Widower fears he will fail to satisfy younger love interest

Feeling close and connected is what matters. Trust that if you are both attracted to each other you will both get aroused.

¦ I am in my 60s and a widower. I was recently introduced to a very attractive woman in her late 50s, who is separated. We’ve gone on a few dates and things are going well.

At some point, the issue of sex is likely to be mentioned. I am afraid she might be disappointed by my performance. I suffer from premature ejaculation and have not had sex for five years. What do you suggest?

>> You are having a good time with an attractive woman, so why not continue to enjoy yourself on dates.

You are obviously thinking about sex and this is normal. But when we rush into the future, it is all too easy for fears — such as not being able to satisfy your partner — to creep in.

Finding someone attractive is important in determining how we respond sexually. You can’t create sexual chemistry, but it needs to be fostered.

You are a widower and there is your history of sexual relationships. From what you say, premature ejaculation was a problem and, naturally, this is what first comes to mind when you think about your friend sexually. You worry that you come to a point in your sexual arousal when ejaculation is inevitable and you think you reach this point too soon. You expect you both would enjoy intercourse much more if you could hold off ejaculation for just a few minutes longer.

You haven’t had sex for five years, so you it’s understandable that you are anxious. For sex to work, we can’t be tense. It is important to relax and feel comfortable with a partner. Remember, she is separated and, perhaps, is anxious too.

She is human, along with her feelings and fears.

Feeling close and connected is what matters, not the performance. Trust that if you are both attracted to each other you will both get aroused.

I would suggest that the two of you really begin to talk about sex in general. Then, move on to what you like and find out what she likes. Talk about foreplay and pleasuring.

Look at how you could both relax. Think about starting with affectionate, non-genital touching without intercourse. Slowly, over time, get to know each other’s bodies without thinking about performance. At its core, sex is not about performance. It is about two people connecting in a loving, intimate way.

Remember that your sexual response may not be as intense in your 60s as in your youth.

The capacity to enjoy sex can last well into old age. A very good book that might help you is The New Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld.

In the meantime, continue to get to know your friend and give her a chance to get to know you. Spend time developing a sensual, affectionate relationship. Above all, enjoy her company and have fun.

¦ Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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