'Families are weird yokes': Five tips from Marian Keyes on coping during Christmas
"I suffer from this as well, perfectionism," says Marian Keyes
Picture: Dean Chalkley.
Limerick author Marian Keyes, aside from being an international best-seller and a pop-literary sensation, has over the years become something of a national treasure.
Her Twitter presence in particular is a shining example of the best the platform has to offer, a writerly, honest and vernacular-laden ray of sunshine that stands out as one of the best reasons to stay using the birdie app.
This morning, she reminded us of a video she made in pre-Covid times, offering her own advice on how to cope with Christmas if, for one reason or another, it won't be a happy one for you.
In her own inimitable fashion, she rifles through familial alienation, the pressure to be perfect, the money worries, the trouble with socialising for people struggling with addiction, and coping with grief at a time where we're told a lot about "togetherness".
"Families are weird yokes, and if you're estranged from your family for your own self-care, that's fine. That's great. You're doing what's right for you. And if you're afraid of going back to your family of origin, that's also normal.
"Even if you have a good relationship with them being back as an adult, amongst your siblings and your parents, has a very weird effect on us because when we're adults, we are far more powerful than we were as children. We're not powerless in the way that we were, when we were a child.
"But I found, y'know, when I lived in London and I used to come home, I used to slot right back into the person I used to be when I was a teenager, or in my early 20s.
"And, y'know, I felt rage, and resentment, and I fought with my siblings and there's something about being back in the family home that makes that makes me revert to a younger self. And if that happens to you, or you find it really painful, limit your exposure to them. A lot of people do that, there's nothing weird or shameful about doing that.
"Lie, if you can't be honest, y'know, if you don't have the courage, and I understand this, to say, I can't be with you, because you terrify me and you make me feel insane and really depressed for weeks afterwards. If you can't say that, that's fine.
"Pretend you're sick, get a second period that month, or y'know, suddenly develop a blinding headache - something that makes you escape. If you're staying in the house, escaped to a bedroom, or if you're visiting just for the day to just leave, or to not go at all. You're allowed."
"I suffer from this as well, perfectionism. You know, I feel that if Christmas day is not perfect, it means I have failed, that I am a failure as a person, that my relationships are failing, and my family is a failure.
"But perfectionism is just such a brutal stick that we beat ourselves with, and there is no such thing as perfection.
"Happiness with family members happens in split-second moments, here and there, throughout the year, and almost never on Christmas Day, when the pressure is just being piled on people, piled and piled and piled. And when you're (tired), and you're worried, it's not going to happen.
"And another thing: Christmas is about expectations, and, like, expectations are simply disappointment under construction. Expectations are never going to be the beautiful things that we would like them to be."
"There are all kinds of loneliness, like where you are literally on your own, you've recently lost somebody, maybe your partner left you, your partner died, your parent died, your child won't speak to you, or your best friend has caught you off. Loneliness is, I think, one of the hardest things really, because it's a powerless position.
"One of the things that has often been said to me is to go and maybe volunteer, and help cook Christmas dinner for people who are even worse off than oneself. But if you're already overwhelmed with misery, by the human condition, and you can't cope, then consider Christmas Day as just... an ordeal. A series of hours and minutes to be endured. That's okay. There are times when there just is no point in trying to put a gloss on things.
"Be nice to yourself. Keep saying to yourself, this is awful, but it will end, and do whatever you can in that time to try and make the hours pass, to try and distract yourself, but never be cross with yourself for not being part of a so-called "happy family" because, trust me, most people are having a pretty grim time on Christmas Day, if the truth be told."
"Another thing that kind of breaks my heart about Christmas is people who feel that they can't afford financially to give their children or their family the sort of Christmas that they see their siblings managing, or their work colleagues, or just those imaginary families that actually don't exist.
"Just remember that, if you are poor, it's not your fault - this is a very unequal world we live in, and I worry about people getting into debt to give their children this perfect Christmas. If you feel that that's what you have to do, forgive yourself for it.
"If you're going to do something like that, don't pile shame onto yourself, into the bargain. If you feel you can step back and say to your kids, look, I'm really sorry, you know, but there just isn't the money this year. It will be painful. It's painful because we feel shame that is not earned.
"You know, I remember being so skint, and I felt really ashamed, but it's not like I was a terrible person or a lazy person. It was just circumstances, so you shouldn't feel ashamed."
"I think the most important thing for anyone is to keep talking to your inside self, reminding yourself that you're okay. You're better off being true to yourself, than to do things to oblige other people. We're brought up to feel guilty if we don't do the supposed things, and it doesn't matter.
"Y'know, we've got to remind ourselves, if you're prone to depression, if you're prone to anxiety, Mother of God, again, this time of year, it's just, y'know, it's unavoidable really.
"And the only person who can take care of ourselves is ourselves. Nobody else is really going to say no. No one except yourself. And it takes courage to be able to disappoint people.
"All I'm saying is, it's really hard. And it is one day, get through it, and as be as kind and as compassionate to yourself as you possibly can."
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