Why a growing number of people are having affairs
KLARA is not her true name – but her story of infidelity, sex and betrayal is very real.
A chatty, outgoing Dubliner in her 30s, Klara has been married for nearly a decade and says she and her husband love each other dearly.
The couple have no children, but enjoy a close relationship; she explains, he suffers from depression and for years their sex life has been almost non-existent:
“He’s just not interested in sex,” says Klara.
“It’s a side effect of his condition.
“In the last five years we have been intimate about 10 times.”
Klara heard about a website dedicated to extramarital affairs through a friend, and after much thought, eventually signed up in August 2013.
“I missed sex. I felt the website could offer a way of having sex without hurting my husband.
“I thought about telling him and discussing having a more open marriage, but I felt that would hurt him.
“I also felt it’d be worse to just sit there and get bitter about my lack of a sex life.”
Klara eventually had eight dates and in March 2014 met her ninth for a cup of coffee. He turned out to be the one.
“Johnny and I are about the same age. Like me, he’s in a long-term relationship. He felt his sex life had become mundane, while mine was non-existent.”
Some 16 months later they’re still together:
“The easiest way to describe it is as a sexual relationship with friendship. It’s an escape from our lives to have fun, we meet and have sex in hotels, or even in the car.
“The sex between us would be totally different to the sex I’ve had with my husband,” says Klara, who works in the retail sector.
“We’ve pushed boundaries and tried new things, it’d be fairly out of the box in terms of a sexual relationship.
“It’s adventurous.” Yet, she admits, there’s always the fear that the affair could destroy two relationships if it was to be revealed.
“We have to be careful,” she says, adding that they never go out for a meal or a drink but have sex in their cars or in a low-key hotel.
“Johnny picks me up from my car and we go to a hotel.
“We use fairly mundane hotels where you wouldn’t have big weddings or functions being hosted.
“The affair is a great outlet for both of us,” she says, adding that she’s extremely careful about deleting any texts. The couple don’t email.
“At some stage it will come to a natural end, but at the moment we are both very happy.
“It’s a very different kind of sexual relationship to what I’m used to, and Johnny is a total gentleman.
“Infidelity is extremely common in Ireland – it’s just not talked about. There are a number of sites which allow people to meet up outside their relationships.”
Klara is a fan of Sky Atlantic’s new award-winning series The Affair, in which Noah, a handsome New York teacher who lives with his wife and three children, puts his apparently idyllic family life at risk when he embarks on an affair with a pretty married waitress, Alison.
Viewers watch with bated breath as the psychological and emotional effects of their infidelity are tensely portrayed.
It’s great entertainment – but it also raises some uncomfortable questions.
Why do Noah and Alison do it?
Is it just about sex or is there something far deeper propelling them out of their own long-term relationships?
Do they feel guilty? And who is really in the wrong?
Infidelity is indeed common, according to the statistics. Research carried out in Britain last summer by the organisation Relate shows that one in four people in relationships admit to an affair.
There’s no doubt that every day thousands of Irish people cheat on their partners, with many, like Karla, seizing the ample opportunities offered by the internet.
Ashley Madison statistics show the website has more than 153,000 Irish members, the largest number of which are from Cork, followed by Galway, Dublin, Waterford and Limerick.
A spokesman said the website had more than 36,000 sign-ups from Irish members in the past year alone.
If the statistics are anything to go by, Klara is one of a wave of Irish people happy to embark on an affair. Why?
“There appears to be an increase in the number of people who are engaging in extramarital affairs,” says Fergal Rooney, a psychologist at St John Of God Hospital, Dublin.
“There’s a very complex dynamic going on,” he says. An increasing societal tolerance or acceptance towards infidelity is a factor, he believes, while people are increasingly questioning the whole concept of monogamy.
“There are various forums where attitudes and beliefs questioning monogamy can be reinforced,” he says, adding that modern society is not as bound by traditional family or religious belief as heretofore.
“There is also a move towards more individualism – it’s more about meeting ‘my individual needs’ and not about considering the implications for others,” he says.
Often people simply don’t “take pause” to consider the implication of what they are doing, he says.
Then there is the growing access provided by the online world to the possibility of an affair.
“There is a greater acceptance of emotional or sexual contact with other people when you are already in a relationship,” Rooney says.
Against this backdrop, the shift in attitudes makes it easier for a person to give himself or herself permission to have an affair.
But, though it might be exciting while it lasts, once infidelity comes to light, everyone affected is devastated, warns Bernadette Ryan, a psychotherapist and relationships counsellor with Relationships Ireland, who estimates that as much as a quarter of her case load deals with the issue of marital infidelity.
She says: “An affair is not usually about sex. In many cases there has been something not working in the relationship that neither partner is addressing, so it seems easier to take the energy out of the relationship.”
