Marise Gaughan: 'My father pours himself a vodka. He hasn’t been my Dad in seven days'

Marise Gaughan was 14 when her dad first tried to end his life. She went on a spiral of self-destruction when he died by suicide when she was 23. In this extract, she talks about their complicated relationship

Trouble by Marise Gaughan

Below is an extract from my book Trouble, a coming-of-age memoir that deals with the suicide of my father and my own struggle with mental illness and ensuing self-destruction. Those are heavy and serious topics, but Trouble is not a heavy and serious book — I believe lightness and humour can be found in the darkest of places. My relationship with my father was a complicated one. His mental illness was intertwined with his addiction, as is often the case, so it was not something I could recognise until the night detailed below, when he made an attempt on his life. After this night, it still took me many years to truly comprehend the magnitude of his pain, and by then it was too late. When depression takes hold of you, and you are staring down the mental abyss, suicide can often feel like the only exit path. It never is. I feel lucky to have learned that wisdom, and I will always be sad that he did not.

I am fourteen. It’s the night before my business studies mock exams, sometime in February when the nights are still long and it rains every day. For the past two years I have been a straight-from-Hell nightmare of a child. Disruptive, my class reports say. Needs to learn to control herself. When you don’t understand the whirlpool of emotions inside you, anger is the easiest one to pull out. There are weekly meetings to discuss my behaviour. My teachers point to my test scores as an example of my potential. We want to help you. I sit, slumped down in the chair with my arms crossed, shooting them daggers. I don’t see anyone that needs help.