Ask Audrey: Is calling Santa Claus 'Santy' a sign that you're from the northside?

...sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I have put a block on Kerry men on my Tinder account because would it kill them to change their socks before the end of the month, would it? 

Didn’t I get an expression of interest from a fella in Millstreet, so I invited him over last Sunday to ‘view the goods’, he brought a portion of Shepherd’s Pie in a tupperware box in case he was stopped by the guards and he could tell them he had to feed his mother, no less. 

An yway, safe to say we’re a match in every department and didn’t I invite him to live with me because the Shepherd’s Pie story would hardly work twice. The only problem now is that he’s a fierce man for a nooner, as he calls it, whereas I think it’s a bit British to have sex before lunch. 

Is this just Catholic guilt, tell me?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My cousin is a hippy priest, we call him Fr Go On So. I said, do you have any problem with sex before lunch? He said, God protect me from the hunger.

It’s getting out of control on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners with Ridiculous American Accents. 

Laura_Todally Trump said she has todal empathy for the Donald because hair extensions and boasting about your wealth are a way of life here on the Douglas Road.

 Ruth_IHeartPolarBears called her a heartless bitch and said the man’s a total racist which, in her book, is worse than being from the northside. It looked like we were going to have to scrap the WhatsApp group when Kiera_ProseccoHead said anyone for a shopping trip to New York?, which like we todally are. 

So, is there any way to get to New York before Christmas, or did Dr Tony DryBalls say we have to stay at home?

—  Jenni, Douglas Road

My cousin runs a travel agency for Posh Cork, it’s called No Norries. (Sometimes the simple names are the best.) I said, women flying to New York this Christmas, where do you stand? She said, five metres away with four masks on. #HoppingWithTheCovid

C’mere, what’s the story with Santa and Santy?  

I’m co-parenting with this posh one from Sunday’s Well. We met four years ago on a dating site called Embarrass Your Dad, it was for old dolls from rich families looking for a bit of rough. I’m telling you now lah, it was the business, getting driven around town in her limited edition Mini Cooper. Anyway, with all the champagne and other things lets just say we took our eye off the ball on the protection front and the result is a 4 year called Rodd, she already has him into Pres. 

The lad keeps talking about Santa because he do live in Sunday’s Well, which drives my Mam off her loo-lah when I call over there, because she said the correct word is Santy, and anything else is just a betrayal of his northside heritage. 

So like, can I force him to say Santy? 

—  Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My incredibly snobby niece is doing a PhD on Cork slang, her thesis is called I Only Did This Because They Gave me a Grant. I said, what can you tell me about Santy? She said, he’s from the northside. I said, how do you know? She said, he goes around everywhere in Cork colours and only works once a year. #IncrediblySnobbyIsRight

Hello old stock. There’s never been a better time to live on the Blackrock Road and isn’t that saying something. 

There are some really exclusive coffee trucks within walking distance of my 4.5 million euro mansion, perfect if you want to hop out of your 85 grand hot tub and stroll out for a flat white. The problem is there is no control over who can drive down to our area in a Dacia Duster and stand in the queue with beautifully spoken millionaires like myself, asking for what they like to call an ‘expresso’. 

You’d swear they don’t have coffee trucks on the northside or Bishopstown. Anyway, on behalf of Blackrock Road Residents Against Low Achievers, I’d like to announce that the roads into our caffeine paradise will be closed this weekend, and that includes slack-jawed Kerry types who fancy milling around Pairc Ui Chaoimh. 

Can you ask the guards to help ? 

—  Reggie, Blackrock Road

M y friend is a detective, I said can you get the Guards to stop people from Kerry going down the Blackrock Road? He said no. I said, why. He said, they don’t like stopping their relations. # CopsFromKerry

Guten Tag. I have a girlfriend now from Carrigaline, she is disappointed that I won’t schedule sex for 8:30 am on the button every morning. 

She says, I thought you Germans like order and timetables and I said, I am not a typical German even though I sound like someone from ‘Allo ‘Allo, 

I sometimes like spontaneity and surprises like when I see the rent for a one-bed apartment in Ballincollig. How can I persuade her to drop the schedule?

—  Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig.

I hate routine. Only last night I told My Conor I’d love an old surprise. So he said, I told Leo Varadkar a secret and he kept it to himself. Now that IS surprising.