The fallout, once it is discovered, is dramatic for all involved, including the children and extended family.
The person who has been enjoying the fling will often go on to a state of complete shock, primarily because they have never even considered the consequences of being caught out, she warns: “They become caught up in the intrigue of the affair and it’s all very exciting.
“Discovery leaves the person in a state of shock because he or she can’t believe they’ve been caught and are horrified by the hurt they have caused.
“This was not their intention and that can be deeply traumatising when they realise what they have put at risk, particularly if they have been in a solid relationship with a family.”
Cue an avalanche of guilt and confusion where the unfaithful partner finds he or she can’t answer the simple question as to why they didn’t just stop, she says.
Expressing deep remorse can help, says Ryan, but some unfaithful people become defensive, and are unable to ‘connect’ with feelings of remorse, which doesn’t help. Others run away from even discussing it:
“Often with men, when an affair has been exposed, they admit culpability and want to move on.
“That’s the way men process things. They can compartmentalise. They take the logical view, but there is also a desire to get away from the pain involved in professing it.”
However, women whose male partners have broken trust really need to talk about it, she says. It’s part of their healing process. If a man wants to be forgiven he must go along with that and avoid shutting down and moving on emotionally.
“It’s like confessing your sins and then having to do penance. The penance is sitting and listening to your partner’s hurt and pain. It can be difficult for men to sit with the pain they’ve caused their partner.”
Addiction and relationships counsellor Austin Prior deals regularly with women who have suffered the effects of a partner’s infidelity through sexual addiction.
“The fallout is huge,” he says, adding that women describe the after-effects as a tsunami of grief, anger and other emotions when they have learned of a partner’s infidelities.
When the truth comes out, it can cause immense trauma for the women as it brings with it not only a huge sense of betrayal but also has devastating effect on a woman’s self-esteem and sense of desirability, he explains.
However, while women may be open to forgiving male partners who stray, when it’s the woman who’s had an affair, says Ryan, men can be less interested in reconciliation.
Whatever about the sense of shock experienced by the unfaithful spouse when his or her infidelity is discovered, the utter devastation which befalls the betrayed spouse is almost inexpressible.
“It can completely rock your world, and send the betrayed person into a place where they’re spinning in the world; all their certainties and trust are broken,” says Ryan.
Deep shock, agonising hurt, and a huge sense of humiliation —especially if other people know about the infidelity — are just some of the emotions experienced by a spouse when they discover their partner has had an affair.
“It can also bring deep-rooted fears of abandonment to the fore,” explains Ryan.
“Healing needs a period of expressing the feelings and the hurt, a lot of ranting and roaring; they need to vent that.
“The person who has had the affair needs to allow space for that, because the person who has been betrayed is in crisis.
“He or she is grieving for the life they thought they had and now they are questioning everything in terms of the lies and deceit practised on them.”
This could take months, she warns — however, if the betrayed spouse is still in crisis mode a year later, they’re ‘stuck’— which is not a good sign, she warns.
“The one who has had the affair has to work very hard in helping the partner regain trust. It’s a case of one step forward, two steps back, so they need to call on all their resources of patience and understanding.
“Forgiveness can be difficult and the repair work after an affair is a challenge for both. It must not be just about one person never forgiving the other.”
AN IT expert in his 30s, Robert was married for several years when he discovered his wife was having an affair. The couple have two young children
“My wife and I have moved apart emotionally and intellectually,” he says. I discovered she was having an affair. I put up with it. Although we’re fast moving away from being a married couple, we’re staying together because of our children.
“Having an affair was a conscious decision. I joined a site two months ago because I had come to the point where I was fed up with my marriage and my relationship with my wife.”
He didn’t want to join a standard dating site he says, because he didn’t want to have to explain the complexities of his home life to prospective dates.
Instead he chose one that promotes itself as a ‘married dating service for discreet encounters’.
“Because it was for people who were married and were having affairs, there would be a tacit understand that the reasons would be complicated,” he says.
“I’m not looking to create a new relationship, what I am doing is getting back in the game and the website has been amazing for this. I’m not unattractive, which helps!
“I’ve had a great time and met all kinds of ladies, from young women who want to meet an older established man, to more mature women.”
In the past weeks he’s had a “very interesting conversation” with 23-year-old and has, on a number of occasions, met a “banking executive in her 40s” as well as a Japanese woman.
“I haven’t told my wife. She didn’t tell me about her affair, and I don’t see it as any of her business.
“I’m not happy, I don’t like the situation I am in.”
However he says, the dates cheer him up.
“It’s fun. There’s a great social element as well and that is what I am looking for. I don’t know where it will lead. I don’t have an end-game here.
"The women I meet say they’re in relationships which are lacking something, lacking a spark. They’re looking for someone who wants them as a sexual being.”
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