Yvonne Murray: Covid made me more alone than ever before

Each week, we hear extraordinary stories of life during a pandemic

Mon, 04 Jan, 2021 - 12:00

Yvonne Murray

Back in early October 2019 my second daughter Ròisìn was born. There is about a year and a half between Ròisìn and my first daughter Mèabh. It was mayhem during those first few weeks, but it was lovely.

In January, I wasn't feeling great in myself and was very down and my husband was encouraging me to go and speak to a doctor. I brushed it off until later that month when the girls had a check-up with the public health nurse and she asked me how I was feeling. We completed a questionnaire and she said 'I think you are showing signs of postnatal depression'.

After the visit, I made an appointment with the GP but I was feeling fine again for a few days, so I cancelled it. I rescheduled and cancelled again soon after that but on the third time, I actually went to the appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room of a busy surgery, feeling anxious that everyone knew why I was here.

My doctor confirmed that I was suffering with postnatal depression and anxiety and she prescribed me medication. You get leaflets when you leave the hospital about what to look out for. I had some of the symptoms but lots of them, I didn't have. I felt like I lost my sense of humour, I was constantly teary-eyed. I wasn't myself — I didn't recognise who I had become. I wasn't enjoying anything in life.

I was in shock that we went down the medication route straight away, but at that stage I just wanted to feel better and I was going to do anything that they told me to do. I started seeing a therapist along with the medication and I was shocked by how much better I felt thanks to a combination of both.

I was doing well for what seemed like quite a while — but was probably only a few weeks — until the pandemic hit and everything went into lockdown. Then it slowly but surely crept back.

Yvonne Murray has learned to put her mental health first. File picture: Denis Minihane

Other than my husband, none of my family knew. My Mam or my sisters and my brother didn't have a clue and I wanted it that way. It wasn't that I didn't feel like I could tell them, it was that I didn't want to be a burden on them and with the restrictions, there was nothing they could have done for me anyway, because they weren't allowed to visit.

As much as I felt isolated before, the arrival of Covid-19 and the first lockdown made me feel a million times more alone. The only saving grace for me was that the weather was nice and the nights were getting longer and I was able to get out and go for a walk or go out into the back garden. Being outside really helped me.

In May I set up an Instagram page. I had never done anything like that before, but connecting with other mothers made me feel less alone. At the beginning, I didn't really go into how I was feeling, I just said that I was struggling a little bit. Then I was reading other people's stories and it felt like I could have written them. I really thought at that time that I was the only person feeling the way that I was and to find out that there were others going through it too opened my eyes to the fact that it is more common than I would have ever imagined.

Before I shared my feelings on social media, I had to go to my family and admit how things were for me. I don't know why I didn't tell them before but I think at some level I was trying to protect them. It was such a relief to talk to them and the more I told them, the more it felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. It was like I didn't have to pretend any more that everything was fine.

After that, I shared my story with my followers on Instagram and I honestly think that finding out there were others like me has been one of the most healing experiences since this began. I feel like there are all of these women who completely understand me.

I was asking my therapist recently 'what happened years ago? You never hear of women having these stories. They always just got on with motherhood, you never hear of them finding it hard.' She said that the old saying of 'it takes a village to raise a child' was the way it was back then, but it's not like that anymore and life can be very isolating.

I have connected with strangers through social media and I feel more in tune with them than any parents that I have met since having my girls. I feel like the women I have met online are all on the same wavelength as me — it's like a virtual Mom's Group, but an unofficial one.

I think the past year has taught me that when you dig deep and decide to look after yourself and your own family first, life gets better. It's important during this time, and even after the pandemic is long gone, to put yourself and your mental health first, and to do whatever you need to do to get yourself healthy. I have learned to put my own oxygen mask on first, and to value my own importance.