Ask Audrey: What's the story with these food vans selling calamari instead of salad burgers? 

Sorting out Cork people for ages

The phones are red hot on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Would Prefer to Pee In their Pants Than Share A Toilet with Some Pamela from Pouladuff Road. Ciara_McWilliamsSailingBags said with all the places closed off, she has started wearing adult nappies going into town now in case she’s caught short and can’t make the safe haven of the toilets at Brown Thomas. FiFi_AlexanderMcQueenTrainers said she tried to sneak into the Imperial but her feet wouldn’t let her because it’s not Hayfield Manor. I’m just wondering, what’s the public toilet of choice for the officer class in Cork society? Jenni, Douglas Road.

My neighbour drinks 4 litres of water a day because she believes everything she reads on Facebook. (You’ll often see her scuttling down Patrick Street with her knees crossed.) I said, what’s your favourite spot for a quick slash? She said, behind a tree in the Peace Park. I said, is that not embarrassing? She said, not as embarrassing as when the door opens mid-wee in the Grand Parade public jacks and this wan goes, ‘Hi Miss, thanks for the C in Geography.’ #TeacherTale #HappensTooOften