'The Traitors' episode three review: Emotion, intrigue, and more trips to the forest
Presenter Siobhán McSweeney was straight to the point in episode three of ‘The Traitors Ireland’ and made no effort to hide her disappointment: ‘The traitors are making a holy show of ye. Do ye not like money?’
We open episode three of The Traitors with Big Daddy Paudie and his secret son, Beige Andrew, having a catch-up at breakfast.
Andrew gets straight to business before Paudie even gets a cup of tae in him.
“What are you?” he asks. “Ooh, 100% a Faithful, absolutely,” says Paudie who, to be fair, like any good Irish father, has had ample practice at lying to his son over the years. Unless Andy still believes in the tooth fairy, which actually wouldn’t surprise me.
Michele announces to the table that if Niall is the one who was murdered, it’s a personal attack on her because “he’s the only one I talk to”. Cue crickets. Way to make friends and influence people there, Michele.
Well, didn’t I call it yesterday, tis slán go fóill Niall, so it is, and Michele starts the waterworks.
“He was like my little son. Come after my kids and I’ll be like Liam Neeson, I’ll come after you.” YOU’VE KNOW HIM TWO DAYS, YA MAD YOKE. And then! Two minutes later, she’s having a go at Vanessa for crying over Diane going.
“You barely know her,” she sniffs, as she’s making mental notes to get herself and Niall matching PJs for Christmas. But leave it to a Gen Zeder to give the perfect comeback.
“I wasn’t about Diane, I was .”
It’s time for Siobhán to make her entrance; she’s straight in with a dig. “The Traitors are making a holy show of ye,” she tsks her disapproval because they’re getting rid of people who are good at the missions.
Can’t WAIT to see what she’s wearing. Meh, I’m not mad about that colour on her now, a kinda beige, more Andrew than Queen Siobhán.
Back to the next mission, out to that fecking forest again. Are Coillte one of the sponsors or what? On the way, there’s a lol moment. Faye’s in the car with Andrew, and she says: “Do you know what I’d really love now ...”. I’m kinda expecting her to say an eyebrow and eyelash bar pop-up in the woods or something, but she goes: “Is like if someone was secretly related or secretly together."
Poor Andrew should never play poker, cos he starts grinning like a loon and then tries to cover it up.
“Ireland’s so small like, HAHAHA”. He just stops himself loosening his collar. How is this fella still in the game?
The mission involved digging up gold bars and getting them in a chest with a load of masked monks watching them. “Each gold bar is worth... 20 EURRRROOO!” declares Siobhán.
There’s a bang of off this, when the winning prize would be five pounds and an autographed tea towel with Theresa Lowe’s face on it. Faye is having none of it.
“€20?” she says, like Tommy Bowe hearing about a family with lots of siblings. “TWENTY? You wouldn’t get an ice cream for it.” Loving Faye this episode.
The 200 gold (painted wood) bars total €4,000 though, so not a bad day’s work. Two of the monks are revealed to be John and Gemma, kicked off in episode one. They get to convince the gang to accept one of them back in.
I won’t be a sheep is John’s pitch, and Gemma says she’s creative and wants to be part of a gang. Alas, not this time, and it’s John that gets to go back to Slane — but he won’t be slain, as Siobhán gives him immunity tonight. She also gives him a shield to give to someone of his choosing to keep them safe, too.
His fellow Corkonian Christine ramps up the rebel love, changing into red and white, making him a cup of tea, and drooling over his fireman job. All of which drives him straight to the arms of Traitor Katelyn, who he slips the shield to.
“Shtick that in your pocket there now.” He’s like a drunk uncle slipping you a fiver on your Communion. SHE’S THE TRAITOR, YOU TOOL.
He’s leaving all the Cork people down now, the dopey spider. The round table kicks off, with Siobhán upping the dress game in a gorgeous salmon number with a flattering V neck. Nina gets pounced on, yet another Faithful falling foul of unfair practices.
The traitors get together, and Katelyn takes a chunk out of Paudie for doing her dirty with Andrew, and they are to decide who to murder next.
My call is Michele.
- continues next Sunday at 9.30pm on RTÉ One and RTÉ Player.
