'You’re mourning the imagined child you pictured': How to manage gender reveal disappointment

Online gender reveals can hide the quiet disappointment of parents who dreamt of having a baby of a different sex

Dr Bronagh Fitzpatrick: "Disappointment often comes from the gap between the child we imagined and the child we’re having." Picture: iStock.

Gender reveal videos on the internet have become part of bringing a child into the world. Parents shoot pink or blue confetti from a cannon or cut into a cake to reveal the gender, but some feel disappointed with the outcome.

“Disappointment often comes from the gap between the child we imagined and the child we’re having,” says Dr Bronagh Fitzpatrick, clinical and health psychologist (@theparentalpsychologist). 

“Maybe a parent always pictured raising a son, or hoped for one of each.

“Sometimes, cultural or family expectations play a role, or our own childhood experiences shape the hopes we carry. And in today’s world of gender reveals and early scans, parents can build up strong expectations long before their baby is born. When reality doesn’t match the picture, it’s normal to feel a sense of loss.”

One mother who knows the feeling of gender disappointment all too well is Sinead*. 

She had always dreamt of the relationship she would one day have with her own daughter. From “princess outfits, to ballet classes, teenage years, boyfriend dramas, and wedding day”, she admits that her vision was gender-stereotypical.

Her third child was her “last chance” to complete her family with a girl. However, after a private blood test to find out the gender at eight weeks, she was devastated to learn that a girl would not be rounding up her family. 

“I had to find out (the gender) as soon as possible, because I was obsessed with comparing symptoms.

“When the results arrived, my husband opened it and laughed, saying, ‘It’s another boy!’. I burst into tears. I had to take myself upstairs to hide my disappointment, and I think I cried for a week.”

As the months went on and her bump grew, she came to terms with having another boy. However, telling others the baby’s gender was another hurdle. 

Admitting that you wanted your child to be a different gender can be difficult.

“The comments I got when I told people I was having another boy were hard. People were disappointed, which then made me become defensive of him and love him even more.”

Sinead is open about her concerns for the future. “My kids are very stereotypical boys, and I know that as they get older, we will have less to bond over.

“However, I sometimes look at my brother’s close relationship with our mum, which has remained strong even as he’s grown older, and that reassures me.

“My boys are crazy, but they’re also so affectionate and give me the best hugs. I remind myself that all children have their own personalities, regardless of their gender.

“Having a boy or a girl does not guarantee what kind of relationship you will have with them. As soon as that healthy baby is born, you really don’t care.”

Grieving a lost ideal

Admitting that you wanted your child to be a different gender can be difficult. Fitzpatrick believes it is more common than people realise, and that many parents keep their feelings private out of fear of judgement.

“Often, parents tell themselves they ‘should just be grateful’ and then feel awful for having mixed emotions,” she says. 

“That guilt can be heavier than the disappointment itself. What’s important to remember is that having these feelings does not mean you love your baby any less.

“It simply means you’re human, with hopes and expectations that didn’t line up this time.”

It is natural to hope for a certain gender. A study from the University of Roehampton found that many parents want to have at least one child the same sex as them. But how far are some parents willing to go to pursue that? Taking fate into their own hands, some parents now choose the gender of their baby via IVF treatment.

Countries that allow gender selection for social reasons include the United States, Mexico, Russia, Cyprus, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, the United Arab Emirates (UAE), Thailand, Colombia, and Iran.

Dr John Kennedy, medical director at Therapie Fertility Clinic, says gender selection is a grey area in Ireland. 

“The Assisted Health and Abortions Act has been passed in Ireland, but it hasn’t been enacted. And until that’s enacted, there’s no actual law saying you can’t do gender selection.

“However, no clinics, to the best of my knowledge, allow gender selection for social reasons. In some circumstances, when there is a serious medical risk of passing on a sex-linked genetic condition to the child, it can be allowed.”

If you are disappointed that you didn’t get the son or daughter that you hoped for, Fitzpatrick has advice for parents. 

“The good news is that for many, the feelings are mild and pass quickly once the baby arrives.

“For some, though, the disappointment can feel heavier and linger, and those parents may need extra support.”

To come to terms with this disappointment, Fitzpatrick recommends first acknowledging it without feeling shame.

“You should grieve the idea and not the baby you have. You’re mourning the imagined child you pictured, not rejecting the baby you’re having.”

Challenge stereotypes and remind yourself of the qualities you value, like kindness, which aren’t tied to gender, she advises. “Actively bonding with your baby through rituals like talking to your baby bump, writing letters, or engaging in skin-to-skin contact after birth helps build a connection and shift your focus.”

If feelings of disappointment persist, Fitzpatrick recommends seeking support: “It’s important to reach out to your GP, midwife, or public health nurse. Supportive conversations and, if needed, therapy, can make a big difference.”

• *Name has been changed