My sister has breast cancer. Here's what I've learned about how to support a loved one
A cancer diagnosis holds the weight of a thousand histories, says James, and many people struggle to even say the word.
I am not exactly known for my joie de vivre but when my sister Gillian was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer, I was tempted to bathe her in the usual “you got this” type platitudes.
When she was going through chemotherapy, I tried to convince her to get a wig.
It wasn't until I truly looked inward, I realised that I was the one that was uncomfortable with her appearance, not her. I didn’t want to be confronted with a visual reminder of her illness.
Wanting to compartmentalise or sanitise a loved one’s diagnosis is very common, says clinical hypno-psychotherapist James P White, Director of the Cork Cancer Care Centre.
“For the person who is going through cancer, the hardest thing is how do they navigate their family who are trying to fix everything, make it better or trying to take the pain away.”
A cancer diagnosis holds the weight of a thousand histories, says James, and many people struggle to even say the word.
“There's still [a] stigma around the word ‘cancer’. For a lot of people, they think if they mention that word, it's a death sentence.”
Failing to acknowledge the disease can have the opposite effect to which it is often intended, says James.
“Just say the word. It is real. It is happening. Saying it out loud de-stigmatises it.”
Social media content creator and musician, Klara McDonnell was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019. She is currently cancer free but carries the BRCA1 positive gene mutation which means she is considering elective surgeries to have her ovaries removed.
Although Klara is very positive person, she really hated when people avoided the subject altogether.
“Sometimes people don’t like to mention ‘The Big C’ and they're afraid to talk about cancer.
"Some of my friends found it a little bit awkward initially, [wondering] do I treat her differently - that sort of thing.”
Realising that the diagnosis will affect your friends is vital, says Klara, but it was helpful when her friends processed their emotions about the cancer before coming to her, some seeking help through counselling or alternative therapies.
The Cancer Care Centre in Cork is a “safe haven” for those going through cancer treatment and for their families, says its director, James, and there are holistic treatments available for patients and their families, from reiki to oncology massage, counselling, and reflexology.
According to Klara, having friends project their fears onto her could make things quite fraught, especially when they weren’t up to speed on the plan from her medical team.
“It’s very important to acknowledge that everybody's journey is different. Everybody would have their own opinions and thoughts on cancer.”
You may be inclined to kill with kindness, and practical things like ready-made meals and drop-offs are helpful. However, it’s important to understand that while this is affecting you, it is not yours to carry, says James.
“It’s their cancer. It's not yours. And what you can do to support the person is to meet them where they’re at.”
You may be tempted to cheer the person up, says James but that forced positivity doesn’t sit well with most people going through cancer.
“You might try anything to make them laugh or even smile, and it’s not working. Internally, you’re asking yourself, ‘how am I going to stop you getting down? But you can't. When they're having a down day, let them.”
Listening to your friend can validate them in a major way, says James.
“The way our brains are wired is when someone's talking to us, we're getting ready to answer or give an opinion. Sometimes you just need to listen.”
Klara’s appearance changed drastically when she was undergoing chemo, from fluctuating in weight to losing her hair.
“The day I shaved my hair off, I had a few remarks of people saying ‘Oh, you look like Sinead O'Connor’. And I just found that so strange – that was a fashion decision.”
Klara says she didn’t mind being bald as she was always into wigs and hats but the so-called “moon-face”, caused by steroids, really impinged on her self-image.
“My face was very, very round. I was put into a temporary menopause and I had red, dry skin.
"At social gatherings, I felt awkward because of how I was looking.
"I was that friend who was constantly asking if photos could be deleted off social media.”
A lot of people re-emerged in Klara’s life that she hadn’t had contact with in a long time, sending her messages via multiple social media platforms.
“You might notice exes or friends come back into your life – you may not have spoken to them in decades. You might become really excited by this but you have to be very level-headed.”
Klara was bearing witness to so many stories about other people going through cancer, sometimes with quite bleak outcomes.
“I decided to delete my personal Facebook account because I found it very overwhelming.
"Some of these people might contact you a lot during treatment but not as much afterwards. That can be very alienating.”
Klara was quite public about her journey, documenting milestones and moments from shaving her head with friends on YouTube to sharing reels and photos after her lumpectomy and double mastectomy.
According to James, repeating the same information to friends can be draining for a person with cancer, and it’s good to do some of your own research about the disease.
However, reading up on cancer does not equate to a deep dive on Google, he says, as this can be extremely damaging.
“In Cork, we have top quality surgeons and oncologists, and they always have a plan.
"Listen, keep opinions and advice to yourself. Leave the medical stuff to the professionals.
"Offer support and rather than insist they have to take it, don't take it personally if they refuse.”
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