effective method is relational rather than reactionary.

So what can parents do?

• 1. Start talking earlier than you think you should

Children hear about sex long before they understand it. If parents don’t provide a framework early, pornography will fill that gap. Conversations about bodies, respect, and boundaries can begin in primary school in age-appropriate ways and should be revisited as children grow older, gradually deepening and becoming more complex.

• 2. Normalise curiosity, don’t shame it

If a child is met with anger or shame after stumbling upon porn, they learn one lesson: Never tell my parents again.

A calmer response might be, ‘I’m glad you told me. That kind of content can be confusing. Let’s talk about how it made you feel.’ This approach minimises secrecy and emphasises the emotional impact over explicit content.

• 3. Explain what porn is and what it isn’t

Many young people assume pornography is like a documentary that reflects reality.

Helping them understand that it is scripted, edited, and created to stimulate can be protective. Comparing it to an action movie, by saying it is exaggerated and unrealistic, can help reduce pressure and encourage critical thinking

• 4. Talk about consent, respect, and communication

Porn rarely shows negotiation, boundaries, or communication between ‘lovers’, yet these are central to healthy intimacy. Young people need to understand that consent is ongoing, that pleasure is mutual, and that emotional connection matters.

• 5. Use technology tools

Filters and parental controls help, but they cannot prevent all exposure. Conversations about inappropriate online content remain essential.

• 6. Keep the door open

The goal is not one big talk, but ongoing small ones. Gentle questions, such as ‘Have you ever seen anything online that felt confusing?’ signal safety and openness.

It is not curiosity we should fear, but our children’s silence. Silence breeds shame, and shame leaves children managing the big questions alone.

Through calm, consistent, and compassionate conversations, parents can help their children develop healthier understandings of sex, intimacy, and themselves. When adults become a reliable source of guidance, even if the conversations feel uncomfortable, pornography loses its power.

So, if your child has just received their first smartphone this Christmas, I urge you to have these awkward conversations as soon as possible, because the long-term cost of avoiding them might be much higher.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist